don't close your eyes...

...what if it all disappears in the shadows

oh could we perch on a hill
and watch the sun set
watch the moon rise
gaze at the stars shine bright
an upside down kiss in the pouring rain
hold me tight, i'm slipping slowly
hold me tight, rock me gently
can i rest in your arms
and listen to the heartbeats in sync
that quicken with every breath
use them as a sign
this is how our teen hearts beat faster, faster
dance to this beat
hold a lover close
you know it'll always be me
lay awake under the moon
dont close your eyes
dont blink
because our lives are passing us by
in a flash they could be gone
savour the taste; remember the moment
here in your arms
feeling the teardrops sliding down my cheeks
wishing that we could stay like this forever

.that reach from the stars?.

i incorporated a few lyrics into my writing, P!ATD and HelloGoodbye, but who really gives a crap?

i cant deny your eyes...

...you know i try to read between the lines, i saw a warning sign

men officially piss me off;
the one thing i cant stand living with, yet cant living without.
would you catch me if i fall?
trip, fall and lose it all..
i guess its true that in the end it doesn't even matter.
don't make it bad..
i've heard songs of burning bridges and sinking ships.
i always walk faster in hopes that for once i could be first.
now i'm on a fast track to nowhere,
in first place of a never ending marathon.
its an asthmatics dream.
sleeping is now overrated.
even rest wont make the numbness go away.
you'll haunt my dreams,
and that's why i fear Mondays the most.
the two days in between that we dread being away from eachother.
those eyes so blue cut through me so sharp,
and i suddenly feel self conscious under the deep gaze.
falling for you again.
if you say you love me,
i'll say i love you too.
...aren't i the little la-la-lie?
the understatement of the week.
its all in my head.
spiralling so i cant even save myself.

.and then you threw me up against the wall.
.who said that it's better to have loved and lost?.
.i wish that i had never loved at all.

i can't stop my breathing in...

...i'm weak and you were my medicine

i've finally had a quiet moment in between chaos.
in an old park after dark there could be such magnificence.
stoned eyes after a joint cant compare to what i see.
sitting on a rusty swing set creaking with every move.
i can feel the hard sand crunch as my shoes slide across the ground.
like nails on a chalkboard.
the soft chuckles of a couple under the gazebo,
whispering sweet nothings and holding onto each other,
like its their last day alive together.
the drama queen who had stomped off to the hill,
to lay under the dimmed stars and wish that she was 'that girl' again.
how i wish to remind her that 'fuck and run' is not the definition of relationship and commitment.
the light posts flicker, with a sign underneath saying park closed:11:30
the playground to my left has lost all vibrant colours.
how cliche to see a 15 year old girl sitting alone on a swing,
with her black nail polish and skinny jeans,
just watching and listening to the world pass her by.
looking up every now and then in hopes she could see a star tonight.
reality is a sick, cruel being. (me being the anti-cliche.)
i drown in thoughts and wonder about nonsense,
listening to the crickets chirp.
the wind blow through my hair.
and the sun to my left leaving the sky a greenish-blue,
like the colour of his eyes.
and i'm back in deep thought,
wishing i had never loved at all.

.i won't stop till i am under your skin.

B/N: note that this actually happened yesterday or something at the neighbourhood park with three others there, all as how i described their actions and thoughts to be (i assume)
B/N: <-- this means BLOGGERS NOTE...heh

i got my hands in my pockets...

...and my head in a cloud


i have to stop this mindchaos
regretting yesterday
recounting today
dreading tomorrow
and living in fear of all of my actions
im fragile and broken from all the mistakes and regrets
i'd write you a letter, but the tears would smudge the lies and aches
ripping me apart like skin off my arms
only hurting ten times over.
crimson tears and paper thin hearts
dont know if the beating is coming from my chest or head.
i leave an eery trail of sorrow wherever i go.
you leave sweet nothings in my ears
and they repeat like the broken record
decieving with every word
i want my 'happily ever after'
nobodys perfect
i wish i was nobody
i want a 'worth it' guy
to make me feel worth it
because now, i dont feel worth it
i dont feel anything at all


.this is how I do, when I think about you.

i wont get used to this...

