This Is Halloween, This Is Halloween

hey everyone.
just wishing everyone a frightening night
on this day of All Hallows Eve.
muahaha.
okay now just getting cheesy.
hope everyone got a shitload of candy.
i went out with 10 other people, and got complaints because we're too old.
screw it, let us live! haha
and the scary part of it, was that i was with 2 other ginger kids and one of their girlfriends, who has me as Satans Child on her cell phone. tonights the night when we own the night!!
and of course some people have to be dramatic...but enough about bad events.
it was a kick ass time.
hope everyone gets high off major sugar rushes!
oh wow, i hear rain! thank god it didnt start when i was out!.
so sit down, rent Nightmare Before Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and have an awesome halloween!

...Boo...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

what's it feel like to be a ghost?...

...louder now

sorry,
i know it's weird.
but things have just being going right,
so why talk about love gone wrong,
when the love was just a toxic romance.
who needs love for now when you have friends?
what does it feel like to be just a ghost in my eyes?
now i guess you know how i felt..

.LouuuDerrr Nowww!.

until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you...

...We made the same mistakes

you're the F i'll never forget,
and i'm the L shaped scar.
because we're all failures and losers.
you're a legend in everyone's eyes,
but a failure in mine.
but my eyes can deceive me,
because leaking eyes can blur what's in front of them.
seems today like everything's a disease, a cancer.
i'm on a love diet, but i guess diet can give you cancer too.
whats the point of loving if its limited?
whats the point of living without love?
live and love are only a vowel away from being the same.
i watched moulin rouge tonight, and i learned something
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love,
and be loved in return."
i guess i've never learned, because even though i've loved,
i've never been loved in return.
friends with benefits exchange body heat,
but never exchange a feeling, or a moment.
i'm just an accessory, a ring around your finger.
the only thing i don't regret is writing.
the friend was a disease, a cancer, a mistake.
writing was the cure.

.Mistakes like friends do.

- the bolded lyrics and title is Until The Day I Die by Story Of The Year
same shit, different day,
no point in writing about it

look how far i've come.

Hey everyone.
I started this blog in the June of 2007, not too long ago, and i've already made 70 posts. i look back at my old posts (not including the first post, that wasn't even mine hah) and realize that they're all down, depressing, and just sad to read. i based some of my posts on the three main hurts in my life: breaks, crashes and burns. breaks are the heartbreaks and aches of a hurt relationship. crashes like the impact and bang of just, a bad situation, like the feeling of a car crash. burns like the scars and scratches of every single word that certain people have ever said to me. it's these that pretty much make up my life.
But life can't just be down. it's almost impossible, because going on like this with all depression, wouldn't i have committed suicide? i look back and read a few, and remember that i was also happy at those times. why didn't i write about those? it's too late to do it now, but there are questions left unanswered.
First of all, hi my name is ______. sorry wont tell you that. i created this blog, this online diary, so my brain wouldn't explode from all the thoughts and feelings i was keeping inside. i kept this secret so nobody would read this but me, but it seems to have leaked a bit, since i have comments here and there on my posts. i thank you for that. when i started, i was in a dark moment of my life. i guess i saw everyone changing around me and me staying the same, and i wasn't ready to change. so there is the beginning of the blog.
Later on, it got a bit worse. i guess you could say it was the change of environment. some say that it was the music i listened to. just because it wasn't mainstream doesn't mean it's emo or death metal. my friend once checked my wrists for cuts. i'll have you know i was never like that. so, my posts became more like a scene, a short story, that's just not really straightforward. like a trial, a hospital, drowning, a sidewalk, and others. and i had more of a format. the title and bolded lines at the top and bottom are lyrics to a song that somewhat relates to it, and i still use that now. i also started playing guitar. it was the summer so i had more freedom. i went to an underground rock local show, where i was introduced to a whole new scene. i'm not a part of it, but fuck i envy them. i also went to Warped Tour 2007, fucking sick. that was pretty much, late july and august of my blog.
Then, i felt my world crash. my parents called me and my brother out to the backyard, to well, talk. they announced that they lost love, and that they were getting a divorce. see, my family was the model family. my parents were so deeply in love, and so cool. but then this just brought me crashing, because i believed it. and i accepted it, but then i realized, if their love isn't as it seems, then what is? i was thinking, maybe everything i ever knew was wrong, and that my life is just as fucked up and my parents relationship. so the posts got even worse, and i was so caged by my thoughts that i lost track of everything around me. before i knew it, it was the start of the school year. grade 10, yippy..
Come september, i was panicked about the start of a new school year. not only that, but the new people...or just person. a friend that i've known for a year or so came with a group of friends to a baseball game, and judging by my post called A Better Love Deserving Of..., i started liking the guy. afterwards, i was scared about a relationship, because i didn't want to risk losing a friendship, so i became the "dazed and confused" one. his voice was the "soundtrack of my summer". unfortunately, i was a bit nervous about a real high school relationship, but after i said yes, my whole life turned around. i met someone who could brighten my day, and my posts were happier, when i talked about him, rather than looking back on my past fallen relationships. i thought it'll last forever. funny how love can do that to you. people call it "lovesick".
At the end of September to the present, i noticed something. the guy was full of testosterone, and that's all he wanted with me. he changed and i was getting into more talks with my parents for the divorce, so it all came crashing. i still liked him, but the best things in life you have to let go. i didn't want him to go down with me. so i ended it, only to bring more drama. he was gone for a week in New York after then refused to talk to me. he wanted only an answer..."why?" after much talk, we agreed that because my parents didn't even allow a boyfriend, to be friends, with a few benefits. but he seemed to care more about the benefits then our friendship. sure he cared about the friendship, but he didn't show it. and he didn't trust me, when i trusted him enough to give him this blog link. so here i stand, alone and i'm wondering, when can life be normal. and to you, whats considered "normal"?
thanks for reading.
i'll be posting in here still.
this is my escape from reality.
giving what readers i have the abstract, non-straightforward stories that express how i feel.

