...I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind...

.keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands of feet off the ground

i live like every movement is my last
but you can find my mind back in the day.
the times when hearts beat as one
and we hid from the world, never to be found.
the mistakes we regret,
the words we forget to exchange,
the glances we pretend not to notice.
jump start the heart,
it'll only backfire.
she no longer walks the lonely road.
taking steps in puddles just to see it divide and collide.
look me into the eyes and tell me you don't see blue.
because hell, they sure ain't green.

.i'm over you now i'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head.
so, drama is pissing me off.
i have... a few ex boyfriends but there are a few i'm glad i'm not talking to anymore.
there's been one i just can't get over, but as usual, i never feel good enough.
so i still like him even though i dump him, and i didn't think he liked me much anyway.
so now, months later, he calls me JEALOUS!!
jealous that he's happy and i'm... not
i got news for him. fuck him i'm as happy as a clown and free as a bird, and there's no way he can bring my fucking spirit down. i'm over him now, better than ever.
hah rawr fierce.
but today i have a major headache. no school for me tomorrow :(
(and my friend read this and was like, wtf does the green and blue eyes thing mean? do you get it?)

.Free.As.A.Bird.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

i'd like you to read this. i'm so cheesy.

i've just been thinking about love. when do you know that it's there, and what's the point of it. i realize how hard it is for some to get through a day, how its like a battle to survive. so i wrote this and i hope you guys will read it and make some sense out of it.

~*~*~*~ To the lovers who have loved, lost and then lost again, keep playing the game like a pro. love is a battlefield, and your heart is the deadliest weapon. but you depend on its strength to make it through. the weak heart is the heavy heart that slows you down. the heavy heart is the slow heart that stops its beating. and when the battle is over, think to yourself. have you won the war? love is the battle, life is the war. it's just the neverending steady rhythm caged in your chest that keeps you alive throughout the day. it's the rhythm that quickens in similar moments throughout the life, whether it be for the love or the loss. or the fear of the fall. but it keeps on beating and waiting for that helping hand. that warm smile. that knight in shining armour or that princess that will wait a thousand lifetimes for true love. those who believe in love will never lose a battle, because the heart is the strong believer. will your heart be the deadliest weapon in battles? will you win the war? to the lovers who have loved, lost and then lost again, flow with the hearts rhythm. spread the word. *hold your head high heavy hearts* repost this on your blogs if you believe. ~*~*~*~

.In.The.Words.Of.The.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

let's make this last forever, screaming "hallelujah"

friday night, i had the time of my life.
Semi Formal
it was at this banquet hall in the middle of nowhere
and the goddamn snow made me almost fall.
stupid canada.
but yeah amazingly i had a date, and he was so sweet.
the food was fine, the pasta was a bit slippery hah
and i dont eat cheesecake, so i ended up using it as ammo to scare my friend,
but i didnt actually.
im not mean hehe.
the first half hour of dancing was club/techno music. ugh.
the dance floor was tiny, and was supposed to hold 160 teenagers.
can anyone say orgy? haha grinding up the whole place.
but yeah me and my friend created a dance move and my date was just staring like "dayyyumm"
haha i'm such a slut, but slowdancing with him was great, but slightly awkward.
i think he wanted to kiss me.
oops sorry for moving my head away, but i dont know if i like him in that way.
so i didnt want to lead him on.
the other guys at the table were nice and hilarious, i fell once and a guy helped me up, and then scolded my date and threatened to steal me away from him. my date wasnt too happy. men!
at the end of the night, he gave me a big, loong hug, then i think he wanted to kiss me again.
my response? "sooo, i'll see you on monday!"
i'm beating myself up i'm so mad at myself. i think i hurt his feelings.
but overall it was amazing.
and this weekend was boring.
ill be posting on schedule from now on.

.Moments.Like.This.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

Sorry!!!!

i'm back and i apologize.
things have been happening.. heh.

