hold on, one more time with feeling, try it again...

breathing's just a rhythm,
say it in your mind until,
you know that the words are right,
this is why we fight.
- One More Time With Feeling, Regina Spektor


The marks on my neck are HUGEEEE
This is the kind of abuse that I like haha.

I've never been truly sane,
I don't know why I have the people I have.... I've messed up so much I can't believe they've stuck around.
But I can't complain, they're pretty damn great. I wish I could say the same for myself though.

Ahhh, life's only good when you make it out to be.
Shame I'm the most pessimistic girl on the planet.
Always expecting the worst to come in situations....

It's only because it has happened before.

Pessimistically the
Dee Oh Beauty...<3?

my subconscious hates my guts.

I can barely breathe.
once again demons await me in dreams unimaginable.
and I'm sitting here
wondering
if that will ever happen.

It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
It's a neverending cycle, and on and on it will go.
It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want it to end.
It's a neverending cycle, please don't make it so.

My dreams are conspiring against me, putting thoughts and worse than worst case scenarios in my mind.
Tricking me, confusing me, killing me, and it's beginning to show.

So throughout my day, I'll continue to say under my breath

please no, please no, please no.

Completely Sick and Out Of Her Mind.
Death.Of.Beauty...

Comment if anyone even gives a shit anymore.

UGH

I'm so damn weak.
I don't know why I'm crying though.... the weight of the world just seems to be crashing down... and I can't seem to cope.

I had a different dream.... and I was so disgusted when I woke up.. I'm dreading falling asleep tonight...
I'm crying just thinking about that possibility..

Maybe the laptop will catch my tears and just electrocute me or something.
...Please?

drowning in dreams...

...and living in nightmares.

My mind scares the shit out of me,
trying to place fact and fabrication
and figuring out 'what if's and 'really's.
Maybe I'm pmsing, maybe I'm overreacting.
But when the paranoia sinks in,
I'm trapped.
...
Last night I had that dream,
and for the rest of the day I could barely breathe...
So tell me what I'm supposed to think
How I should react, say and feel.
It changes nothing, but the thought just irks me,
and eats at my core.

With nothing else to say, I'm the
Death.Of.Beauty. <3

P.S. FUCK CHEMISTRY

Cruel To Be Young

By far that's my favourite quote on my wall.
Because it's just so true haha.

I can't write anymore, I don't know what's gotten into me.
But I'm not complaining.
For the first time I wear genuine smiles and bright eyes.
Holding tightly onto who I can, for as long as I am allowed.
I just hope that I never give them reason to let go.

Ech hopefully I can write later on tonight.
Blargggg
All that I have in mind to write about is that I'm crazily in love with my boyfriend.
But we've had our awkward moments this weekend.
I hope you read it ;)
LOVE YOU

I'm a HappyHappy
Death.Of.Beauty

ABehDeh

I hate being paranoid.
...
It's not new that I've got anxiety and paranoia.. kinda.
But now i'm more open about it.
I can't help it hah.

How do I cope?
I think in my head:

The harder you squeeze the more it slips away.

Deep Breath,
and I'll once again submerge myself in the icy waters

But once a cruel Facebook group about you is created,
you have every fucking right to hate the fucking world.

If it's not real

You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

-- DeathOfBeauty --

Things Are Lookng Up, Oh Finallyyy!!

I just got back from the Paramore concert.
And am in no position to write properly.
This very sentence took me 15 minutes.
...
One Word:

WOW

D.O.Beautyyy<3

Disregard...

...my previous post.
...
I hate to be in love with you.
But I am.


And when those autumn leaves fall from the trees
I'll laugh and crunch them under my chucks
feeling the crisp and crinkle
and hoping for the best.

...I'm Holding Out And Holding On
to what I hope is you.

Don't Let Down
the Death.Of.Beauty.

You know that I love you so...

...I love you enough to let you go.

When my evergreen tree matches the fall leaves,
I'll draw my line of love.
sweet kisses leave sour aftertastes
and emotions change like October leaves.
we're mixing seasons baby,
and winter's not my type,
and last time I checked...
flowers don't live through the blizzard.
warm hugs do nothing to ice hearts.
that's all you are, right?
Ice, Glass, Frozen, Solid, Stone.
cold, hard, fragile parts
and you just had to steal my heart.
I'm taking it all back now, and you think I won't last .

my heart is glasss but my mind is steel
you really are a gorilla playing with a flower.
I'll turn to you one last time,
"all I need to know is that I'm something
you will be missing."
And thats when my evergreen
turned the autumn shade.

. I'm Already Gone.

What if I started a band?...

and i can't sleep tonight
because i'm haunted by the memories
and the demons behind my eyelids tease and taunt
to rip apart the soul
i'm holding out and i'm holding on
and i pray you don't come crawling back anymore.

I'm feeling so nostalgic
could it be wevé been here once before
i feel it creeping up my spine
worry anxious all the time.

Calling from the abyss
I swear i've heard your voice before
i feel your name on the tip of my tongue
like a cool bullet on the barrel of a gun