love me love me

say that you love me...

im just a damn love fool.
its almost me and my boyfriends one month. yay
and happy new year too you all...

i can't sleep tonight,
demons await me in dreams unimaginable.
my fingers are rough against my own skin,
damn these metal strings.
even my own escape causes me pain
emotional and physical pain.
the fingers that pull melodies out of useless metal strings.
ballads of the dead, bring me to life.
back to the breaks, crashes and burns.
i spit into the face of society.
my new years resolution? to be real.

there are nooo...
raindrops on roses
and girls in white dresses
it's sleeping with roaches
and taking best guesses
shades of the sheetss and before all the stainss
...and a few more of my lleeaasstt favourite thiiiingss...

100 FUCKING POSTS!

hello hello hello!
wow, a hundred posts and im still writing... not much but still writing.
since i have nothing to say im just going to see how far i've come, and what songs influenced each post... it's pretty much considered the Soundtrack Of My Life. and also, thank you to those who read and commented on my blog, it made me smile! :)

Soundtrack Of My Life

Down and Out -The Academy Is...
The Take Over, The Breaks Over- Fall Out Boy
Let This Go- Paramore
Of All The Gin Joints In All The World- Fall Out Boy
I Dont Love You- My Chemical Romance
Here We Go Again- Paramore
Wine Red- The Hush Sound
Chicago Is So 2 Years Ago- Fall Out Boy
Time To Dance- Panic!At The Disco
Dark Blue- Jacks Mannequin
Home Improvement- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Homesick At Space Camp- Fall Out Boy
Jacks Obsession- Nightmare Before Christmas ST
We Are Broken- Paramore
Last Breath- Evanescence
Time Stands Still- All American Rejects
Monster- Meg And Dia
The Grim Goodbye- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
XO- Fall Out Boy
Curse Of Curves- Cute Is What We Aim For
Nineteen Stars- Meg And Dia
Masterpiece- Meg and Dia
Franklin- Paramore
Hero/Heroine- Boys Like Girls
5 Minutes To Midnight- Boys Like Girls
Up Against The Wall- Boys Like Girls
Dancing For Rain- Rise Against
Stay Together For The Kids- Blink 182
Too Far Gone- All American Rejects
Hey There Delilah- Plain White Ts
Lying Is The Most Fun...- Panic!At The Disco
Bat Country- Avenged Sevenfold
Little Death- +44
GINASFS- Fall Out Boy
Right On Right Now- Powerspace
The Good Left Undone- Rise Against
Thunder- Boys Like Girls
Seed- The Academy Is...
Holiday- Boys Like Girls
Hallelujah- Paramore
Newport Living- Cute Is What We Aim For
Situations- Escape The Fate
Honourable Mention- Fall Out Boy
Risque- Cute Is What We Aim For
Courage, Robert- Meg And Dia
Thats What You Get- Paramore
A Little Less 16 Candles...- Fall Out Boy
Torn- Natalie Imbruglia
Say Anything- Marianas Trench
The Phrase That Pays- The Academy Is...
Roses- Meg and Dia
Six Feet Under The Stars- All Time Low
Just One Of Those Things- Meg and Dia
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams- Green Day
Out Through The Curtain- The Hush Sound
Stay Awake- All Time Low
Skeptics and True Believers- The Academy Is...
Sound Effects and Overdramatics- The Used
Camisado- Panic!At The Disco
Until The Day I Die- Story of The Year
What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost- Taking Back Sunday
This Is Halloween- Nightmare Before Christmas
Shadow Of The Day- Linkin Park
CrushCrushCrush- Paramore
Last Goodbye- Neverstore
Remembering Sunday- All Time Low
From Yesterday- 30 Seconds to Mars
So Much Of Not Enough- Neverstore
Toxicity- System Of A Down
Sleep- Taking Back Sunday
Crazy Train- Ozzy
The Mixed Taoe- Jacks Mannequin
Let Go- Frou Frou
Stop This Song- Paramore

WHOAA
well thats all, im at my dads all week, and i'm missing my boyfriend.
damn... well good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night to all you peoples who actually read my blog.


100 POSTSSS

it seems i have lost my voice...
fuck!

i've gone too far to come back from here...

...but you dont have a clue

a papercut can bleed as much as a bullet wound,
but it's all how you heal it.
why do we have to live by day?
at least we're not blinded at night
blinded by light,
blinded by love
blind.
what's the point of sight when we can't see what's real
what's the point of love when we're too blind to see it...
eyes are gateways to the souls,
they let hidden emotions fall like teardrops.
he's got the dreamcatcher eyes,
that make me a daydream believer.
make me a believer,
make me believe.

.you don't know what you do to me.
-Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody) by Paramore! (who are nominated for a Grammy! HOLY FUCK)
well, Christmas is coming up
i'm Jewish, but my boyfriend isn't.
and i am oh so TERRIBLE at getting gifts.
so i'm pretty much screwed.
HELP MEEE
what do i get a boyfriend for the holidays?
this is my first boyfriend that i've actually had over the holidays...
so, what do i do?

so let go, let go, jump in...

...well whatcha waiting for?

pump up my heart,
let's go to the races.
don't you ever wish that your life
took place in a Harry Potter novel?
you get to escape into a new, unknown world.
and you can send your problems away with a flick of a stick.
don't you ever wish that you would
actually see a White Rabbit run by
with his chain holding the time?
i want to live in a winter wonderland.
i guess my yellow brick road,
was just a beer-stained sidewalk,
and i'm following the fucker who made the mess.
i need a scarecrow to show me which way to go.
i need a helping hand to make it through,
could you be my scarecrow?

.there's beauty in the breakdown.

long time no post! hey!
well, nevermind what i wrote above, i'm a retard.
i'm in love i'm in love!
and my boyfriend is the sweetest thing :)
how's everybodyy?

this is a warning...

...when you start the day just to close the curtains

my friend once told me that theres a
reason that teeth were white.
it's so that even in the darkest times,
a smile can brighten your grey skies.
smiles are like diseases:
contagious and hard to get rid of.
unfortunately so is heartbreak.

i think everyone is illiterate.
they choose to see words by appearance instead of meaning.
we have to add big flashy arrows just so the sign could be read.
and sometimes that doesnt even work.
lets make the stop sign hot pink and blue,
and make warnings into eyesores.

i guess my fate was set after that South Park episode.

no no trust me, there is a cure for gingervitis.

it just gives me more of a reason to be a bitch to people i hate.

"it's in my non existent soul. all devil spawn are bitches."

have you ever noticed this?
he walks up to you on a good day and says "hey, you look really pretty today"
the only thought crossing your mind... "just today?"

((gauge your eyes and lock the doors,
let's not let them see anymore.
let's make a habit outta this,
we'll make a habit outta this.))
((to be continued...))

.you're thinking about what i've given up.

the bolded title and lyrics are The Mixed Tape by Jacks Mannequin.
random rants about things i've noticed in the world today.
well in other news...
i've got a boyfriend.. shocking yes yes very much
i pretty much choked on my Diet Pepsi thinking back on it
well it's all going UPhill!
how's everyone else doing??

all aboard AHAHAHAHA!!

im going off the rails

thunderstorm inside my head.
obsessions over the immorally right.
fall asleep with one eye open,
maybe i'll miss a moment pass me by.
let's take a shot for the sake of not remembering.
let's take a pill for the sake of exploring.
explore the realms and enter the unknown,
like walking into a new room,
new faces,
new shit.
the only difference between a train and a car is the tracks.
you never know where you're going.
you never know where you'll be next.
look me up when in town,
i'll show you around,
i'll make you frown.
i'll show you the world through eyes like sea,
and tell you what real sadness is to me.
a crooked grin is just a broken smile,
pick up the pieces and stay a while.
run away train and turbulent plane,
let's get lost in the pouring rain.
who sees sadness when tears are hidden,
who sees truth when dreams are forbidden?
keep me safe, keep me warm,
but keep my clothing tattered and torn.
keep me trapped inside a well,
toss your penny-filled dreams and tell
me your darkest dreams and fears,
if you could be there to wipe the tears
that hide in everlasting rain,
just watch me through your window pane.
i'm going crazy but i have grown,
these secrets lie in the well-known.
complete the puzzle, but its just the frown,
sadness is just my smile upside down.

on this CRAZY TRAIN!!

the title and lyrics are of course CRAZY TRAIN by Ozzyy!
well this was a long one, i actually started rhyming.
hah well this weekend...
saturday was the party at my house.man it was sick.
we thought that there wasnt going to be any beer,
so us 4 girls and 3 guys sat around eating pizza and watching borat.
then after a phone call we get a knock at the door.
two college guys with a 24 pack of coors light...
nice!! i thought they were going to trash my house but they were really nice.
i didn't drink much, not even a whole bottle haha.
truth or dare... ahem NO comment!
alright this is REALLY long so im outtie.

.Im.Fucking.Crazy.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

...I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind...

.keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands of feet off the ground

i live like every movement is my last
but you can find my mind back in the day.
the times when hearts beat as one
and we hid from the world, never to be found.
the mistakes we regret,
the words we forget to exchange,
the glances we pretend not to notice.
jump start the heart,
it'll only backfire.
she no longer walks the lonely road.
taking steps in puddles just to see it divide and collide.
look me into the eyes and tell me you don't see blue.
because hell, they sure ain't green.

.i'm over you now i'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head.
so, drama is pissing me off.
i have... a few ex boyfriends but there are a few i'm glad i'm not talking to anymore.
there's been one i just can't get over, but as usual, i never feel good enough.
so i still like him even though i dump him, and i didn't think he liked me much anyway.
so now, months later, he calls me JEALOUS!!
jealous that he's happy and i'm... not
i got news for him. fuck him i'm as happy as a clown and free as a bird, and there's no way he can bring my fucking spirit down. i'm over him now, better than ever.
hah rawr fierce.
but today i have a major headache. no school for me tomorrow :(
(and my friend read this and was like, wtf does the green and blue eyes thing mean? do you get it?)

.Free.As.A.Bird.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

i'd like you to read this. i'm so cheesy.

i've just been thinking about love. when do you know that it's there, and what's the point of it. i realize how hard it is for some to get through a day, how its like a battle to survive. so i wrote this and i hope you guys will read it and make some sense out of it.

~*~*~*~ To the lovers who have loved, lost and then lost again, keep playing the game like a pro. love is a battlefield, and your heart is the deadliest weapon. but you depend on its strength to make it through. the weak heart is the heavy heart that slows you down. the heavy heart is the slow heart that stops its beating. and when the battle is over, think to yourself. have you won the war? love is the battle, life is the war. it's just the neverending steady rhythm caged in your chest that keeps you alive throughout the day. it's the rhythm that quickens in similar moments throughout the life, whether it be for the love or the loss. or the fear of the fall. but it keeps on beating and waiting for that helping hand. that warm smile. that knight in shining armour or that princess that will wait a thousand lifetimes for true love. those who believe in love will never lose a battle, because the heart is the strong believer. will your heart be the deadliest weapon in battles? will you win the war? to the lovers who have loved, lost and then lost again, flow with the hearts rhythm. spread the word. *hold your head high heavy hearts* repost this on your blogs if you believe. ~*~*~*~

.In.The.Words.Of.The.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

let's make this last forever, screaming "hallelujah"

friday night, i had the time of my life.
Semi Formal
it was at this banquet hall in the middle of nowhere
and the goddamn snow made me almost fall.
stupid canada.
but yeah amazingly i had a date, and he was so sweet.
the food was fine, the pasta was a bit slippery hah
and i dont eat cheesecake, so i ended up using it as ammo to scare my friend,
but i didnt actually.
im not mean hehe.
the first half hour of dancing was club/techno music. ugh.
the dance floor was tiny, and was supposed to hold 160 teenagers.
can anyone say orgy? haha grinding up the whole place.
but yeah me and my friend created a dance move and my date was just staring like "dayyyumm"
haha i'm such a slut, but slowdancing with him was great, but slightly awkward.
i think he wanted to kiss me.
oops sorry for moving my head away, but i dont know if i like him in that way.
so i didnt want to lead him on.
the other guys at the table were nice and hilarious, i fell once and a guy helped me up, and then scolded my date and threatened to steal me away from him. my date wasnt too happy. men!
at the end of the night, he gave me a big, loong hug, then i think he wanted to kiss me again.
my response? "sooo, i'll see you on monday!"
i'm beating myself up i'm so mad at myself. i think i hurt his feelings.
but overall it was amazing.
and this weekend was boring.
ill be posting on schedule from now on.

.Moments.Like.This.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

Sorry!!!!

i'm back and i apologize.
things have been happening.. heh.

CONCERT!
was amazing.
i personally think Plain White Ts were the best of the night.
Cute Is What We Aim For were amazing as well, but they seemed arrogant, and i quote Jeff "I wanna make out with anyone in this audience" and i quote shaant "i wanna get LAID TONIGHT"
umm...okay im right here... go for it ;)
haha and well, our seats were amazing.
it was worth the two hour drive to London, Ontario
Fall Out Boy was great.. but pete wasnt able to be all energetic due to his broken foot.
still we were amazingly close to the stage.
my favourite moment. when patrick starting singing this...
"coming outta my cage and i've been doing just fine gotta gotta be down because i want it all, it started out with a kiss..."
guess what it is?
MR. BRIIIGHTSIDEE
heehee i was amazedd, because they were really good.
but yeah overall it was a great concert, ill post the pics when im not lazy

this is a long post so the next post will be about friday night... SEMI FORMAL ;)
*wink wink nudge nudge*...not really but yeah i shall post about it laterr

.Destiny.Is.Calling.Me.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

you've got me going, going, going
in circles.
spin as we collide, collide, collide
like cars.
traveling as we move,move,move
downwards.
lets race race race
to the bottom.
life's all fun and games,
why not compete?
why not make the best out of it.
like taking a jump,
for the thrill of the fall.
like tossing a coin,
and risk losing it all.
life is full of risks.
a cliffs edge, a coin toss.
you just might not get it all back.
i've been catching dreams like stars,
just slips my grasp, exceeds my limits.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

todays the day!
todays the day!
im really excited...
this will be my second time seeing FOB
and i missed Cute is What We Aim For at warped tour so... YAYY
and wowiee im gonna frame the autographed CDs and put them on my wall...
heehee im obsessed.
the tickets are really good, just my mother won't tell me where they are.
theyre not on the floor though... dammit
i was excited to mosh but, fuck it haha
i'll get pictures and replace the warped pics with them
im not one to be picky with clothing.
im jsut wearing my Panic! tee and jeans with my plaid converse
...
nothing too big hah.
last time my friend got insulted for bringing a Hollister bag
umm, its kinda pathetic to get made fun of by two 17 year old midget poser girls.
they should get a life! why do they care what other people wear when theyre fakes! i fucking roll my eyes at them and theyre like, "what, you think you're one of us?"
...ONE OF YOU?! gag me please!
ugh but yeah enough of my rant... whoa
angerrrr
hah but yeah im really excited to see them...
i might not post tonight but if i do, itll already be tomorrow hah

*"Let Me Taaaakkeee Youuu Theeerrree"*

.Keep.On.Rocking.In.The.Free.World
.Death.Of.Beauty.

breathe the sweet air through your nose!

at my dads.
its nice :)
having some pizza soon, yummm
well.
this morning my mom got me two CDs signed by Cute is What We Aim For and the Plain White Ts.
shes trying to win my love hah.
tomorrow is the best day of my life.
im actually going to see fob, gym class heroes, plain white ts and cute is what we aim for.
i am majorly excited.
well, pizzas here, talk to you all later

.Death.Of.Beauty.

i'll make your day and i'll write down every word you say...

...and stuff it in a record sleeve

he wears her heart around his neck,
while his lay on his sleeve.
that's commitment for you.
hearts beat in perfect unison,
like the steady bongo beats.
the steady drumming of life.
but when does the drum stop the rhythm,
when does the beat stop the life.
when life.stops.time.
like the two words that can mean a good thing,
or bad thing,
with one of the simple sandwiched words.
its all 'love' and 'hate' baby.
we just happen to be stuck in the Is and Yous.
he wears her heart around his neck,
while his lay on his sleeve.
all you need is love,
you and i revolve around it.

.and make sure no one ever, ever finds it.
- the bolded title and lyrcs are from Right On Right Now by Powerspace
if you havent heard of them, check them out.
i havent been on in a while
i've been spending time with my dad.
so much is coming up... the FOB Concert, Semi Formal, and the newly scheduled party for my oh-so dramatic best friends birthday.
what do you get when you put 4 girls and 4 guys with alcohol?
a fucking awesome party :)

talk to you all later!
.Death.Of.Beauty.

if loving him is crazy...
then i must be out of my fucking mind
gotta love him <3

if losing him is the right thing
why does it feel wrong?
gotta hate the butterflies
stuck between two guys...
i know my decision
but i feel like the guilty one.
they know what they do to me.
one's testosterone.
one's real.

i need some help if i really feel bad about the love and loss.
call the doctor.
i need to wake the fuck up

The toxicity of our city, of our city...

...How do you own disorder, disorder

pry open my dry docked eyes,
i'm tired of sleep.
eyes crusted shut,
but i can sense the white walls around me.
i forgot to remember that night,
and boy do i regret it.
i met reality somewhere between the time,
when pills where antidotes for insanity.
feeling the leather straps over arms and legs,
soft as a feather, heavy as steel.
suffocating like vines engulfing my body.
the spaghetti mind, it's just all over the place.
be careful what you wish for
you just might get the overload.
these are the times when you rethink decisions.
a death wish turn into a sentence
and death beds turn into graves.
i pried open my dry docked eyes,
i was tired of sleep.

.Now somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep.
-the bolded and title is Toxicity by SOAD.
sometimes i wake up thinking
maybe i've been in a coma all this time, and i'm just creating a nightmare
for the sake of having something to complain about.
maybe i'm really on my death bed.
so yeah,
semi is coming up. and my friends make me and my date feel so uncomfortable around each other!!!
haha hope you all are doing great

.Bring.It.To.Life.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

So Much Of Not Enoughh

this is a swedish band called Neverstore.
theyre really quite amazing

a stranger to some but a vision to none...