.ShowingYouTheReality.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

this is the scent of dead skin on the linoleum floor, this is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital...

...it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional

every day i wake up hoping i'm in a white room,
so maybe this will all be a dream, an accident, a mistake.
the ativan has worn off, and i'm suffering from a mild amnesia.
i sit in my hard, hospital bed and wonder
where did my life go?
why am i here?
when did it all end?
my wires choke me.
and the beeping of the IV to the left is echoing through my ears.
i'm just nostalgic for a 'worth it' life.
not a life that will turn on me,
and say "i'm sorry i cant be perfect"
and "you deserve better".
a hopeless promise and a breakable vow,
i do deserve better than that.
i lay back down to think, closing my glazed eyes.
then i realize, why can't i open them again?
the IV echoes louder and faster, and footsteps approach.
fuck the ringing ears i want to go home.
i try to scream but it falls on deaf ears.
a faint "clear" is heard and the IV quickens.
i just want to go home, i don't want to be here.
i deserve my life, it's perfect enough for me.
life, don't leave, don't leave. not now.
there are those who say they see the white light at the end of the tunnel,
but maybe its just for those who are willing to accept death.
i'm not one with arms wide open.
the noise.the beeping.the footsteps.the "clear". they start to fade.
life, don't let me slip, slip, away...

.it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal.

kill, smile, cut it out for me this time...

...smile, haven't seen her smile in a while

whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
i'm only knee deep in a pool of lies,
but i'm still wading in.
the swimmers are splashing the backstabbing fluid right into my face.
i wish theyd realize what they have become.
demons that suck the happiness right out of me.
the feeling when jumping off an airborne plane.
the pain of a loved one leaving you,
even worse, forced or pushed away from you.
i'll take the stairs out of the pool of deceit,
and walk the outskirts. all eyes are on me.
in one second, i'm drowning in my own fib.
and you pushed me, and took the high dive.
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.

.when i mentioned 'blue'.
-bolded title and lyrics is Sound Effects and Overdramatics by The Used.
i'm sick of people hiding who they really are.
all around me i see change.
and i dont like it. wake me up!
im living the nightmare i have never dreamed.
save the social masquerades for royalty and politics.
they have a reason to hide.

ChangeIsInevitable...
ButHowDoYouSurvive?

.Death.Of.Beauty.

so you're selfish, and i'm sorry...

