my void is my flaw is my weakness

i tell myself to sit tight
i'm in for a hell-driven ride
3 chances too many
please don't make me regret it
don't you go now
don't you go now
i have nothing else to say
the voids between my posts
are as open as the void in the center of my life
i'm still looking for my filling
...will you fill my void?
VOIDS
the worldwide space between us in a year
the roads between us now
the men and women between our hearts
the spaces between our outreached hands
....
FILL THE VOID

wasted words over past demons

i hope they haunt your dreams...

and if i believed in god
i'd pray you
don't
come
cr a w l i n g
back to me.

i'm wishing on some fading stars
that the deceit was just a figment
of my obscure imagination
running wild on impulse.
maybe i'll fuck myself up today

I'm full of artificial sweetener
My heart's been deceitful
It's all artificial sweetener
I'm faking I love you's
You're forcing me to
Artificial Sweetener- No Doubt

Can't wait for the comeback.
I'll watch from the sidelines
secretly wishing for a spotlight of my very own


STAND AND DELIVER
your money or your knife...

...a wink and a nod...

As a final closure to rid myself of my past demons

I burned a hole of a smiley face
into the birthday card you gave me last year
before ripping it up into 16 rainbow pieces
and burning them into ashes.

on the plus side, I'm back

The Boy Test aka "Survival of The Fittest"

I’ve gone too far to come back here. But here I stand. Alone. In a cold lab where are that is left are the remnants of the solute. The poor red solute composed of me and all that is me. I designed this chemistry lab at birth, thinking to one day create a match. My match. And to one day finally shut it down, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Completion, and simple, sweet bliss. But here I stand. Alone. And the shards are everywhere. What happened what happened what happened…what happened you ask? When two solutions become mixed into one, it could leave some nasty side effects. I guess the too-good-to-be-true potion was really too good to be true. It was impossible. How could I have been so naïve… SO BLIND?! After the solution had met mine it became a light purple, and slowly grew into a deep red. Good reaction? Indeed it was. Four months of studies and tests, I decided to take the risk. So, hoping for the best, I drank the solution. The cool drink chilled the spine and after a month of the solution in my system, I knew that the test had failed…
…
Failure. Such an intense word. Chills me to the bone. And straight to the point: I had failed. Such a harsh way to describe this but it’s unfortunately true.
...
Side effects had included depression, loss of appetite, and complete distrust in any other being. And that was it for me.
...
I’m here. Alone. And the lab chair lay on the floor. The lab chair. Which was used to destroy my works. Everything. It’s all gone. On the floor here it lays and I had sat there wondering why I had ever risked it. Never have I ever been one to take a chance before being 100% sure. Testing the depths before swimming too deep. The plunge. The fall. The leap of faith…. Or what you will. And I’m just some torn soul dying for another chance. Chances are meant to be taken and with more research I can finally get back on my feet again.
What? Epiphany? Bah. It’s really too good to be true, and would I be ready? The Survival of my Fittest will be the death of me, and it’ll take time for me to cope.
Can I Do It?

A Sense of Belonging

the chipped wood is smooth against my bare feet.
the black metal gate creaks melodies,
while the ducks join in harmony.
i stand facing the old elms and pines
giving off the autumn glow
as the sun sets behind me.
i grip the stair rail as i watch the water;
a relaxed, rippling, invitation in blue.
the reflection of the sun on the surface
is like a thousand camera flashes all at once.
blinding but craving.
stepping down, i inch towards the pool side.
the smell of chlorine makes the invite so much more tempting.
the ducks have resumed their qualms and elegance
above and below the surface.
the flowers and the old bumblebee tree
neatly line the left side of the waters.
closing my eyes, i dip my toes.
relief washing over me like a high tide.
the scent of burning charcoal overpowering my senses.
i am snapped back into realization.
i am home.

What Am I?

i am just that irritable itch
in the one unreachable region of your back.
the chill running up and down your spine.
the wind that gives you goosebumps
making your hair stand on end.
i am the drowsy pill that's slowly kicking in,
the drugs you can't ignore.
i am the eyes that peer through the shadows.
the voice you think you hear
whispers of "you know you miss me."
i am the cramp in your leg,
the "pins and needles" in your feet.
i am your loose shirt thread.
the wrinkle in your forehead.
i am your misplaced curl.
the eyelash in your eye,
to make your eyes water
pick me up and wish me away.
i am the missed,
the missing,
the lived, loved, and the lost.
i am dreams.
i am reality.
i am the flaw.

hush, you colour my eyes red...

...your loves not live it's dead

keeping a close eye on what i want
but all my focus on the one thing i cannot have.
it's hard to say i miss you.
so i don't.
body language is a powerful thing
and my now baggy jeans say it all.
my failed attempts
at ridding myself of this hurt.
my intentional papercuts.
my hollowed eyes.
facial features becoming more vibrant.
pale skin against crimson lips
and the empty blue eyes lined in darkness.
just because i have found someone new,
does not mean i cannot forget the old.

.this letter has written itself inside out again.

this drama sat shotgun...

...my eyes rained like autumn



it feels like i've failed at healing

when i intentionally paper cut myself

and just watch it ooze out from inside of me.

crimson tears

i let my arms cry



.i'll tell you just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.
compliments of Make-Up Smeared Eyes by Automatic LoveLetter

i wish i was that fox in my yard...

living in a world
dark
dreary
empty
and i live alone
and i watch the snow fall
and i walk along the icy ground
and i feel the leaves crisp and crinkle beneath me.
i know what it's like to be stepped on.
everyone always leaves my side.
nature can be my only true friend

and i can't sleep tonight
because i'm haunted by the memories
and the demons behind my eyelids
tease and taunt
to rip apart the soul


"i'm holding out and i'm holding on
to every letter and every song"
-Fall Out Boy