...i wont get used to being gone


take your time, take my time
because a life wasted is a life lost
and my life abandoned me years ago
so did love.
its not like love can be caught....
like snowflakes on the tip of the tongue.
i'm just afraid.
afraid of taking a chance and going for what i want.
afraid to blink in case i miss something that could be lifechanging.
afraid to miss a beat in lifes rhythm.
its like a song, sing on cue, pitch, and dont step out of place.
'sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you'.
'and if music be the food of love, play on'
can i just sit on the swings of a rusty park
and watch the world pass me by?
and think about the love, loss, and hurts?
think about who reads this and who could care less?
ever heard "keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"
am i a friend or enemy?
you're not my enemy
but remember there is always an 'end' in 'friend'

.going back to get away, after everything has changed.

you remind me of the time
when we were so alive
...do you remember that?

bare feet in the summer...

...open windows at night

getting a fresh page in my book of lies.
writing down all the pros and cons of breathing.
im finally getting everything i had hoped for.
no more breaks, crashes and burns for now.
i thank god for music to keep me sane.
summer lovin wont happen fast.
ill wait for my knight in shining armor
screw the rhymes for today
the rainclouds have parted and rays of light will shine.
but the problem is:
i can never look at you the same after what happened.
i dont want to recount the times i thought about you,
that would be a waste of a lifetime
its true that even though i've read every book on life, i've never really lived
and even though i hate living, dying scares the shit outta me.
there are pros to breathing as well as cons,
so why not live it to its fullest?
make every painful second count.
you're worth my tears.

p.s. this is to my dear PuNk&&DiSoRdErLy. without her i would be writing a "depressing" blog right now. sorry if it sucks but im having major writers block. and im excited for my new guitar and the upcoming WarpedTour!
i heart you all.

.you think that no one needs you.
.you have nothing to see through.

...i am no masterpiece...

i have nothing to say today
this strikes me odd... i usually have something to write about..
maybe writers block? i havent had that since grade 8.
oh well...

Done by the hands of a broken artist.
You painted black where my naked heart is.
I finally know what wrong is.
Now I finally know that you bleed for nothing.
Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking.
On display through a soul still breaking.
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?

the chorus of: Masterpiece by Meg and Dia
theyre such a great group.. love these lyrics!

noone can catch me the way that you catch me...

...the way that you keep me when I'm out of time

my life is one big marathon
and I'm running at Olympic speed.
faster then the speed of dark,
when the light goes out.
i trip over your words like hurdles.
the cold ground feels like its sinking as i run to you.
you light just keeps moving away.
and when i trust my own feet
on a balance beam of truth,
would you catch me if i fall?
the clocks run out and its back to reality.
where you cant compare life to what you see in your mind,
on tv or in metaphorical ways.
ill stay and wait, while the hourglass of life runs out.
sinks like sand to the bottom of the jar.
im falling off the beam
hurdles just bruise my legs and disable my journey.
and ill collapse from the aches and pains of you.
im in last place, and i lay inches from the ribbon.
you wouldnt catch me if i fall...
im tired of the signals.
seems that life to you is a mixed tape with rock, ballads, and beatboxing.
they just dont come together.
i lay awake thinking of if you gave me another chance, i'd finally wake up from this stange state of mind.
i most definitely am "alone in this bed, house, and head."

.what if i need you when i cant see you

when I'm running out of life.

too hip to keep tightlipped

and you're on the gossip team

i need a place to keep me sane
give you the cold shoulder
give me the cold knife
smile and twist into my fragile back.
fuck trust ill stick to being alone.

you're making sometime out of nothing
and jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed

to the love...

...i left my conscience pressed

im hopeless.
a lost cause and soul.
up and down.
down and out.
back up and back down.
keep tightlipped
loose lips sink ships
but why the ship pulls everything down with it is beyond me.
try living. i've seen it all before.
im on a ship in a never ending ocean.
and one slip and im pulled down to nowhere
along with the regrets, mistakes and aches.
i sink further and i lose all reason.
i lose all hope.
im hopeless.

.kiss and tell.

