hey everyone.
just wishing everyone a frightening night
on this day of All Hallows Eve.
muahaha.
okay now just getting cheesy.
hope everyone got a shitload of candy.
i went out with 10 other people, and got complaints because we're too old.
screw it, let us live! haha
and the scary part of it, was that i was with 2 other ginger kids and one of their girlfriends, who has me as Satans Child on her cell phone. tonights the night when we own the night!!
and of course some people have to be dramatic...but enough about bad events.
it was a kick ass time.
hope everyone gets high off major sugar rushes!
oh wow, i hear rain! thank god it didnt start when i was out!.
so sit down, rent Nightmare Before Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and have an awesome halloween!
...Boo...
.Death.Of.Beauty.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
what's it feel like to be a ghost?...
...louder now
sorry,
i know it's weird.
but things have just being going right,
so why talk about love gone wrong,
when the love was just a toxic romance.
who needs love for now when you have friends?
what does it feel like to be just a ghost in my eyes?
now i guess you know how i felt..
.LouuuDerrr Nowww!.
sorry,
i know it's weird.
but things have just being going right,
so why talk about love gone wrong,
when the love was just a toxic romance.
who needs love for now when you have friends?
what does it feel like to be just a ghost in my eyes?
now i guess you know how i felt..
.LouuuDerrr Nowww!.
Monday, October 29, 2007
until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you...
...We made the same mistakes
you're the F i'll never forget,
and i'm the L shaped scar.
because we're all failures and losers.
you're a legend in everyone's eyes,
but a failure in mine.
but my eyes can deceive me,
because leaking eyes can blur what's in front of them.
seems today like everything's a disease, a cancer.
i'm on a love diet, but i guess diet can give you cancer too.
whats the point of loving if its limited?
whats the point of living without love?
live and love are only a vowel away from being the same.
i watched moulin rouge tonight, and i learned something
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love,
and be loved in return."
i guess i've never learned, because even though i've loved,
i've never been loved in return.
friends with benefits exchange body heat,
but never exchange a feeling, or a moment.
i'm just an accessory, a ring around your finger.
the only thing i don't regret is writing.
the friend was a disease, a cancer, a mistake.
writing was the cure.
.Mistakes like friends do.
- the bolded lyrics and title is Until The Day I Die by Story Of The Year
same shit, different day,
no point in writing about it
Sunday, October 28, 2007
look how far i've come.
Hey everyone.
I started this blog in the June of 2007, not too long ago, and i've already made 70 posts. i look back at my old posts (not including the first post, that wasn't even mine hah) and realize that they're all down, depressing, and just sad to read. i based some of my posts on the three main hurts in my life: breaks, crashes and burns. breaks are the heartbreaks and aches of a hurt relationship. crashes like the impact and bang of just, a bad situation, like the feeling of a car crash. burns like the scars and scratches of every single word that certain people have ever said to me. it's these that pretty much make up my life.
But life can't just be down. it's almost impossible, because going on like this with all depression, wouldn't i have committed suicide? i look back and read a few, and remember that i was also happy at those times. why didn't i write about those? it's too late to do it now, but there are questions left unanswered.
First of all, hi my name is ______. sorry wont tell you that. i created this blog, this online diary, so my brain wouldn't explode from all the thoughts and feelings i was keeping inside. i kept this secret so nobody would read this but me, but it seems to have leaked a bit, since i have comments here and there on my posts. i thank you for that. when i started, i was in a dark moment of my life. i guess i saw everyone changing around me and me staying the same, and i wasn't ready to change. so there is the beginning of the blog.
Later on, it got a bit worse. i guess you could say it was the change of environment. some say that it was the music i listened to. just because it wasn't mainstream doesn't mean it's emo or death metal. my friend once checked my wrists for cuts. i'll have you know i was never like that. so, my posts became more like a scene, a short story, that's just not really straightforward. like a trial, a hospital, drowning, a sidewalk, and others. and i had more of a format. the title and bolded lines at the top and bottom are lyrics to a song that somewhat relates to it, and i still use that now. i also started playing guitar. it was the summer so i had more freedom. i went to an underground rock local show, where i was introduced to a whole new scene. i'm not a part of it, but fuck i envy them. i also went to Warped Tour 2007, fucking sick. that was pretty much, late july and august of my blog.
Then, i felt my world crash. my parents called me and my brother out to the backyard, to well, talk. they announced that they lost love, and that they were getting a divorce. see, my family was the model family. my parents were so deeply in love, and so cool. but then this just brought me crashing, because i believed it. and i accepted it, but then i realized, if their love isn't as it seems, then what is? i was thinking, maybe everything i ever knew was wrong, and that my life is just as fucked up and my parents relationship. so the posts got even worse, and i was so caged by my thoughts that i lost track of everything around me. before i knew it, it was the start of the school year. grade 10, yippy..