...when i'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast

rewind to the time when my heart was safe.
take back everything you've said.
lost in my head,
the feelings dead.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when you were mine,
and when you were never fucking worried.
and now its burning,
and i'm learning,
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when i thought you were different,
now your voice is like fingers on chalk,
cheap talk,
watching me like a hawk.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
maybe you've always been this way,
i'm just realizing it now.
now promises turn to dust,
and feelings turn to ashes.
tie the anchor to my waist,
and let me sink.
come find me when you learn,
how to trust the best things in life.

.nowhere fast, nowhere fast.

-the bolded lyrics and title is Skeptics and True Believers by The Academy Is...

oh yes... i'm going nowhere pretty fucking fast!
i just put the jigsaw back into place, and now i'm thinking straight.
but oh fuck, i think i lied last week when i said i'm coming clean.
he doesnt know what love is, he just does as he's told

stay awake, get a grip and get out...

...you're safe from the weight of the world

i lay awake,
thinking of the days i felt alive.
do i remember that?
if i did, then i would have more sleep each night.
did i even have those days?
my life is just based on back-biting and back-stabbing.
you're just the diamond in my coalmine.
the rose in my bouquet of dandelions.
but its hard to know whats real.
we can never tell whats wood or plastic,
unless its put to the magnifying lens.
what happens when what you thought was real,
became plastic. artificial. fake.
i'd rather not know.
i'd rather inhale chloroform every night before sleep.
i'd rather listen to the sob songs and stories a million times over,
then have to admit that its just, not real.
remember to feel real, remember to be real.

.just take a second to set things straight.

-the bolded is Stay Awake by All Time Low

i'm really into the song Everything We Had by The Academy Is...
really great song, i'll put the video on the blog in like, a few minutes.
i'm so confused about everything going on.
i'm barely surviving school
and this years peer pressure has just gotten started.
i'm in for quite a year.
oh congrats, my friend saved me nine months of drama when announcing that she wasn't pregnant... people are so fucking paranoid, whether it be so-called best friends or overprotective ex-boyfriends.
wooowie. i really am so different from others at my school.
its just, i don't fit in. but maybe its better that way.
i am mostly carefree...and don't need anyone to worry about me...much.

WhyWorry?
.Death.Of.Beauty.

dream every night that one will come true...

...but only bad ones ever do

i want to fall asleep forever.
i'd fog up the windows
just to draw our names on the glass.
lets see how long it lasts this time.
there goes the girl i know.
she would check her phone for a missed call.
from the guy who told her to fuck off.
why does she still love him?
i've heard some find the knight in shining armour.
i've heard the parodies too.
i walk home from school on the black and orange streets.
tis the season to be melancholy.
all hallows eve is my favourite holiday.
why? because you can hide.
behind a mask, a costume, makeup,
and people will think nothing of it.
its the perfect excuse
to hide who you really are.
can i fall asleep forever?
in my mind i can be what i want to be.
keep me safe in your arms.
...
trick or treat

.won't let it pass me by again.

the only road that i have ever known...

...don't know where it goes

carve names in the old tree
names of what used to be.
we're the street curb kids,
living it up like we were eight again.
today i watched a house get ding-dong ditched,
and i realized how much i want childhood back.
live a life without choices or cares.
a life where you can be anything you want.
live by your own rules, fuck consequences.
you get to be yourself,
without the fear of being put down.
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
this is where i learned how to ride a bike.
this is the house i drew on.
this used to be a farm, why the fuck are there houses?
as much as people would like to be 8 again,
would you even remember how to do it?
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
i lay down on the old lawn.
these grass stains don't mean anything anymore.
as much as i would like to be 8 again,
i don't have the courage to be myself.