CONCERT!
was amazing.
i personally think Plain White Ts were the best of the night.
Cute Is What We Aim For were amazing as well, but they seemed arrogant, and i quote Jeff "I wanna make out with anyone in this audience" and i quote shaant "i wanna get LAID TONIGHT"
umm...okay im right here... go for it ;)
haha and well, our seats were amazing.
it was worth the two hour drive to London, Ontario
Fall Out Boy was great.. but pete wasnt able to be all energetic due to his broken foot.
still we were amazingly close to the stage.
my favourite moment. when patrick starting singing this...
"coming outta my cage and i've been doing just fine gotta gotta be down because i want it all, it started out with a kiss..."
guess what it is?
MR. BRIIIGHTSIDEE
heehee i was amazedd, because they were really good.
but yeah overall it was a great concert, ill post the pics when im not lazy

this is a long post so the next post will be about friday night... SEMI FORMAL ;)
*wink wink nudge nudge*...not really but yeah i shall post about it laterr

.Destiny.Is.Calling.Me.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

you've got me going, going, going
in circles.
spin as we collide, collide, collide
like cars.
traveling as we move,move,move
downwards.
lets race race race
to the bottom.
life's all fun and games,
why not compete?
why not make the best out of it.
like taking a jump,
for the thrill of the fall.
like tossing a coin,
and risk losing it all.
life is full of risks.
a cliffs edge, a coin toss.
you just might not get it all back.
i've been catching dreams like stars,
just slips my grasp, exceeds my limits.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

todays the day!
todays the day!
im really excited...
this will be my second time seeing FOB
and i missed Cute is What We Aim For at warped tour so... YAYY
and wowiee im gonna frame the autographed CDs and put them on my wall...
heehee im obsessed.
the tickets are really good, just my mother won't tell me where they are.
theyre not on the floor though... dammit
i was excited to mosh but, fuck it haha
i'll get pictures and replace the warped pics with them
im not one to be picky with clothing.
im jsut wearing my Panic! tee and jeans with my plaid converse
...
nothing too big hah.
last time my friend got insulted for bringing a Hollister bag
umm, its kinda pathetic to get made fun of by two 17 year old midget poser girls.
they should get a life! why do they care what other people wear when theyre fakes! i fucking roll my eyes at them and theyre like, "what, you think you're one of us?"
...ONE OF YOU?! gag me please!
ugh but yeah enough of my rant... whoa
angerrrr
hah but yeah im really excited to see them...
i might not post tonight but if i do, itll already be tomorrow hah

*"Let Me Taaaakkeee Youuu Theeerrree"*

.Keep.On.Rocking.In.The.Free.World
.Death.Of.Beauty.

breathe the sweet air through your nose!

at my dads.
its nice :)
having some pizza soon, yummm
well.
this morning my mom got me two CDs signed by Cute is What We Aim For and the Plain White Ts.
shes trying to win my love hah.
tomorrow is the best day of my life.
im actually going to see fob, gym class heroes, plain white ts and cute is what we aim for.
i am majorly excited.
well, pizzas here, talk to you all later

.Death.Of.Beauty.

i'll make your day and i'll write down every word you say...

...and stuff it in a record sleeve

he wears her heart around his neck,
while his lay on his sleeve.
that's commitment for you.
hearts beat in perfect unison,
like the steady bongo beats.
the steady drumming of life.
but when does the drum stop the rhythm,
when does the beat stop the life.
when life.stops.time.
like the two words that can mean a good thing,
or bad thing,
with one of the simple sandwiched words.
its all 'love' and 'hate' baby.
we just happen to be stuck in the Is and Yous.
he wears her heart around his neck,
while his lay on his sleeve.
all you need is love,
you and i revolve around it.

.and make sure no one ever, ever finds it.
- the bolded title and lyrcs are from Right On Right Now by Powerspace
if you havent heard of them, check them out.
i havent been on in a while
i've been spending time with my dad.
so much is coming up... the FOB Concert, Semi Formal, and the newly scheduled party for my oh-so dramatic best friends birthday.
what do you get when you put 4 girls and 4 guys with alcohol?
a fucking awesome party :)

talk to you all later!
.Death.Of.Beauty.

if loving him is crazy...
then i must be out of my fucking mind
gotta love him <3

if losing him is the right thing
why does it feel wrong?
gotta hate the butterflies
stuck between two guys...
i know my decision
but i feel like the guilty one.
they know what they do to me.
one's testosterone.
one's real.

i need some help if i really feel bad about the love and loss.
call the doctor.
i need to wake the fuck up

The toxicity of our city, of our city...

...How do you own disorder, disorder

pry open my dry docked eyes,
i'm tired of sleep.
eyes crusted shut,
but i can sense the white walls around me.
i forgot to remember that night,
and boy do i regret it.
i met reality somewhere between the time,
when pills where antidotes for insanity.
feeling the leather straps over arms and legs,
soft as a feather, heavy as steel.
suffocating like vines engulfing my body.
the spaghetti mind, it's just all over the place.
be careful what you wish for
you just might get the overload.
these are the times when you rethink decisions.
a death wish turn into a sentence
and death beds turn into graves.
i pried open my dry docked eyes,
i was tired of sleep.