...can never get enough, get enough of the one

i've been waiting for a moment
that's actually worth the talk.
oh dark wings dont fail me now.
my wings aren't used to take me high,
let me fall from the sky.
would you catch me if i fall?
if i could trip, fall and lose it all.
i'd do it all for you,
because the butterflies tell me to.
you wonder why my face gets red,
and when you ask i shake my head.
i can practically hear my heart race,
you're my perfect escape embrace.
it's raining blood,
it'll all flood.
and when i need to keep afloat,
your just my little rescue boat.
and when it all goes to hell,
you caught me when i fell.
too bad the boat has to sink down,
and let our love drown.
you can't buy me love
you can't buy happiness
you can't buy me life.
why is it that only i see you?
but you can't see me.
you saved me. You saved me.
YOU SAVED ME.
you steal my pain i steal yours.
let's call it even.
sealed with a kiss,
i'll be your best kept secret
and your biggest mistake.
and when it all goes to hell,
remember the day the dark angel fell.

.for a fortune he'd quit but it's hard to admit how it ends and begins.
.on his face is a map of the world.
-From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars is the bold stuff and the title.
my dad moved out, i cried.
my mom thinks i should see a shrink.
apparently i need help...
who doesnt??
it's been a while, but i can't type much because my finger was sliced on a guitar string.
hope lifes better for everyone else.

.Dont.Live.A.Helpless.Life.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

forgive me i'm trying to find...

...my calling i'm calling at night

today i walk on broken glass,
burning coals and urchins.
today i hear the first hailstorm in about a year.
but it's all fine for me.
my heart is still learning,
i can't take your yearning.
but you keep me waiting,
just wait.wait.wait.
like the brokenhearted whose name is being called,
but it's only her echoing.
like the dial tone on the other end of the line.
spare me the sickness,
misery is contagious.
it's all porcupine love.
i'm walking the line between what's there and what isn't.
figures the side i fell was the one with no end.
i'm scared to go to sleep in fear of what i dream.
make a dreamcatcher that actually works,
that way i can replay them.
cast me your wishes,
i'll make them your dreams.
i'll make me your dream...
i wish.

.i dont mean to be a bother but have you seen this guy?.
the title and bolded lyrics are from Remembering Sunday by All Time Low
my dads gone tomorrow night
i passed his (old) room and saw his clothes sprawled everywhere.
suitcases half packed.
trying not to cry, i'm writing this.
let this blog remain mostly secret,
because an escape from reality is better when reality doesn't follow you there.
(concerning one certain person, stop reading this)

.Let.It.All.Out.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

goodnight, goodnight...

misery
loves
misery.
misery
loves
me.
therefore
i
am
misery.
i
love
misery.
misery
loves
company.
i hate being misery when there's no company?
...some company please?

randomnesssss <333
i am bidding most of you farewell,
unless i don't like you,
then i'm just lying.

walking alone on a dead end street, i'm going far but still not moving...

...i'm waiting for someone to take me away

i'm in love with our month old tree carving.
let's stare some more.
hold my cold, calloused finger.
i need the warmth and smiles of a happy person.
my inner child is the scared one.
will you be my harlequin?
no daredevil would enter my mind.
it's so cloudy and out of focus,
you wouldn't be able to see what's right from wrong.
see words and quotes swamping the view.
life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.
i think he's my harlequin.
love never happens for a reason.
here she comes, do you see her face?
she's the broken and torn soul.
and it's all your fault.
now aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
i will find my harlequin.
it's just a pity that the love we shared,
was just a nightmare before i fell asleep,
a foreshadowing of the past, present, and future.
i would bid you farewell,
but i'd just be lying.
i guess you're not my harlequin.
no daredevil will enter my mind,
but it's as unreliable as the weather network.
the sun has risen, the fog is gone.
i've been taped back together,
double sided and long lasting.
i found myself a new harlequin....
will you be my harlequin??


.there's hundreds of reasons for me not to stay.
the title and bolded lyrics are from Last Goodbye by Neverstore
another band i discovered... fucking awesome :)

harlequin is pretty much a fool or a clown, but they're just really cool and i like them. like the extras in a Panic! at the Disco music video/concert.
the last boy i found broke my heart,
the new guy makes me feel....real
oh god, wow, i'm happy!

i'd like to propose a toast...

HELLO KAT!
HELLO CARTER!

you guys are the awesomeness :)
okay i'm going to go discover more bands that nobody's heard of.
because i'm cool like that haha.

Discover.Something.New
.Death.Of.Beauty.

you learn something new everyday

this was just a whole new experience for me.
my first funeral... that i remember.
sure i've only seen my great grandmother once in my life,
but the fact that you're looking at a dead relative is just depressing.
i stare at the coffin and think "i could've been there a few months ago"
there were times when i thought i was going to commit suicide.
because everything was crashing so fast.
i knew nothing of my great grandmother,
but as the man told us her life story,
i realized how strong she was.
she was a mother, and grandmother until her husband died.
she sunk into a depression and her mind started to rot away.
how does one forget to remember?
that's true love.
for the last fourteen years, she's been hospitalized, she couldn't even remember her first name.
i walk through the cemetery with my little sister, asking me
"what is this place? what's in that long box?"
it just replays in my mind
.it could've been me.
in other news, my dad moves out wednesday.
no, its all wrong.
IT'S GOING ALL WRONG!!!!

in other news...

5 minutes ago, i check my msn contact list and notice that there are way too many people online at 1 in the morning. i message a friend with because i was so confused why at least 80 people were on the computer


(note that i wont use mine or my friends msn name, just Me and Friend)
Me: hey
Friend: heyyy
Me: can i ask you something?
Friend: sure
Me:...what time is it?
Friend: :S it's midnight
Me: are you sure?
Friend: are you okay? you seem kinda, high
Me: possibly, why the fuck does it say that its one in the morning
Friend: i umm... gotta go. i'll talk to you later
Me: you're messing with my head
Friend: nope :) get some sleep
*Friend has just signed off*

i ask my mom and she just laughs, silly girl it's daylight savings time
i literally smack myself in the head.
so i change my clocks and my friend thinks im stoned
goodnight all!!!

that never happens...

...i guess i'm dreaming again

i wish that life were actually full of possibilities
and that "what ifs" are just in movie scripts.
i sleep all weekend to get away from reality,
because when i dream, i think of you.
but dreams only last a single night,
so just keep on dreaming.
i walk your street each day hoping to catch a glimpse of what is real.
walk through the pouring rain.
fly among stars,
and drown in waters of unlimited depth.
i am the daydream believer.
i have my life in a book ready to be shown to the world,
from birth to old age,
because life is what you make it
and i'd want my life as perfect as the story.
but life cant be a story, a movie, or written down.
it's about making choices,
walk through the pouring rain,
get struck by lightening

.lets be more than this now.
the title and bolded lyrics are from CrushCrushCrush by Paramore
"i pledge allegiance to the world of disbelief where i belong"
wow i got comments!
amazing :)
spread the word haha i like the comments.
oh my god, i have a date to semi formal, and i couldn't be any happier
i guess i made my first right choice.

the shadow of the day....

....will embrace the world in grey

i look to the once clear sky,
i see teardrops fall onto the paved streets.
the soft pittering of rain on my windows
i haven't seen the sun for weeks.

walk to this bright light,
but he's waiting for her call
bring a dream to life, i might
take a cliff for the thrill of it all

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

lulls me into the first of many
peaceful nights alone in this room.
i follow nights wherever they go
but for once i'll hope it leads to you

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

i'm just obsessed, distressed
and to, the oh so ungrateful you.
he sits here waiting by the telephone,
and whats the boy to do,
when the powers down in 202.

pitters turn into thunder clapping loudly
and lightening, lightening frightening
little kids scared into their beds oh
what's a boy to dread when he cant let her know
he loves her so

the soft pittering of rain on my windows
i haven't seen the sun for weeks...

days turn into seasons,
seasons turn to years,
i see life all around me,
how can they live without a fear,
a fear of the fall
a fear of neglect
a fear that knowing who you are
is just all a mess.

i'm just obsessed, distressed
and to, the oh so ungrateful you.
he sits here waiting by the telephone,
and whats the boy to do,
when the powers down in 202.

.and the sun will set for you.
-the bolded lyrics and title are Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
and this is my song above called Distressed.
maybe i'll create the music and tape it to show on this blog.
if not, then sorry.
Semi-Formal coming up, i think i have a date.
this is a first so i'm really excited. this will be fun, i hope.

This Is Halloween, This Is Halloween

hey everyone.
just wishing everyone a frightening night
on this day of All Hallows Eve.
muahaha.
okay now just getting cheesy.
hope everyone got a shitload of candy.
i went out with 10 other people, and got complaints because we're too old.
screw it, let us live! haha
and the scary part of it, was that i was with 2 other ginger kids and one of their girlfriends, who has me as Satans Child on her cell phone. tonights the night when we own the night!!
and of course some people have to be dramatic...but enough about bad events.
it was a kick ass time.
hope everyone gets high off major sugar rushes!
oh wow, i hear rain! thank god it didnt start when i was out!.
so sit down, rent Nightmare Before Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and have an awesome halloween!