I've Strayed Too Long...

...And darkness is fading in

wilted roses make the bouquets gray
fallen leaves on trees turn the sky black
no wind blows the masterpiece out of place
not a sound.
not a movement.
the silence is deafening as we stare in emotionless eyes.
scarlet cheeks turn auburn.
can you feel the cement below our feet.
the gravity from the 13th floor pressuring down from the balcony.
captivated by your words.
your hatred.
your eyes.
lost track of mind with you.
the wind is picking up, and i stagger.
and i fall from gravity from the 13th floor.
wake up in no mans land
relief washes like an ocean.
look around with panic eyes
i see a familiar place.
wilted roses make the bouquets gray
fallen leaves on trees turn the sky black
the soul lost from gravity from the 13th floor.
i see a miserable lonely.
its calling me
because as you all know
misery loves company.

.and darkness is real.

Monster...

how should i feel?

...and i began to die
can you make it mine?
make this mine.
i can do whatever i want...unlike you.
i live free without a cause
i make lord of the flies seem like an autocracy
im caged inside my flaws, but yet im free.
free of judgement.
free of cares and worries.
free of you.
emo is the overstatement.
not smiling doesnt make me emo,
its the feeling inside.
the scars that noone can see.
the bruised hearts.
the dried eyes.
the crashes and burns and meltdowns.
the feeling of a deer in headlights.
life flash.
lock the doors. bar the windows.
here lies a creature.
the window the only refuge.
...and i began to die
can you make it mine?
make it mine...
this time.

i will hear their voices.
im a glass child.

the days, they turn into years...

...the eyes they drown in tears

and now my life is blurred
like my vision from the tears i shed
i only write of breaks, crashes, and burns
because thats all i will ever feel.
im holding my breath in a pool with no surface.
sneak out my bedroom window and creep into the unknown.
i'll wont be fine, but i've been practicing
smiles.laughes.and lies.
im a pro-con
give me pills to keep me asleep.
leave me to enjoy a dark, dreamless sleep for the rest of eternity.
shallow heartbeats sooth me to slumber.
and now we're broken,
a simple crash and burn (perfect) situation.
like the promise ring that left my finger green.
im the lost cause.
i make satanists pray for god to have mercy on me.
no god can save me now.
why did you make time stand still?

.can you hear me scream.

holding my last breath...

...safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you

sunlight filters through my barred windows.
im caged in this room.
willingly quarantined.
they call kids like me 'emotionally unstable'.
listening to vinyl on an antique record player
the sound of Amy Lee "say goodnight, don't be afraid. calling me, calling me as you fade to black"
my life is a page of one of those illusion books.
many ways to look at it, but a certain viewpoint can give you totally different aspects.
mine? ill let you know when i find the page.
when its dark enough you see stars,
and im not exactly bright.
ill bring you affections from the underground,
because everything starts at the bottom and works its way up.
i am the incomparable... simply nobody else like me.
...i thank god for that.
compare me to any other girl you meet.
compare my life to the illusions AsSeenOnTV.
compare my life to the record player.
old, repetitive, and the miserable music just wont stop skipping unless i stop it from playing altogether...
because you cant put love, life and death on mute.
"as you fade to black fadetoblack.fadetoblack.fadetoblack.fadeto..."

.sweet raptured light it ends here tonight.

We Are Broken...

what must we do to restore our innocence and all the promise we adorned


i'll write you a ballad
a symphony, a quartet
but not knowing who you are
is like a tragic masquerade
stop hiding behind your plastered smile
staring daggers down the cold hall keeps me warm
im cold as cold as cold can be
wanting to leave and forget it all but you
the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love
but love in return is no option for you
you're a chameleon changing and shedding skins with ever look
not too long before it grabs a hook on to you
run away from me
love doesnt stay for too long

give us life again because we just to be whole

Something's here I'm not quite getting...

