breaking down...

...is always easy.
But so hard accepting.
You feel weak, and pathetic and insecure.
Now,
I am incapable of breaking down.
It seems I've cried myself dry...
...
But it doesn't mean I can't lash out at the people I seem to love.
So I can show him and myself how miserable I am.

I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ANYMORE
It's just a rant.
It seems like everyones leaving
- The guy I love...or loved... whatever he wants me to feel.
- my best friend who just left for British Columbia... and the last time I saw her was on a stretcher at the Warped Tour
- my other best friend who had run away from home, but she came back so meh hah...
- my friends who made new ones at work

Blahhh life doesn't seem to be
looking up for the
Death....ofbeauty.

why

are you still following this blog even after i'm gone...?

don't make it harder than it has to be...

can i please scream in your ear? i want to prove my point

oh, she's wandering around
drinking in the sweet scent of life
don't bother looking down
rather watch her time pass her by

there she goes
that sad and torn soul
there she goes
with no one to help her

she's wandering around
with her heart on her sleeves.
with nowhere to go
she drags along memories and dreams
nowhere to go
that sad and torn soul
got nothing but time left to face
hoping there's so much more to live for in this place

it's hard to hide such a mess

wishing in one hand
crapping in my other
which one fills first?

Man my life's quite a handful these days

talk to me

so i know i'm not alone in this world


...i lied to you
so you can leave me
because you can do so much better
than me...

and now he knows...

That I'll always love him
What he meant to me
That I cried over him (after we hung up)
That I'd still die for him
Which songs were about him
My shattered hopes for our future
That I was always jealous of his girl friends
That I've always been a bit too emotional when he's gone
How angry he used made me
How unconditionally in love I am with him
That I found home in his arms
That he was my first best friend
That he was my crying shoulder
That when I broke down he put me back together... only to break me down again!
How soothing his presence was to me
That keeping our possible 'mistake' sometimes sounds like a good idea... so I can always keep you
That I loved waking up with him beside me
How much I miss him now that he's gone...
And he knows that he misses me too.
...Because I'm actually gone....

He reads this.
You know you saved my life.
Yet you're now killing me.
I'm attached to you.
Whys that a bad thing?
You're leaving, I understand that.
So why end something that was good?
Why?
Because you can't handle commitment.
Because you can't handle attachment and love.
Because you can't handle the fact that someone might love you enough to let you go in the end.
Because you can't handle someone like me.

Someone like the
.DeathOfBeauty.

The Boy Test aka "Survival Of The Fittest"

My lab was restored. By what, you ask?
The old potion... the aggressive potion. The vial that sent me to the emergency only one year ago. Fixed me, and lifted me up once more. This happened April 11, 2009, and I simply have forgotten to log it. Thinking it would be wise to give it another shot, I mixed the vial with what was left of my chemical mixture. And so the colour changed to a smooth, simple reddish-pink.
A Love Potion.

I had found it. The one. The only. My personal alpha and omega. I fell in love. I still am in love. I think I may always be in love with him, his vial. Him. There were so many risks involved, and it literally pains me to say it, but I don't think I can ever find someone like him again.

Unfortunately, it would soon come to an end. The Love Potion is not permanent, and can only last for another year before they ship his mixture away for war and army purposes.
Three.
Three years. He's in the army for three FUCKING years.
And still my love for him won't fade. As much as his will, mine will not. Unfortunately to this relationship there are severe repercussions. Every once in a while it would fade to a jealousy green, and every so often, it would become a dark aggressive red. But love is love, and we must deal with the obstacles that come in between.

But since he is going away soon, he wants to move away from my mixture. Live free and lose all morals. Become more involved with other random vials in the lab. Leaving me heartbroken and empty.

As of now, the vial is red.
A question for anyone who cares:

How Can You Be In Love With Someone When You Also Want To Play The Field And Live Free Before Leaving Forever?

you send me spinning...

...and i'm ready to cut guitar strings
be my noose
be my razor
be my cliff
be that
bullet in my chest
that pounding softly as you
curve your index finger
hug it close
like you hugged me
once before you decided to leave
now it's all a big facade
a big charade
and nothing left
but i feel the same
.
inches from death but i feel alive
for the first time
and you're a cool criminal
stole that piece of me
that's once called a heart.
hide the evidence
hide the evidence
hide it fast
before
it gets too dark

And he will never know...

How much I love him
What he means to me
That I cry over him
That I'd die for him
Which songs are about him
When I think about him
How much I talk about him
My hopes for our future
My secret fantasies
That I'm always a jealous one
That I'm always a bit too emotional when he's gone
How angry he sometimes makes me
How unconditionally in love I am with him
That I find home in his arms
That he's my first best friend
That he's my crying shoulder
That when I broke down he put me back together
How soothing his presence is to me
That sometimes I wish for a 'mistake' so I can keep a piece of him here
That I love waking up with him beside me
How much I'll miss him
when he leaves...
Everything that will help me to remember the good times.
Everything that will help me to remember that he cares too.

And he won't know
that he will miss me too.

...Until I'm actually gone....

I guess in a way ZG saved my life.
In so many ways...

If he reads this though, I guess it'll be part of his plane letter when he leaves me.
Love him never in sight, but
Forever and Ever in Heart and Mind <3

Love Makes Fools Of Us All...
Even The
.Death.Of.Beauty.