...Boo...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

what's it feel like to be a ghost?...

...louder now

sorry,
i know it's weird.
but things have just being going right,
so why talk about love gone wrong,
when the love was just a toxic romance.
who needs love for now when you have friends?
what does it feel like to be just a ghost in my eyes?
now i guess you know how i felt..

.LouuuDerrr Nowww!.

until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you...

...We made the same mistakes

you're the F i'll never forget,
and i'm the L shaped scar.
because we're all failures and losers.
you're a legend in everyone's eyes,
but a failure in mine.
but my eyes can deceive me,
because leaking eyes can blur what's in front of them.
seems today like everything's a disease, a cancer.
i'm on a love diet, but i guess diet can give you cancer too.
whats the point of loving if its limited?
whats the point of living without love?
live and love are only a vowel away from being the same.
i watched moulin rouge tonight, and i learned something
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love,
and be loved in return."
i guess i've never learned, because even though i've loved,
i've never been loved in return.
friends with benefits exchange body heat,
but never exchange a feeling, or a moment.
i'm just an accessory, a ring around your finger.
the only thing i don't regret is writing.
the friend was a disease, a cancer, a mistake.
writing was the cure.

.Mistakes like friends do.

- the bolded lyrics and title is Until The Day I Die by Story Of The Year
same shit, different day,
no point in writing about it

look how far i've come.

Hey everyone.
I started this blog in the June of 2007, not too long ago, and i've already made 70 posts. i look back at my old posts (not including the first post, that wasn't even mine hah) and realize that they're all down, depressing, and just sad to read. i based some of my posts on the three main hurts in my life: breaks, crashes and burns. breaks are the heartbreaks and aches of a hurt relationship. crashes like the impact and bang of just, a bad situation, like the feeling of a car crash. burns like the scars and scratches of every single word that certain people have ever said to me. it's these that pretty much make up my life.
But life can't just be down. it's almost impossible, because going on like this with all depression, wouldn't i have committed suicide? i look back and read a few, and remember that i was also happy at those times. why didn't i write about those? it's too late to do it now, but there are questions left unanswered.
First of all, hi my name is ______. sorry wont tell you that. i created this blog, this online diary, so my brain wouldn't explode from all the thoughts and feelings i was keeping inside. i kept this secret so nobody would read this but me, but it seems to have leaked a bit, since i have comments here and there on my posts. i thank you for that. when i started, i was in a dark moment of my life. i guess i saw everyone changing around me and me staying the same, and i wasn't ready to change. so there is the beginning of the blog.
Later on, it got a bit worse. i guess you could say it was the change of environment. some say that it was the music i listened to. just because it wasn't mainstream doesn't mean it's emo or death metal. my friend once checked my wrists for cuts. i'll have you know i was never like that. so, my posts became more like a scene, a short story, that's just not really straightforward. like a trial, a hospital, drowning, a sidewalk, and others. and i had more of a format. the title and bolded lines at the top and bottom are lyrics to a song that somewhat relates to it, and i still use that now. i also started playing guitar. it was the summer so i had more freedom. i went to an underground rock local show, where i was introduced to a whole new scene. i'm not a part of it, but fuck i envy them. i also went to Warped Tour 2007, fucking sick. that was pretty much, late july and august of my blog.
Then, i felt my world crash. my parents called me and my brother out to the backyard, to well, talk. they announced that they lost love, and that they were getting a divorce. see, my family was the model family. my parents were so deeply in love, and so cool. but then this just brought me crashing, because i believed it. and i accepted it, but then i realized, if their love isn't as it seems, then what is? i was thinking, maybe everything i ever knew was wrong, and that my life is just as fucked up and my parents relationship. so the posts got even worse, and i was so caged by my thoughts that i lost track of everything around me. before i knew it, it was the start of the school year. grade 10, yippy..
Come september, i was panicked about the start of a new school year. not only that, but the new people...or just person. a friend that i've known for a year or so came with a group of friends to a baseball game, and judging by my post called A Better Love Deserving Of..., i started liking the guy. afterwards, i was scared about a relationship, because i didn't want to risk losing a friendship, so i became the "dazed and confused" one. his voice was the "soundtrack of my summer". unfortunately, i was a bit nervous about a real high school relationship, but after i said yes, my whole life turned around. i met someone who could brighten my day, and my posts were happier, when i talked about him, rather than looking back on my past fallen relationships. i thought it'll last forever. funny how love can do that to you. people call it "lovesick".
At the end of September to the present, i noticed something. the guy was full of testosterone, and that's all he wanted with me. he changed and i was getting into more talks with my parents for the divorce, so it all came crashing. i still liked him, but the best things in life you have to let go. i didn't want him to go down with me. so i ended it, only to bring more drama. he was gone for a week in New York after then refused to talk to me. he wanted only an answer..."why?" after much talk, we agreed that because my parents didn't even allow a boyfriend, to be friends, with a few benefits. but he seemed to care more about the benefits then our friendship. sure he cared about the friendship, but he didn't show it. and he didn't trust me, when i trusted him enough to give him this blog link. so here i stand, alone and i'm wondering, when can life be normal. and to you, whats considered "normal"?
thanks for reading.
i'll be posting in here still.
this is my escape from reality.
giving what readers i have the abstract, non-straightforward stories that express how i feel.

.ShowingYouTheReality.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

this is the scent of dead skin on the linoleum floor, this is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital...

...it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional

every day i wake up hoping i'm in a white room,
so maybe this will all be a dream, an accident, a mistake.
the ativan has worn off, and i'm suffering from a mild amnesia.
i sit in my hard, hospital bed and wonder
where did my life go?
why am i here?
when did it all end?
my wires choke me.
and the beeping of the IV to the left is echoing through my ears.
i'm just nostalgic for a 'worth it' life.
not a life that will turn on me,
and say "i'm sorry i cant be perfect"
and "you deserve better".
a hopeless promise and a breakable vow,
i do deserve better than that.
i lay back down to think, closing my glazed eyes.
then i realize, why can't i open them again?
the IV echoes louder and faster, and footsteps approach.
fuck the ringing ears i want to go home.
i try to scream but it falls on deaf ears.
a faint "clear" is heard and the IV quickens.
i just want to go home, i don't want to be here.
i deserve my life, it's perfect enough for me.
life, don't leave, don't leave. not now.
there are those who say they see the white light at the end of the tunnel,
but maybe its just for those who are willing to accept death.
i'm not one with arms wide open.
the noise.the beeping.the footsteps.the "clear". they start to fade.
life, don't let me slip, slip, away...

.it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal.

kill, smile, cut it out for me this time...

...smile, haven't seen her smile in a while

whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
i'm only knee deep in a pool of lies,
but i'm still wading in.
the swimmers are splashing the backstabbing fluid right into my face.
i wish theyd realize what they have become.
demons that suck the happiness right out of me.
the feeling when jumping off an airborne plane.
the pain of a loved one leaving you,
even worse, forced or pushed away from you.
i'll take the stairs out of the pool of deceit,
and walk the outskirts. all eyes are on me.
in one second, i'm drowning in my own fib.
and you pushed me, and took the high dive.
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.

.when i mentioned 'blue'.
-bolded title and lyrics is Sound Effects and Overdramatics by The Used.
i'm sick of people hiding who they really are.
all around me i see change.
and i dont like it. wake me up!
im living the nightmare i have never dreamed.
save the social masquerades for royalty and politics.
they have a reason to hide.

ChangeIsInevitable...
ButHowDoYouSurvive?

.Death.Of.Beauty.

so you're selfish, and i'm sorry...

...when i'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast

rewind to the time when my heart was safe.
take back everything you've said.
lost in my head,
the feelings dead.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when you were mine,
and when you were never fucking worried.
and now its burning,
and i'm learning,
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when i thought you were different,
now your voice is like fingers on chalk,
cheap talk,
watching me like a hawk.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
maybe you've always been this way,
i'm just realizing it now.
now promises turn to dust,
and feelings turn to ashes.
tie the anchor to my waist,
and let me sink.
come find me when you learn,
how to trust the best things in life.

.nowhere fast, nowhere fast.

-the bolded lyrics and title is Skeptics and True Believers by The Academy Is...

oh yes... i'm going nowhere pretty fucking fast!
i just put the jigsaw back into place, and now i'm thinking straight.
but oh fuck, i think i lied last week when i said i'm coming clean.
he doesnt know what love is, he just does as he's told

stay awake, get a grip and get out...

...you're safe from the weight of the world

i lay awake,
thinking of the days i felt alive.
do i remember that?
if i did, then i would have more sleep each night.
did i even have those days?
my life is just based on back-biting and back-stabbing.
you're just the diamond in my coalmine.
the rose in my bouquet of dandelions.
but its hard to know whats real.
we can never tell whats wood or plastic,
unless its put to the magnifying lens.
what happens when what you thought was real,
became plastic. artificial. fake.
i'd rather not know.
i'd rather inhale chloroform every night before sleep.
i'd rather listen to the sob songs and stories a million times over,
then have to admit that its just, not real.
remember to feel real, remember to be real.