Though I try, I keep forgetting, Like a memory long since past

I've lost my mind
you can probably find it amidst the pieces of my heart
scattered along the floor like a broken vase
i recently watched Alice In Wonderland and Peter Pan
and i thought MY life was dysfunctional
that Cheshire cat; oh how you never cease to bring reality into a world of fiction
I'd follow the white rabbit, but not for the way back home
its true..."If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't..."
bring me to the carefree world of a child's mind

a place where you never grow up would be my suicide

in that case, pass the pixie dust
we could be like Tweedledee and Tweedledum
live like Jack and Sally
take me to your grave
paradise is only 6 feet under

Here in an instant, gone in a flash
-The Nightmare Before Christmas (Jacks Onsession)

My Smile Is An Open Wound Without You...

...and my hands are tied with pages inked to bring you back

if life is a test, id fail it at my best
falter on the problem solving
sentences filled with mistakes and regrets
stutter in my oral presentation
why am i thinking about school-related topics?
because there i could focus on studies.
now I'm paranoid about social lives.
my heart and soul suffers from claustrophobia
I'm being suffocated by memories
i now stare at the polluted sky
i haven't seen the stars in so long they can be considered endangered.
i haven't seen fidelity for months, has the river of honesty run dry?
hasn't all I've ever known become a memory or has-been?
i need an update on reality. i need a change.

i thank those who are genuine.

i thank my new and old friends.

current friends tell me what i want to hear.

i want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the fucking truth so help me god!

maybe i left the world i once knew for a reason
maybe i should leave this one too..

.these friends are, new friends are golden .

I'm not sick ,I'm not weird, I'm simply in love

and its getting quite annoying that my whole fucking life is based on a lie and that ive been lying to myself for too long that im scared to be who i really am. i now live in fear of my lie.

i cant be me because i cant handle being me.
smiling-lies
laughing-Lies

well, arent i just a la-la-lie!

I Have You Breathing Down My Neck...

...Have You Ever Been Alone In A Crowded Room When I'm Here With You

im hopelessly devoted to the guns and knives
put an end to me, im a walking convict
charged with a case of heartbreak and neuroticm
.i.plead.guilty.
the jury quiets down
natures voice echoes
the pitter-patter of rain on the roof
the taps of a mouse on the cold, hardwood floor
the brush of branches on the window
the shallow breath of mercy
rocking back and forth on my chair "imnotcrazyimnotmadimnotalone"
.i.am.guilty.
creaking of chairs and doors opening and closing
indulged in wonder, drowning in thoughts.
all that is said is "we find the defendent guilty"
...guilty.guilty.guilty.guilty.guilty.guilty.guilty.guilty...
dazed and confused, dont ask im F.I.N.E.
.Fucked up.Insecure. Neurotic.Emotional.
.i.will.always.be.guilty.
rocking back and forth on the floor "imnotcrazyimnotmadimnotalone"
the white walls suffocate me. this isnt home
bring me to reality. i feel so trapped and concealed.
.im.not.guilty.
my world turns black
mumbles slurred yet clear "imcrazyimmadimalone"

.I Said The World Could Be Burning, Burning Down.

You Cry, You Cry

Well They Believe It From The Tears And The Teeth Right Down To The Blood At Her Feet

the pages are filling
my life has become anew
I hand you my book
the last page is for you
this book could be a tragedy
this tale can have no end
and when it all goes to hell
there won't be any strings to suspend
'no strings attached,' they say
don’t cut strings, just break my wings
turn my halo bronze, leave me tattered and torn
take my immortality, question my mentality
turn it all away, you're just the devil reborn

well this post was quite short... and late at night, but whatever. i went to a hardcore local show with a couple of friends and it was quite interesting. i'm too scared to mosh so i just watched the (hot) scene guys. this will definitely be the first of many shows. hopefully, for the next show i wont bring a purse, and ill dress a bit more scene/punk. i felt out of place. for those who see hot guys at concerts and you wanna make a move, do it before he leaves. or else youd feel like a retard for not making a move. (i swear this guy that i saw moshing and kiiinda flirted with reminded me of pete wentz from fob {just the eyes and hair, hes a madd mosher}) anywaysss, summer is here. but why do i still feel like im being held back. this fucking cage that im trapped behind wont bend. LET.ME.FUCKING.FREE.

Give Me Envy, Give Me Malice, Baby Give Me A Break!