.but it's home to me and i walk alone.

blahh i'm being forced to go to bed by some guy on msn...
so sorry that this isn't great.
blame him... he's evil.
its 2:30 am...
and the bolded lyrics are Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
rawrr i'm stalling to stay online...gahh screw it
goodmorning, goodafternoon, goodevening, and goodnight to all.

just one of those things

nothing really today...just blab.

i've recently seen/heard the new Britney Spears song
Gimme More... great.
apparently it's as big as Baby One More Time...
its amazing how much the public loves cheesy comebacks,
its so much more fun to watch them fall... AGAIN!

some of my friends who like rap music wonder why all their favourite artists (if you can call it that) are doing time.
sure they shot/stabbed/punched a guy, or dealt drugs.
funny how nobody finds that a HUGE crime anymore
"Today SnoopDogg shot a man in an alleyway, and is charged for murder...moving on to our next story"

Hollywoods biggest trend, your bones sticking out of your body.
sick of being 100 lbs and a size 2?
wanna be the next Nicole Richie?
anorexia/bulimia will help you achieve the skeletal figure that'll earn you a one way ticket to a rehab!

which brings us to...models.
they do drugs.
they're bulimic or anorexic.
THEYRE AIRBRUSHED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!
what a perfect life.
they dont smile in pictures
so why do we envy them so much?


this has been a random blog by DeathOfBeauty.
hope you've all enjoyed it...
...Peaceee~~

fall into the grave i've been digging myself...

...but there's room for two
everyday is the same old shit
i wake up with what feels like a hangover
though im as sober as can be
i wear what i want
theres no one to impress anymore.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.
everyday school is hell
i walk down with what feels like a slump
though i walk with an unconfident strut.
i hold my head down
my chucks are more interesting than whats in front of me.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.
everyday i never want to wake up
i sleep through the day so i witness less drama
though its the monkey on my back.
i cant tell you why i did it
the truth hurts worse than anything else.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.

i breakdown just to see the tape lose its stick.
i cause scenes just to give the crowd what they want
i promise what i dont give because its not like i get
...
yet i lie to you just to hurt you more than its hurting me...
i'm just a balloon ready to pop.
here it is... im gonna say it...
pray he doesnt read this blog anymore.
i broke his heart before he broke mine.
i know the boys games.
i broke his heart because im in no condition to make decisions for myself.
i broke his heart because parents control lives.
i broke his heart because they told me so.
i broke it...but they broke mine.
he just made it harder to put back together.

.six feet under the stars.

what the fuck am i supposed to do?!
why do i want him back so badly...

FUCKKK!!!

...I walk a fine line between the right and the real...

he said, she said...
she fights back tears.
honesty is not your policy.
she was a broken soul,
he was her guardian angel.
or so she thought.
go find her among the fallen beauties,
beware of the cracked and crushed heart pieces.
heartstrings thrown aside like an old harp,
because it don't sing no more.
she said 'i'm oh so cold. will you ever leave me?'
he said 'i'll keep you warm forever.'
thinking that love is real.
they said 'what a torn soul .'
he said 'but i love the torn soul.'
honesty wasnt his policy.
he was her glue,
when she felt like she was falling apart.
the one time she needed the shining armour,
the shine was the streetlights of an oncoming car.
she'll never be fixed.
he'll never be there.
because even angels can lose their wings.
sometimes the best things in life you have to let go.
but be careful what you wish for,
you might just get more than what you wanted.
she wanted a friendship, he wanted a new accessory.
when he said 'forever' i guess he meant never.
honesty isn't his policy.
notice me, notice me... because i dont want to pretend
talk to me, talk to me... because what happened to FRIEND
wait for you, wait for you... i'm totally done.

...they watch me closely but talk is cheap here...
this post is sent out to someone who better not read my blog anymore.
i used to be close that person, but after recent events, wants nothing to do with me anymore.
the person purposely avoids me in the halls at school to avoid even looking at me.
"will this affect our friendship?" "no, of course not"
honesty is not your fuckin policy...

why are some girls so naive?

...he didnt unbutton your blouse to see...

you think that nobody noticed
you wear your eyeliner a bit too smudged?
you think that nobody promised
that they'd always be there?
...
you think those people cared?
just lay on the cold stone floor,
no pillow could give more comfort.
now the doors locked you in.
barricaded.lost.gasping for air.
the only hand to help you out is the fucker.
the easy way.the only way. yet the wrong way.
stuck at a choice. this is the fork in the road.
stuck at the choice: to be or not to be.
what a cliche question.
sick of cliches and 'what ifs...'
sick of being told how to run your life...or lack thereof.
it was the only place you ever knew.
now the doors locked you in.
the only hand is the easy,only, wrong fucker.
well, no point in being right.