.Now somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep.
-the bolded and title is Toxicity by SOAD.
sometimes i wake up thinking
maybe i've been in a coma all this time, and i'm just creating a nightmare
for the sake of having something to complain about.
maybe i'm really on my death bed.
so yeah,
semi is coming up. and my friends make me and my date feel so uncomfortable around each other!!!
haha hope you all are doing great

.Bring.It.To.Life.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

So Much Of Not Enoughh

this is a swedish band called Neverstore.
theyre really quite amazing

a stranger to some but a vision to none...

...can never get enough, get enough of the one

i've been waiting for a moment
that's actually worth the talk.
oh dark wings dont fail me now.
my wings aren't used to take me high,
let me fall from the sky.
would you catch me if i fall?
if i could trip, fall and lose it all.
i'd do it all for you,
because the butterflies tell me to.
you wonder why my face gets red,
and when you ask i shake my head.
i can practically hear my heart race,
you're my perfect escape embrace.
it's raining blood,
it'll all flood.
and when i need to keep afloat,
your just my little rescue boat.
and when it all goes to hell,
you caught me when i fell.
too bad the boat has to sink down,
and let our love drown.
you can't buy me love
you can't buy happiness
you can't buy me life.
why is it that only i see you?
but you can't see me.
you saved me. You saved me.
YOU SAVED ME.
you steal my pain i steal yours.
let's call it even.
sealed with a kiss,
i'll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake.
and when it all goes to hell,
remember the day the dark angel fell.

.for a fortune he'd quit but it's hard to admit how it ends and begins.
.on his face is a map of the world.
-From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars is the bold stuff and the title.
my dad moved out, i cried.
my mom thinks i should see a shrink.
apparently i need help...
who doesnt??
it's been a while, but i can't type much because my finger was sliced on a guitar string.
hope lifes better for everyone else.

.Dont.Live.A.Helpless.Life.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

forgive me i'm trying to find...

...my calling i'm calling at night

today i walk on broken glass,
burning coals and urchins.
today i hear the first hailstorm in about a year.
but it's all fine for me.
my heart is still learning,
i can't take your yearning.
but you keep me waiting,
just wait.wait.wait.
like the brokenhearted whose name is being called,
but it's only her echoing.
like the dial tone on the other end of the line.
spare me the sickness,
misery is contagious.
it's all porcupine love.
i'm walking the line between what's there and what isn't.
figures the side i fell was the one with no end.
i'm scared to go to sleep in fear of what i dream.
make a dreamcatcher that actually works,
that way i can replay them.
cast me your wishes,
i'll make them your dreams.
i'll make me your dream...
i wish.

.i dont mean to be a bother but have you seen this guy?.
the title and bolded lyrics are from Remembering Sunday by All Time Low
my dads gone tomorrow night
i passed his (old) room and saw his clothes sprawled everywhere.
suitcases half packed.
trying not to cry, i'm writing this.
let this blog remain mostly secret,
because an escape from reality is better when reality doesn't follow you there.
(concerning one certain person, stop reading this)

.Let.It.All.Out.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

goodnight, goodnight...

misery
loves
misery.
misery
loves
me.
therefore
i
am
misery.
i
love
misery.
misery
loves
company.
i hate being misery when there's no company?
...some company please?

randomnesssss <333
i am bidding most of you farewell,
unless i don't like you,
then i'm just lying.

walking alone on a dead end street, i'm going far but still not moving...

...i'm waiting for someone to take me away

i'm in love with our month old tree carving.
let's stare some more.
hold my cold, calloused finger.
i need the warmth and smiles of a happy person.
my inner child is the scared one.
will you be my harlequin?
no daredevil would enter my mind.
it's so cloudy and out of focus,
you wouldn't be able to see what's right from wrong.
see words and quotes swamping the view.
life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.
i think he's my harlequin.
love never happens for a reason.
here she comes, do you see her face?
she's the broken and torn soul.
and it's all your fault.
now aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
i will find my harlequin.
it's just a pity that the love we shared,
was just a nightmare before i fell asleep,
a foreshadowing of the past, present, and future.
i would bid you farewell,
but i'd just be lying.
i guess you're not my harlequin.
no daredevil will enter my mind,
but it's as unreliable as the weather network.
the sun has risen, the fog is gone.
i've been taped back together,
double sided and long lasting.
i found myself a new harlequin....
will you be my harlequin??


