worst case scenarios and worse.

Question:  What happens when a poor unfortunate soul realizes she may have some serious emotional issues?

Answer: You'd think she would get some medical help right? Unfortunately my mom assumes I fake every illness possible in order to save her own broke ass from paying for sessions. So I don't think I'll tell her...
So instead, I'll probably start pushing people away like I always do. I never really want to do it, but I live in fear of peoples reactions towards me. What am I to them? A freak, a psycho, a lost cause, a loser? I've tried to pretend all these years that I'm not the most sensitive girl in the world, but turns out I am. In he next few dsays, or even tonight, I might get a concerned call from the only friend who reads this. The other one who used to read it doesn't give much interest anymore I don't think, if he did he would have said or done something about it a long time ago. The night I needed someone to calm me down, nobody had their phones. But yea, the realization hit me last night, as I was crying in my head about things that could happen despite everything that's been said to me. Worst case scenarios and worse. My head moved from one thing to the next: divorce, love, fake, sex, lies, cheating, death, friends, heartache... and a bit more of divorce. I think that's how it all started, the divorce. I should have agreed when my mom suggested seeing someone to help ease the pain, I thought I was stronger. Nobody was home except my siblings, my mom still believes she's 24 with her fat asshole of a boyfriend (Does that shmuck perspire mayonaisse? Ugh hate him). So I pulled on my boots and light sweater and walked to the park at 2 in the morning. I actually laid down onn the bench and silently hoped I'd freeze to death. Or maybe for someone to kill me. I saw a PostSecret that said "Sometimes I wish I would die of tragic consequences, because if I died old, nobody will remember me for me." I'm scared that I agreed. I'm also scared when I envision my friends growing up to be what they want to be. Teachers, lawyers, doctors, historians, I picture it all. I don't see a future for myself when I look into the mirror... that also frightens me. I also compare my relationship to others (I know, it's so wrong and I hate doing it) and I.... Anyways I was back home by 3, and found comfort in the only thing that made me smile late that night: my bed and the Night Before Christmas DVD. I think I fell asleep during Kidnap Mister Sandy Claws... but I'm not too sure. I wake up, and unfortunately I checked my phone to see if he messaged at all. I'm weirded out. And frightened. I'm always frightened. Frightened, Scared, Afraid, Alone. All the same to me. And I consider doing stupid things before bedtime. Wow jesusss this is like my life confessions. Gotta stop. And don't bother calling, it's all said here I have nothing more to say.

A Merry Weekend To All.
-deathofbeauty