.a better view of your heart, oh yeah can't blame you for trying.

the bolded lyrics and title is Roses by Meg and Dia
im sick of it all, im forced to fit in
why fit in when you're born to stand out?
why choose the right way or wrong way when you dont know your options.
if it were up to me, i'd choose a way, then if i dont like it, go back and try the other.
they cant both be the death of me.
it feels like im pushing everyone away
so what do i have to lose?

MakeLife'WorthIt'...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

take a chance and make it big, cause its the last you'll ever get...

...if we don't take it, when will we make it?

hold your head high,
so you watch where you go.
hold your head high,
so your shame will not show.
do you think its wise
to put a shame to your name?
your a disgrace,
a waste of space,
that any respectable being can replace.
do you find it true
how much i hate you?
i believe you do, its quite easy to see through.
do you think odd rhymes,
just help me pass the time.
does i think of death,
with every short last breath.
do you think that with every glance,
the mirror gives me a chance
to see what i truly am?
i fail miserably,
and now ill say simply,
i want no sympathy.
hold your head high,
so you watch where you go.
hold your head high,
so your shame will not show.

.i make plans to break plans and i've been planning something big.
you know when you see water spiral down the drain in a sink..
and there's that 'glug' noise when the water comes up, just for it to go down again for good?
if you're thinking that i'm referring it to my life, you are sadly correct.
i just went through the 'glug'.
now i'll wait for the sink to turn on again,so i can have something up rather than having it all spiral down..

LiveLifeUp...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

scared of what you need...

...everybody wants a piece of you

hyperventilation is my new pastime.
heavy breathing is the new beat.
and the quickened heartbeat will be the rhythm.
you cant beat that, its the broken dream.
who says "i love you" with a twisted smile?
because its hard to say.
hate that you make me remember
hate that you make me forget
hate that every time i close my eyes
i see you.
and the hardest part of it all,
is that i'm not the one.
i am no one.
every morning i have a battle with the mirror saying
"i wish you were what i used to be."
id just like to say that if love is the hearts drug...
i'm emotionally incapable of swallowing the pill.
instead of making me better, its making me ill.
its hard to say, because i wish it weren't true.
the hardest part of this, is trying not to fall in love with you.

.everyone takes a piece of me.

its amazing that i haven't gone clinically insane.
bolded song is Say Anything by Marianas Trench
i'm so tired of being a fake.
i'm actually not, because i've become so used to plastic smiles.
i'm just a little hypocrite.
what i hate the most is what i've become.
and partially suffering from anesthesia isnt helping either.
as for the Fuck Ups this is my conclusion.
first fuck up... my relationship
second fuck up... my family
and the rest are undecided...
good morning, good evening, good afternoon, whatever.
but for me, this is goodnight.

im all out of faith, this is how i feel

i'm cold and i'm ashamed, bound and broken on the floor
illusion never changed into something real

i'll get over you, i know i will
ill pretend my ships not sinking
and i'll tell myself i'm over you
'cause i'm the queen of wishful thinking

that's a good song. random to be in my blog because its not how i'm thinking at all.
i have a question... or fourth
1)what happens when everything you ever lived up for, everything you thought was in the green zone
just disappeared?
...because i'm starting to feel like shit
2)what happens when you start feeling like shit because of reasons yet to be discovered?
...because i'm going out of my mind
3)have you ever felt perfect?
...me either
there's no more time to reminisce
leave her on the streetcorner
she hitches a ride to nowhere
is the "worth it" moment holding her back?
a lost soul with thoughts that cant seem to get lost
shes in a dazed state of mind
shes in a dilemma
she just wants to be real.
she talks of breaks, crashes and burns.
she writes her tears in a beat down notebook.
she is the deathofbeauty.
she makes death look glamorous, and life look pitiful.
she is perfectly flawed.
she wears gas masks to protect herself from this intoxicating life.
she ran away from the life she knew... or she thought she knew.
she...is Death Of Beauty.
fourth and final question... where is she now?

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late, i'm already torn

im so sick and tired, i need a break
a new start
because im just waiting,
but patience is lost, along with everything else
..i'm perfectly fine
f.i.n.e.
Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.
its just who i am