Hey everyone.
I started this blog in the June of 2007, not too long ago, and i've already made 70 posts. i look back at my old posts (not including the first post, that wasn't even mine hah) and realize that they're all down, depressing, and just sad to read. i based some of my posts on the three main hurts in my life: breaks, crashes and burns. breaks are the heartbreaks and aches of a hurt relationship. crashes like the impact and bang of just, a bad situation, like the feeling of a car crash. burns like the scars and scratches of every single word that certain people have ever said to me. it's these that pretty much make up my life.
But life can't just be down. it's almost impossible, because going on like this with all depression, wouldn't i have committed suicide? i look back and read a few, and remember that i was also happy at those times. why didn't i write about those? it's too late to do it now, but there are questions left unanswered.
First of all, hi my name is ______. sorry wont tell you that. i created this blog, this online diary, so my brain wouldn't explode from all the thoughts and feelings i was keeping inside. i kept this secret so nobody would read this but me, but it seems to have leaked a bit, since i have comments here and there on my posts. i thank you for that. when i started, i was in a dark moment of my life. i guess i saw everyone changing around me and me staying the same, and i wasn't ready to change. so there is the beginning of the blog.
Later on, it got a bit worse. i guess you could say it was the change of environment. some say that it was the music i listened to. just because it wasn't mainstream doesn't mean it's emo or death metal. my friend once checked my wrists for cuts. i'll have you know i was never like that. so, my posts became more like a scene, a short story, that's just not really straightforward. like a trial, a hospital, drowning, a sidewalk, and others. and i had more of a format. the title and bolded lines at the top and bottom are lyrics to a song that somewhat relates to it, and i still use that now. i also started playing guitar. it was the summer so i had more freedom. i went to an underground rock local show, where i was introduced to a whole new scene. i'm not a part of it, but fuck i envy them. i also went to Warped Tour 2007, fucking sick. that was pretty much, late july and august of my blog.
Then, i felt my world crash. my parents called me and my brother out to the backyard, to well, talk. they announced that they lost love, and that they were getting a divorce. see, my family was the model family. my parents were so deeply in love, and so cool. but then this just brought me crashing, because i believed it. and i accepted it, but then i realized, if their love isn't as it seems, then what is? i was thinking, maybe everything i ever knew was wrong, and that my life is just as fucked up and my parents relationship. so the posts got even worse, and i was so caged by my thoughts that i lost track of everything around me. before i knew it, it was the start of the school year. grade 10, yippy..
Come september, i was panicked about the start of a new school year. not only that, but the new people...or just person. a friend that i've known for a year or so came with a group of friends to a baseball game, and judging by my post called A Better Love Deserving Of..., i started liking the guy. afterwards, i was scared about a relationship, because i didn't want to risk losing a friendship, so i became the "dazed and confused" one. his voice was the "soundtrack of my summer". unfortunately, i was a bit nervous about a real high school relationship, but after i said yes, my whole life turned around. i met someone who could brighten my day, and my posts were happier, when i talked about him, rather than looking back on my past fallen relationships. i thought it'll last forever. funny how love can do that to you. people call it "lovesick".
At the end of September to the present, i noticed something. the guy was full of testosterone, and that's all he wanted with me. he changed and i was getting into more talks with my parents for the divorce, so it all came crashing. i still liked him, but the best things in life you have to let go. i didn't want him to go down with me. so i ended it, only to bring more drama. he was gone for a week in New York after then refused to talk to me. he wanted only an answer..."why?" after much talk, we agreed that because my parents didn't even allow a boyfriend, to be friends, with a few benefits. but he seemed to care more about the benefits then our friendship. sure he cared about the friendship, but he didn't show it. and he didn't trust me, when i trusted him enough to give him this blog link. so here i stand, alone and i'm wondering, when can life be normal. and to you, whats considered "normal"?
thanks for reading.
i'll be posting in here still.
this is my escape from reality.
giving what readers i have the abstract, non-straightforward stories that express how i feel.
.ShowingYouTheReality.
.Death.Of.Beauty.
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