.there's hundreds of reasons for me not to stay.
the title and bolded lyrics are from Last Goodbye by Neverstore
another band i discovered... fucking awesome :)

harlequin is pretty much a fool or a clown, but they're just really cool and i like them. like the extras in a Panic! at the Disco music video/concert.
the last boy i found broke my heart,
the new guy makes me feel....real
oh god, wow, i'm happy!

i'd like to propose a toast...

HELLO KAT!
HELLO CARTER!

you guys are the awesomeness :)
okay i'm going to go discover more bands that nobody's heard of.
because i'm cool like that haha.

Discover.Something.New
.Death.Of.Beauty.

you learn something new everyday

this was just a whole new experience for me.
my first funeral... that i remember.
sure i've only seen my great grandmother once in my life,
but the fact that you're looking at a dead relative is just depressing.
i stare at the coffin and think "i could've been there a few months ago"
there were times when i thought i was going to commit suicide.
because everything was crashing so fast.
i knew nothing of my great grandmother,
but as the man told us her life story,
i realized how strong she was.
she was a mother, and grandmother until her husband died.
she sunk into a depression and her mind started to rot away.
how does one forget to remember?
that's true love.
for the last fourteen years, she's been hospitalized, she couldn't even remember her first name.
i walk through the cemetery with my little sister, asking me
"what is this place? what's in that long box?"
it just replays in my mind
.it could've been me.
in other news, my dad moves out wednesday.
no, its all wrong.
IT'S GOING ALL WRONG!!!!

in other news...

5 minutes ago, i check my msn contact list and notice that there are way too many people online at 1 in the morning. i message a friend with because i was so confused why at least 80 people were on the computer


(note that i wont use mine or my friends msn name, just Me and Friend)
Me: hey
Friend: heyyy
Me: can i ask you something?
Friend: sure
Me:...what time is it?
Friend: :S it's midnight
Me: are you sure?
Friend: are you okay? you seem kinda, high
Me: possibly, why the fuck does it say that its one in the morning
Friend: i umm... gotta go. i'll talk to you later
Me: you're messing with my head
Friend: nope :) get some sleep
*Friend has just signed off*

i ask my mom and she just laughs, silly girl it's daylight savings time
i literally smack myself in the head.
so i change my clocks and my friend thinks im stoned
goodnight all!!!

that never happens...

...i guess i'm dreaming again

i wish that life were actually full of possibilities
and that "what ifs" are just in movie scripts.
i sleep all weekend to get away from reality,
because when i dream, i think of you.
but dreams only last a single night,
so just keep on dreaming.
i walk your street each day hoping to catch a glimpse of what is real.
walk through the pouring rain.
fly among stars,
and drown in waters of unlimited depth.
i am the daydream believer.
i have my life in a book ready to be shown to the world,
from birth to old age,
because life is what you make it
and i'd want my life as perfect as the story.
but life cant be a story, a movie, or written down.
it's about making choices,
walk through the pouring rain,
get struck by lightening

.lets be more than this now.
the title and bolded lyrics are from CrushCrushCrush by Paramore
"i pledge allegiance to the world of disbelief where i belong"
wow i got comments!
amazing :)
spread the word haha i like the comments.
oh my god, i have a date to semi formal, and i couldn't be any happier
i guess i made my first right choice.

the shadow of the day....

....will embrace the world in grey

i look to the once clear sky,
i see teardrops fall onto the paved streets.
the soft pittering of rain on my windows
i haven't seen the sun for weeks.

walk to this bright light,
but he's waiting for her call
bring a dream to life, i might
take a cliff for the thrill of it all

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

lulls me into the first of many
peaceful nights alone in this room.
i follow nights wherever they go
but for once i'll hope it leads to you

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

i'm just obsessed, distressed
and to, the oh so ungrateful you.
he sits here waiting by the telephone,
and whats the boy to do,
when the powers down in 202.

pitters turn into thunder clapping loudly
and lightening, lightening frightening
little kids scared into their beds oh
what's a boy to dread when he cant let her know
he loves her so

the soft pittering of rain on my windows
i haven't seen the sun for weeks...

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

i'm just obsessed, distressed
and to, the oh so ungrateful you.
he sits here waiting by the telephone,
and whats the boy to do,
when the powers down in 202.

.and the sun will set for you.
-the bolded lyrics and title are Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
and this is my song above called Distressed.
maybe i'll create the music and tape it to show on this blog.
if not, then sorry.
Semi-Formal coming up, i think i have a date.
this is a first so i'm really excited. this will be fun, i hope.