.just take a second to set things straight.

-the bolded is Stay Awake by All Time Low

i'm really into the song Everything We Had by The Academy Is...
really great song, i'll put the video on the blog in like, a few minutes.
i'm so confused about everything going on.
i'm barely surviving school
and this years peer pressure has just gotten started.
i'm in for quite a year.
oh congrats, my friend saved me nine months of drama when announcing that she wasn't pregnant... people are so fucking paranoid, whether it be so-called best friends or overprotective ex-boyfriends.
wooowie. i really am so different from others at my school.
its just, i don't fit in. but maybe its better that way.
i am mostly carefree...and don't need anyone to worry about me...much.

WhyWorry?
.Death.Of.Beauty.

dream every night that one will come true...

...but only bad ones ever do

i want to fall asleep forever.
i'd fog up the windows
just to draw our names on the glass.
lets see how long it lasts this time.
there goes the girl i know.
she would check her phone for a missed call.
from the guy who told her to fuck off.
why does she still love him?
i've heard some find the knight in shining armour.
i've heard the parodies too.
i walk home from school on the black and orange streets.
tis the season to be melancholy.
all hallows eve is my favourite holiday.
why? because you can hide.
behind a mask, a costume, makeup,
and people will think nothing of it.
its the perfect excuse
to hide who you really are.
can i fall asleep forever?
in my mind i can be what i want to be.
keep me safe in your arms.
...
trick or treat

.won't let it pass me by again.

the only road that i have ever known...

...don't know where it goes

carve names in the old tree
names of what used to be.
we're the street curb kids,
living it up like we were eight again.
today i watched a house get ding-dong ditched,
and i realized how much i want childhood back.
live a life without choices or cares.
a life where you can be anything you want.
live by your own rules, fuck consequences.
you get to be yourself,
without the fear of being put down.
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
this is where i learned how to ride a bike.
this is the house i drew on.
this used to be a farm, why the fuck are there houses?
as much as people would like to be 8 again,
would you even remember how to do it?
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
i lay down on the old lawn.
these grass stains don't mean anything anymore.
as much as i would like to be 8 again,
i don't have the courage to be myself.

.but it's home to me and i walk alone.

blahh i'm being forced to go to bed by some guy on msn...
so sorry that this isn't great.
blame him... he's evil.
its 2:30 am...
and the bolded lyrics are Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
rawrr i'm stalling to stay online...gahh screw it
goodmorning, goodafternoon, goodevening, and goodnight to all.

just one of those things

nothing really today...just blab.

i've recently seen/heard the new Britney Spears song
Gimme More... great.
apparently it's as big as Baby One More Time...
its amazing how much the public loves cheesy comebacks,
its so much more fun to watch them fall... AGAIN!

some of my friends who like rap music wonder why all their favourite artists (if you can call it that) are doing time.
sure they shot/stabbed/punched a guy, or dealt drugs.
funny how nobody finds that a HUGE crime anymore
"Today SnoopDogg shot a man in an alleyway, and is charged for murder...moving on to our next story"

Hollywoods biggest trend, your bones sticking out of your body.
sick of being 100 lbs and a size 2?
wanna be the next Nicole Richie?
anorexia/bulimia will help you achieve the skeletal figure that'll earn you a one way ticket to a rehab!

which brings us to...models.
they do drugs.
they're bulimic or anorexic.
THEYRE AIRBRUSHED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!
what a perfect life.
they dont smile in pictures
so why do we envy them so much?


this has been a random blog by DeathOfBeauty.
hope you've all enjoyed it...
...Peaceee~~

fall into the grave i've been digging myself...

...but there's room for two
everyday is the same old shit
i wake up with what feels like a hangover
though im as sober as can be
i wear what i want
theres no one to impress anymore.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.
everyday school is hell
i walk down with what feels like a slump
though i walk with an unconfident strut.
i hold my head down
my chucks are more interesting than whats in front of me.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.
everyday i never want to wake up
i sleep through the day so i witness less drama
though its the monkey on my back.
i cant tell you why i did it
the truth hurts worse than anything else.
dont blame it all on me,
its you i envy, lovely.

i breakdown just to see the tape lose its stick.
i cause scenes just to give the crowd what they want
i promise what i dont give because its not like i get
...
yet i lie to you just to hurt you more than its hurting me...
i'm just a balloon ready to pop.
here it is... im gonna say it...
pray he doesnt read this blog anymore.
i broke his heart before he broke mine.
i know the boys games.
i broke his heart because im in no condition to make decisions for myself.
i broke his heart because parents control lives.
i broke his heart because they told me so.
i broke it...but they broke mine.
he just made it harder to put back together.

.six feet under the stars.

what the fuck am i supposed to do?!
why do i want him back so badly...

FUCKKK!!!

...I walk a fine line between the right and the real...

he said, she said...
she fights back tears.
honesty is not your policy.
she was a broken soul,
he was her guardian angel.
or so she thought.
go find her among the fallen beauties,
beware of the cracked and crushed heart pieces.
heartstrings thrown aside like an old harp,
because it don't sing no more.
she said 'i'm oh so cold. will you ever leave me?'
he said 'i'll keep you warm forever.'
thinking that love is real.
they said 'what a torn soul .'
he said 'but i love the torn soul.'
honesty wasnt his policy.
he was her glue,
when she felt like she was falling apart.
the one time she needed the shining armour,
the shine was the streetlights of an oncoming car.
she'll never be fixed.
he'll never be there.
because even angels can lose their wings.
sometimes the best things in life you have to let go.
but be careful what you wish for,
you might just get more than what you wanted.
she wanted a friendship, he wanted a new accessory.
when he said 'forever' i guess he meant never.
honesty isn't his policy.
notice me, notice me... because i dont want to pretend
talk to me, talk to me... because what happened to FRIEND
wait for you, wait for you... i'm totally done.

...they watch me closely but talk is cheap here...
this post is sent out to someone who better not read my blog anymore.
i used to be close that person, but after recent events, wants nothing to do with me anymore.
the person purposely avoids me in the halls at school to avoid even looking at me.
"will this affect our friendship?" "no, of course not"
honesty is not your fuckin policy...

why are some girls so naive?

...he didnt unbutton your blouse to see...

you think that nobody noticed
you wear your eyeliner a bit too smudged?
you think that nobody promised
that they'd always be there?
...
you think those people cared?
just lay on the cold stone floor,
no pillow could give more comfort.
now the doors locked you in.
barricaded.lost.gasping for air.
the only hand to help you out is the fucker.
the easy way.the only way. yet the wrong way.
stuck at a choice. this is the fork in the road.
stuck at the choice: to be or not to be.
what a cliche question.
sick of cliches and 'what ifs...'
sick of being told how to run your life...or lack thereof.
it was the only place you ever knew.
now the doors locked you in.
the only hand is the easy,only, wrong fucker.
well, no point in being right.

.a better view of your heart, oh yeah can't blame you for trying.

the bolded lyrics and title is Roses by Meg and Dia
im sick of it all, im forced to fit in
why fit in when you're born to stand out?
why choose the right way or wrong way when you dont know your options.
if it were up to me, i'd choose a way, then if i dont like it, go back and try the other.
they cant both be the death of me.
it feels like im pushing everyone away
so what do i have to lose?

MakeLife'WorthIt'...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

take a chance and make it big, cause its the last you'll ever get...

...if we don't take it, when will we make it?

hold your head high,
so you watch where you go.
hold your head high,
so your shame will not show.
do you think its wise
to put a shame to your name?
your a disgrace,
a waste of space,
that any respectable being can replace.
do you find it true
how much i hate you?
i believe you do, its quite easy to see through.
do you think odd rhymes,
just help me pass the time.
does i think of death,
with every short last breath.
do you think that with every glance,
the mirror gives me a chance
to see what i truly am?
i fail miserably,
and now ill say simply,
i want no sympathy.
hold your head high,
so you watch where you go.
hold your head high,
so your shame will not show.

.i make plans to break plans and i've been planning something big.
you know when you see water spiral down the drain in a sink..
and there's that 'glug' noise when the water comes up, just for it to go down again for good?
if you're thinking that i'm referring it to my life, you are sadly correct.
i just went through the 'glug'.
now i'll wait for the sink to turn on again,so i can have something up rather than having it all spiral down..

LiveLifeUp...
.Death.Of.Beauty.

scared of what you need...

...everybody wants a piece of you

hyperventilation is my new pastime.
heavy breathing is the new beat.
and the quickened heartbeat will be the rhythm.
you cant beat that, its the broken dream.
who says "i love you" with a twisted smile?
because its hard to say.
hate that you make me remember
hate that you make me forget
hate that every time i close my eyes
i see you.
and the hardest part of it all,
is that i'm not the one.
i am no one.
every morning i have a battle with the mirror saying
"i wish you were what i used to be."
id just like to say that if love is the hearts drug...
i'm emotionally incapable of swallowing the pill.
instead of making me better, its making me ill.
its hard to say, because i wish it weren't true.
the hardest part of this, is trying not to fall in love with you.

.everyone takes a piece of me.

its amazing that i haven't gone clinically insane.
bolded song is Say Anything by Marianas Trench
i'm so tired of being a fake.
i'm actually not, because i've become so used to plastic smiles.
i'm just a little hypocrite.
what i hate the most is what i've become.
and partially suffering from anesthesia isnt helping either.
as for the Fuck Ups this is my conclusion.
first fuck up... my relationship
second fuck up... my family
and the rest are undecided...
good morning, good evening, good afternoon, whatever.
but for me, this is goodnight.

im all out of faith, this is how i feel

i'm cold and i'm ashamed, bound and broken on the floor
illusion never changed into something real

i'll get over you, i know i will
ill pretend my ships not sinking
and i'll tell myself i'm over you
'cause i'm the queen of wishful thinking

that's a good song. random to be in my blog because its not how i'm thinking at all.
i have a question... or fourth
1)what happens when everything you ever lived up for, everything you thought was in the green zone
just disappeared?
...because i'm starting to feel like shit
2)what happens when you start feeling like shit because of reasons yet to be discovered?
...because i'm going out of my mind
3)have you ever felt perfect?
...me either
there's no more time to reminisce
leave her on the streetcorner
she hitches a ride to nowhere
is the "worth it" moment holding her back?
a lost soul with thoughts that cant seem to get lost
shes in a dazed state of mind
shes in a dilemma
she just wants to be real.
she talks of breaks, crashes and burns.
she writes her tears in a beat down notebook.
she is the deathofbeauty.
she makes death look glamorous, and life look pitiful.
she is perfectly flawed.
she wears gas masks to protect herself from this intoxicating life.
she ran away from the life she knew... or she thought she knew.
she...is Death Of Beauty.
fourth and final question... where is she now?

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late, i'm already torn

im so sick and tired, i need a break
a new start
because im just waiting,
but patience is lost, along with everything else
..i'm perfectly fine
f.i.n.e.
Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.
its just who i am

you can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights...

...and get all the sighs and the moans just right

happy birthday to me
i'm lonely as can be
and although i am trying
you cant see smiling.
a birthday celebrates the day you were born...
i think it's just a hoax.
just another day to be congratulated by others who hardly care.
"oh its her birthday?...HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
*insert fake smile and gratitude*
my definition for a birthday
'you've made it through another year,
lets try not to fuck this next one up
congrats, you're alive to see the day you were born...again.
now lets question if that day was the birth of a mistake..'
oh well thats always nice *insert the sarcastic smile*
at the table with my family, my mother placed
16 candles on the candles, 15 and 1 for good luck.
('m gonna need that candle)
i was reminded of A Little Less Sixteen Candles,A Little More "Touch Me"
by falloutboy.
lets just say i was humming the line "why dont you just drop dead" for the rest of the night.
why am i in such a melancholic mood?
because this is the first year i've celebrated with a broken family,
this is the first year i've considered if this is worth it.
this is the first year i've come to a conclusion
that everything was a mistake

.sleeping on your folks porch again dreaming
she said, she said, she said, "why dont you just drop dead".

yayyyy fallout boy
and yayyy, i survived another year
lets see what i fuck up first!
my relationship
my social status
my friendship
my family (whoops already done)
or myself (...too late)
chose a song for my musical theatre audition
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia
or Kiss me by New Found Glory (originally by Sixpence None The Richer)
i have noo clue which one, and i also gotta do a monologue, fuckk
as for the Fuck Ups
ill let you know what happens first.

well cross my heart and hope to...

...so reckless, so, so thoughtless

just fall back
fall out
fall away
and fall back down again.
and don't think i'd ever get up again.
waking up with a hangover every morning isn't the way to go.
first instinct: i'm as sober as a fucking nun.
there's a reason god made headboards,
you wouldn't want dents in your walls.
i wake up saying TGIF hoping id be right.
insomnia has vanished, and i fucking hate it.
i live in fear of my bed suffocating me,
like that couch in The Bird And The Worm music video by The Used.
anywheres better then here.
i haven't had a dream in ages.
sadly enough i've lost all thought or care in this world.
its sad to have to hide behind a mask.
my friends have noticed,
(constantly thanking you god)
and i need to learn to actually show my anger and sadness.
you'll be the first to know if i finally snap.
last night, i heard the rain fall onto the glass windows.
last night, i fell asleep, and wanted to get up the next morning.
last night, i felt real.
last night, i had a dream.

.so careless, i could care less.

the ending was really "Martin Luther King Jr"-ish.
and at the moment, i have... 23 minutes of my birthday left.
that's right, i'm officially 15.
thank fucking god.
...i feel no different.
news? i'm auditioning for musical theatre.
my fingers are callused from guitar.
my life as we know it is gone.
and i'm in no mood for anything else.
goodnight to all, or have an awesome day.

i drowned out all my sense with...

...the sound of its beating

have you ever had the feeling
that when you fall too hard
and get back up again
you wish that you were back down again?
have you ever played
the hardest you've ever played
just for a worthless impression.
it's these cuts and bruises that remind me,
that nobody is perfect.
perfection is like the feeling of vertigo off the rooftops
its the fear that some people live with,
and it can drive you crazy.
the heartbeats you hear in your ears,
the in-and-out focus of your eyes,
the sweat of your face and palms.
this is me on a regular basis.
why you ask?
i have the fear of vertigo
i have the fears of imperfection.
sometimes being too unique can bring out the worst in people.
no self-esteem, no assurance, no hands to catch you when you fall, nobody.
why is perfection like the feeling of vertigo off the rooftops?
because sometimes, you just gotta suck it all up and take a jump.

.and that's what you get when you let your heart win.

the bolded is Thats What You Get by Paramore.
im overwhelmed with everything.
talks of moving and change.
well fuck it.
ill take any shoulder at this point.
but i fear leaning too hard.
i'm sick of being unique.

come on, a second chance at love...

....the moments dead

sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
because the best things in life are unseen.
well i guess that's why we close our eyes when we dream.
that's why we close our eyes when we kiss.
that's why darkness, is not a bad thing.
to achieve the impossible dream, i try sleeping.
its my own reality, or lack thereof.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of hitting something on the way out.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of missing whats right there in the open.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i just dont want to miss a thing.
i dont want to skip a moment, a beat, a cue.
i dont want to stay in my dream life,
because a life of dreams is not a world at all.
it's a state of ind, its just what you make it to be.
life is a joke, you have to make fun of it to make the best of it.
life is a battle, you have to fight to make it through the day.
life is planned out for us, and it's what you make it.
a dream life would be a wonderless life,
wheres the life in that?
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i would miss the life i left behind.
life is about making a choice, and making the best of it.
you only live once.
make it all count.

.make you feel like it's never ending.

well, hello there. this is my third journal entry for one of my classes, and i thought i'd put it in here.
enjoy, i'm outtie.

i got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder...

...whats a crush to do?

have you ever felt a feather fall onto your shoulder?
...i haven't.
and i'm thankful because i'm afraid of the weight of world.
crashing, crushing down again.
i have a knack for stupid decisions.
like i hold out the metal rod before a storm.
nobody is around, and its not like they'd care.
but i'm about to change.
the weather network is always wrong,
how do i prepare?
take a risk.
lucky i love the testosterone boys.
and this harlequin is dying to be real.
cloudy? have you brighten my day.
dance to this beat, hold me close.
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat, now i know it'll just be you.
teasing through the innings was worth it all in the end.

.exaggerate and tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-trick me.

and maybe next time i'll remember...

...not to tell you something stupid

i feel as though i'm not using my time wisely.
last night i saw my world implode.
painters paint on canvas,
musicians paint on silence.
i'm just the girl dying to tell a story.
to paint art on lined paper.
want to be my masterpiece?
my favourite accident?
be my off pitch note in my life solo.
my stroke outside the line.
we were accidentally made.
we can be "that" mistake.
made to break hearts,
oh those achy breaky hearts.
you made mine of stone, figures yours is hollow.
i call out for someone, but my voice drowns in airwaves.
trying to send a message back home, but which way do i turn?
be my favourite mistake.
be my home.

.like "i'll never leave your side".

i'm overjoyed.
a friend found my notebook after 2nd period on the desk, and opened the front page.
seeing that it was mine she held it for me. i am so freaking thankful.
i asked her if she read anything, and here's what she said
"um, no actually. i read the first page and i got kind of frightened. so i decided not to. ya know i respect your privacy ha."
the first page "A Fate Worse Than DEATH Befalls Anyone Who Reads This Unauthorized."
Ha i'm so witty.
well back on schedule. ill post tomorrow...possibly.
bye for now.

situations are irrelevant now...

...he loves the way that i tease

i'm painting the sky over
with the colours of love,loss,and loneliness.
i'd choose that over these grey days.
exaggerate and trick me,
you know i love the games.
care for and appreciate me,
you know i love the flaws.
you're the literal meaning of killjoy.
searching through my old memories,
written in a long lost diary.
i've wondered why the pages look years older than they seem.
new memories gone because of those who claim them as their own.
don't they have enough?
now the thoughts written in black ink, belong to someone else.
and yet again, another wonder...
tomorrow, will i remember today as a yesterday?
or will i never remember at all.

i bet that if Jack foresaw the sinking of the Titanic, he would still go aboard and die just to see Rose one last time and save her from herself.

Would You Save Me If You Knew I Was In Danger?

because i'm in over my head

.i love the way that he breathes.

i took the c-box off
this blog sucks because i lost my notebook.
everything i've ever written was in there.
and now i'm guessing someone else has it...
shit.. and now the secrets come out to some fucking stranger! shoot me now!
anyways, the bolded lyrics are Situations by Escape The Fate... sick ass band
and the italicized lines are something i made up in my notebook, i just happened to remember it. and its sent out to someone. he will remain anonymous.
it is now 12:50 a.m.... meaning 12 days until my 15th birthday.
hooray...why i'm not excited for it?
i'll let you know when i find the answer..

everyones a let down...

...it just depends on

LYRICS-Written By Death Of Beauty

bend your wrought iron heart
beats from you hurt me, you already know.
your words cut through me like swords
and i'm bleeding to you through this stereo.

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing, again
and all of this love that we have lost
and these petals of roses cry it.
this is the plucking of your heartstrings
like beat down guitars that chime "this...
is the end."

these audio waves are sent crashing
like your promise, i'm made to be broken.
like hearts and dreams i wished for in mossy old wells.
fuck these rhymes and chords, i'm sick of it.

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing again
and all of this love that we have lost
and these petals of roses cry it.
this is the plucking of your heartstrings
like beat down guitars that chime "this...
is the end."

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing again
this is the sound that pounding through your speakers
ill wash away everything you've dreamed
this is the voice that will make you stand above it all
and make nothing look as it seems

.how far down he can go.

well hello. long time no post.
or comments :) but whatever
you'd think that my blogs would be happy now due to recent events.
but this is something i've been writing for a bit and i just...don't know.
im confused again...g-d fucking dammit.
but yeah this is a song that i wrote.stopped.then started again.
and now i wanna create guitar tabs for me to use.
and maybe ill record it and post it up here.
well probably nobody reads this anymore (or ever read it)
so i'm feeling lame talking to myself.
hope schools good for all.
in the words of Cute Is What We Aim For "drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back"

make it all fall faster everyday...

if only time flew like a dove

we're the ones who chuck pennies in puddles
and wish upon satellites in the clouded sky.
what to wish for?
a second chance.
you are the trigger for my obsessions,
and you just pulled it.
requoting the old posts,
when i had been so naive...
"Avoid the dark, hidden voids of life or else you'll never see whats in the light"
yet the best things in life are hidden.
its just not me.
we had played Romeo&Juliet,
falling in love just to die.
together.
..why are you still there?

well god make it fly
faster than i'm falling in love

shit...well this cant be good now can it? heehee
in other news, i've managed to ruin my high school year in just 4 days.
new record!!! last time it took me about a month.
well hope everyone else is enjoying school.
in the words of OKGO....
"Here It Goes, Here It Goes, Here It Goes Again, Oh Here It Goes Again"

a new start, i've broken too many hearts...

...and i don't have any clue where to go...i don't know

i think i did it again.
crossing the barrier into no-mans-land,
and now isolated from civilization.
the new fashion is disaster,
and this is my first time starting the trend.
as they say with a new trend, you gotta walk it.
i carry heartbreak in my chest,
like a weight that crushes my bones with every stride.
thank god there are no mirrors here,
nobody wants to see a fake,
nobody wants to see a liar.
my secrets just push us farther away,
like the blinding light that hits us,
and we strike our opposite pose.
do the catwalk turn and i'll watch you as you walk away.
i cant keep up with you,
catch you if i can.
and as the lights dim, so does your silhouette.
i search and then i think: who.am.i.kidding?
why catch you when i cant even catch myself.
thank god there are no mirrors here,
i don't want to see a fake.

.but maybe i'll be back someday after my holiday.

i messed up a relationship... and im stressed about how the rest of the year will turn out...
screw this why dont i repeat last year? with emo as the understatement...
.i.just.want.to.be.real.enough.for.you.

Bored In History Class

walking down the same hall
meeting the same people
same places and faces...
yet i felt so different.


clones have multiplied,
and i seek refuge.
seeing others get lost,
in a place thats well, not so huge


the latest trend?
peroxide in your hair.
its enough to even give
the niners a scare.

falling asleep in class
has never looked so cool
but what the fuck do you expect
being in grade 10 at high school


umm i guess i should tune back in
the teachers giving me a weird look
only one option remains
hide my head under my text book

...so i was bored in history class and so i wrote a little poem over how the first day of school was yesterday...its crappy but i find it highly amusing. hope everyone had a great day at school!!

.Death.Of.Beauty.

just to let you know

IM SO FREAKIN SCARED FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW
HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!!!!

stupid school, stupid people, stupid popular kids who think they own the retarded SCHOOL! stupid clones...

well i hope whoever else reads this has a GREAT day at school. hopefully itll be better than mine...


buhbye!
.Death.Of.Beauty.

hope now, as i walk away...

...you're the one that finds me out

would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?
change your style, green isn't your colour.
your done up to the nines for a worthless impression.
you know that lies seethe through your smile.
the transparent smile.
fancy myself in makeup
just to have it slide down a pale face.
cascading tears that could flood a world of hopes,
and you're too busy to care.
i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me...
a hurt so deep there was no band aid to seal the wound
or no suture to ever stitch it shut.
can't you see why we're made for each other?
we're perfectly imperfect,
but in different ways.
the difference?
i make it look good.
cascading tears that could flood a world of hopes,
they wont fall tonight.
would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?
you should...

.run from the only thing left that i hold close.

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer...

...do you know you're unlike any other

don't mind me if a walk with a slump
the heartbreak just keeps weighing me down.
carrying the weight of the world.
the colours fade to grey as i pass by.
staring down the sidewalk,
in hopes of finally winning something in life.
flats worn and torn from countless trips and falls.
jeans faded and ripped in the knees,
wet from the rain puddles carelessly placed ahead of me.
could care less, there's only one thought in mind:
'the break.crashes.and burns of summer'
whisper "its over,its all over"
overflowing thoughts and secrets begging to be set free
but i refrain, you never know when you'll get back stabbed.
i look up at the horizon, praying for that light to fade
i'm in an unfamiliar place
call for help, but nobody is listening
i look down into a puddle, hoping to see a reflection
face pale, eyes black, grey-stained cheeks, pale lips:
this is not who i am.
call for help, but nobody is listening.
whisper "its not over,it'll never be over..."

.you'll always be my thunder, so bring on the rain.

arent you proud you're the one that made me??

well fuck it.
im surrounded by my thoughts
caging me
and i cant trust anyone
nobody but myself.
i'm expected to wallow in my own misery
and turn all "emo"
well fuck it!!!
i distant myself from others for a reason.
if i get too attached, the stabs in the back will be too painful
distance is less hurtful.
therefore, the people who pry into my life... fuck the HELL off!
...thank you for reading...
i apologize for the inappropriate language but im just so overstressed and confused
stop trying to show fake sympathy.
you're the problem i'm trying to fix

all because of you, i believe in angels...

...not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos...

year-old forgotten memories haunt my dreams
sick feeling of deja vu when i turn a corner.
the gravity of the rooftops,
the old carved tree
the lost kisses
teardrop stained papers
the crying currents and honesty flows
slipping into the childhood fairy tales
the creaky swings at the local park
the inspirational sidewalks,
where i once walked by myself.
the white rooms,
whispers of "imnotcrazyimnnotmadimnotalone."
the breaks.crashes.and burns all come running.
it's all just a sick dream
wake me up and save me from myself.
and when i turn that corner,
i'll know it's not a dream.
confine me to the white rooms because now i'm 100% aware
that loneliness is most definitely contagious.

.the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place.
.i’ll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out.

sorry for the looong wait.
i've been suffering from a very depressing ordeal
it's known as...writers block.
this is like...a recap of all my old blogs kind of...if you've read them all
anyways, i've magically cured myself and will be back on track...
hopefully.

i'm always hoping ...

...for some enjoyment from disappointment

fade from my eyes,
like the silhouette to the horizon.
the perfect sunset.
two lovers, dying slowly.
leave the love we once shared
carved into the oak tree where we lay,
once upon a time.
now the tears fall
like the leaves off the tree.
now hope dangles on the final auburn leaf
and we're the broken branches
aching to be whole once more.
like the smashed picture frame on the bedroom floor.
i love when little whispers of truth
are the "has been" and "used to" phrases months later
everything i do is flipped and awkwardly reverse
so tell me lies to keep me sane.
when the tree withers
when the sky turns grey
when the grass is dead and brown
and when the sunset becomes the sunrise,
look back to the past
and think about the smiles and regrets.
i hope you know that i'm something you'll be missing.


.I can feel the misery from some place deep inside of me.

wont even mind it so bad.

okay well i got nothing today,
except for these lyrics that are stuck in my head.
...great...
i shall post them!


Say you love me
You can lie if it is comforting
and I won't even mind it so bad
Won't even find it so sad
Please see that I've changed
I sealed the cracks in my window panes
and I won't even mind it so bad
Won't even find it so sad:

I'm not sick, I'm not weird, I'm simply in love
You must try to understand you were sent from above
You say you hate me well that's just fine
I will wait till the end of time

Loving you is the only thing I ever knew
letting go is the hardest thing I'll ever do
I don't even mind it so bad
I don't even find it so sad today

home improvement- red jumpsuit apparatus

i've already given up on myself twice...

...third time is the charm

i'm tired of living inside my prison.
kisses on cheeks could leave bruises,
but its the memory that leaves a scar.
tears that i could shed over him,
leave cheeks stained red.
walk me to my front door.
kiss me under the porch light
and let me melt into him.
oh its what he does to me,
and i cant get enough.
but i still think i'm the pawn that has yet to make its move.
the test to be experimented and documented,
and i'm about to fail.
old habits die hard,
and your ways are trying to bite back.
i'm looking for the "worth it" boy.
this is the calm before the storm,
and when i step out into the rain,
the lightening shocks are just so frequent these days.
if he is the "worth it" boy
then why don't i feel..."worth it"?

.i threw caution into the wind, but i've got a lousy arm.

fall asleep with the window open...

...you'll close your eyes and see me

i left it all behind to be somebody,
yet why am still unheard?
i sleep a partially-peaceful slumber
trying to rid myself of all thoughts and wishes
knowing that they're wasted by just thinking.
hopes stepped on like gum on the sidewalk.
trampled on by the words that ripped apart the once-whole heart,
that's now held together by a few heartstrings
which are about to see its last pluck.
let's watch a final sunset,
carve messages into the oak tree.
the only place i've ever known,
is the place that i'll never go.
i'll leave a letter before i go
seal my love with a kiss.
you only see paradise with your eyes closed,
because you fear of whats there when you're open.
even though i've never really lived,
it wouldn't hurt to try death sometime.

.a little death makes life more meaningful.
i stand no chance at all

my confidence is leaving me on my own...

...no one can save me

she is the dazed and deserted.
the isolated and confused.
as the wind flows through her
like the tides to the shore,
she began to wonder
what she was ever looking for.
shes surrounded by her flaws,
seems that's all that's ever seen.
her room is her only escape from this tragedy.
but this pen is running out of ink and paper is too wet from the tears she cries.
this mess that she's left behind has caused her misery.
whats the point of life if you have to suffer through it all,
wishing you were dead and unloved.
paradise is only 6 feet under.
she felt as though she was pushed off a moving plane
sent spiralling towards earth at 300 mph.
and landed on the grass of an open field.
but the pain never felt any different.
and she walks a lonely road.
the black and white life with the few shades of grey.
with her once vibrant heart in her hands
waiting for her "worth it" boy
to make her whole.
to make her "worth it"
to make life "worth it"
to make dreaming "worth it"
if dreams could be reality,
she'd spend every second awake
because every second would be "worth it"

.and you know i don't want the attention.

a better love deserving of...

...exchanging body heat in the passenger seat

you know how to get me going.
you know how to make me sweat.
never expected to be your next pawn,
your new catch on the play field.
as much as i hate this, i'm not entirely upset.
exchange body heat to keep us warm
i feel like we're trying to run the bases,
and this ones going for home.
i'm just teasing through the innings,
while you wait for the grand slam.
it was me and you, alone in a partially crowded stadium.
i know its just another hit-and-run,
another record for your books.
your just a testosterone boy.
and i'm the confused and dazed.
a harlequin girl praying for love
but paying in naivety.
"dance to this beat and hold a lover close."
i can be a lover.

.you know it will always just be me.

the cost of misery...

...is at an all-time high

scream until my lungs give out
i see love fade to a silhouette
beyond a horizon that ill never cross,
and all i have ever known now
has faded to grey.
always wanted to play Russian Roulette,
because every trigger pull is like a new first breath
and a wrong shot becomes your last.
life is no game, no matter how gruesome.
they say revenge is sweet.
its fucking finger licking good,
the stains of guilt and shame on my hands
wont wash away, so i can never forget.
oh isn't love grand?
isn't life sweet?
and i weave lies like a spiders web,
capturing my prey.
and they run like the makeup you make me spill.

right hello. so yeah funny story for this weekend.
and sorry i didn't get the post out on Monday, oh well.
well anyways, ill summarize it.
Thursday, i went camping with friends and family
only to get sick on Friday and go home with my friends who were "sick" as well
warped tour was the following day and we (more me then them) were freaking out.
turns out me and 1 friend was okay to go, and we went while our other friend was sick.
we couldn't sell the ticket, but we got it signed for her by Meg and Dia.
warped tour was A.MA.ZINGGG!
ill post pics up... i've got three down there already and ill post more...
that's all for now...

.i keep it hidden.

listen to my voice it's my disguise...

...i'm by your side

the only difference between life and death is breathing,
Canada beckoned songs about lies written by "friends".
(its a new verse every fucking day.)
camisado
time to shine.
backstabbing is the most fun a friend can have without cleaning up the mess.
but its better if you dont.
i write poems not fairytales.
i constantly thank god for friends
theres a good reason these people keep secrets honey, you just havent figured it out yet.

i got absolutely nothing today to write about
so i pretty much edited the titles of panic at the disco songs
im not going to be posting for a few days
camping, then Warped Tour. im very excited.
so ill probably post on..monday?
possibly ill post the photos i took. (or my friends took, but i stole their cameras hehe)
well...see you all next week.

p.s. i've finally mastered Hey There Delilah on the acoustic guitar. major accomplishment for having only played for about a month and a half.

.oh it's what you do to me.

please speak slowly...

...my heart is learning

just thought you'd like to know who i really am.
i'm:
mad as a hatter
thin as a dime
blue as the ocean
dull as the gray scale lives
that we choose to live
just because we fear the colours
of the chaotic, backstabbing hurricane
that some like to call "life."
like if i take a step out into the sun
i'd crumble to ashes
i'm the lie that we all believe
i'm afraid of living another second
but terrified of the last moment with eyes open
bags under my eyes; i never sleep anymore
and my world just recently started to fall.
chicken-little wasn't too far off.
because the skies and clouds fell from the sky
as though i threw the rock through my bathroom mirror
shattering with an ear piercing scream.
i walk in the rain so nobody knows that half of the rain that falls was my creation
my tears
my memories
my past.
i follow the direction of the storm so that i remain in the eye.
its all calm before the storm.
and its all storm before the calm.
i've got no way out of the calm.
hold my hand, and together we'll walk into the storm.
i guess the seconds of living my life that i fear the most
are just beginning.

.teach me heart-ache.
.stop this burning now.

so when you're dead and gone will you remember this night?...

...twenty years now lost

so here, i am , i'm trying
so here, i am, i'm not ready
have you ever felt your world crash down on you?
mine did at almost exactly 6:28 p.m. today
and i watched every piece tumble down
until all i could see was a black abyss of my future
i had suspicions, but i assumed i over analyzed
and i thought my world would crash down on me.
their calls to me and my brother were like a death sentence
and i was pulled outside to endure the talk
the talk of truth, the unfolding of our lives
when all was revealed
and soon my world would crash down on me.
kiss to send me off
i'm engulfed in those crimson tears that drown my past
the word "divorce" ringing through my ears
i shake my head
i'm not thinking straight
i pinch myself
i must be dreaming
and i felt that world start to crash down on me.
how am i supposed to cope?
its not my fault, as they say
my eyes were hidden from the rising tensions that arose in the very household
"we tried to stay together for you kids"
you gave it all away
and now i realize
i've never cried more in my entire life than i have tonight
and now i try to carry the world that has crashed down on me.

.it's not right.

Please Read
blink 182- stay together for the kids
an announcement from the parents tonight: this marriage isnt working for us
get ready for an emotional breakdown
i just wiped away my tears and now im learning the song by Blink182 on the guitar
thanks for reading... im sure there will be a shitload more

don't close your eyes...

...what if it all disappears in the shadows

oh could we perch on a hill
and watch the sun set
watch the moon rise
gaze at the stars shine bright
an upside down kiss in the pouring rain
hold me tight, i'm slipping slowly
hold me tight, rock me gently
can i rest in your arms
and listen to the heartbeats in sync
that quicken with every breath
use them as a sign
this is how our teen hearts beat faster, faster
dance to this beat
hold a lover close
you know it'll always be me
lay awake under the moon
dont close your eyes
dont blink
because our lives are passing us by
in a flash they could be gone
savour the taste; remember the moment
here in your arms
feeling the teardrops sliding down my cheeks
wishing that we could stay like this forever

.that reach from the stars?.

i incorporated a few lyrics into my writing, P!ATD and HelloGoodbye, but who really gives a crap?