Come september, i was panicked about the start of a new school year. not only that, but the new people...or just person. a friend that i've known for a year or so came with a group of friends to a baseball game, and judging by my post called A Better Love Deserving Of..., i started liking the guy. afterwards, i was scared about a relationship, because i didn't want to risk losing a friendship, so i became the "dazed and confused" one. his voice was the "soundtrack of my summer". unfortunately, i was a bit nervous about a real high school relationship, but after i said yes, my whole life turned around. i met someone who could brighten my day, and my posts were happier, when i talked about him, rather than looking back on my past fallen relationships. i thought it'll last forever. funny how love can do that to you. people call it "lovesick".
At the end of September to the present, i noticed something. the guy was full of testosterone, and that's all he wanted with me. he changed and i was getting into more talks with my parents for the divorce, so it all came crashing. i still liked him, but the best things in life you have to let go. i didn't want him to go down with me. so i ended it, only to bring more drama. he was gone for a week in New York after then refused to talk to me. he wanted only an answer..."why?" after much talk, we agreed that because my parents didn't even allow a boyfriend, to be friends, with a few benefits. but he seemed to care more about the benefits then our friendship. sure he cared about the friendship, but he didn't show it. and he didn't trust me, when i trusted him enough to give him this blog link. so here i stand, alone and i'm wondering, when can life be normal. and to you, whats considered "normal"?
thanks for reading.
i'll be posting in here still.
this is my escape from reality.
giving what readers i have the abstract, non-straightforward stories that express how i feel.
.ShowingYouTheReality.
.Death.Of.Beauty.
I started this blog in the June of 2007, not too long ago, and i've already made 70 posts. i look back at my old posts (not including the first post, that wasn't even mine hah) and realize that they're all down, depressing, and just sad to read. i based some of my posts on the three main hurts in my life: breaks, crashes and burns. breaks are the heartbreaks and aches of a hurt relationship. crashes like the impact and bang of just, a bad situation, like the feeling of a car crash. burns like the scars and scratches of every single word that certain people have ever said to me. it's these that pretty much make up my life.
But life can't just be down. it's almost impossible, because going on like this with all depression, wouldn't i have committed suicide? i look back and read a few, and remember that i was also happy at those times. why didn't i write about those? it's too late to do it now, but there are questions left unanswered.
First of all, hi my name is ______. sorry wont tell you that. i created this blog, this online diary, so my brain wouldn't explode from all the thoughts and feelings i was keeping inside. i kept this secret so nobody would read this but me, but it seems to have leaked a bit, since i have comments here and there on my posts. i thank you for that. when i started, i was in a dark moment of my life. i guess i saw everyone changing around me and me staying the same, and i wasn't ready to change. so there is the beginning of the blog.
Later on, it got a bit worse. i guess you could say it was the change of environment. some say that it was the music i listened to. just because it wasn't mainstream doesn't mean it's emo or death metal. my friend once checked my wrists for cuts. i'll have you know i was never like that. so, my posts became more like a scene, a short story, that's just not really straightforward. like a trial, a hospital, drowning, a sidewalk, and others. and i had more of a format. the title and bolded lines at the top and bottom are lyrics to a song that somewhat relates to it, and i still use that now. i also started playing guitar. it was the summer so i had more freedom. i went to an underground rock local show, where i was introduced to a whole new scene. i'm not a part of it, but fuck i envy them. i also went to Warped Tour 2007, fucking sick. that was pretty much, late july and august of my blog.
Then, i felt my world crash. my parents called me and my brother out to the backyard, to well, talk. they announced that they lost love, and that they were getting a divorce. see, my family was the model family. my parents were so deeply in love, and so cool. but then this just brought me crashing, because i believed it. and i accepted it, but then i realized, if their love isn't as it seems, then what is? i was thinking, maybe everything i ever knew was wrong, and that my life is just as fucked up and my parents relationship. so the posts got even worse, and i was so caged by my thoughts that i lost track of everything around me. before i knew it, it was the start of the school year. grade 10, yippy..
Come september, i was panicked about the start of a new school year. not only that, but the new people...or just person. a friend that i've known for a year or so came with a group of friends to a baseball game, and judging by my post called A Better Love Deserving Of..., i started liking the guy. afterwards, i was scared about a relationship, because i didn't want to risk losing a friendship, so i became the "dazed and confused" one. his voice was the "soundtrack of my summer". unfortunately, i was a bit nervous about a real high school relationship, but after i said yes, my whole life turned around. i met someone who could brighten my day, and my posts were happier, when i talked about him, rather than looking back on my past fallen relationships. i thought it'll last forever. funny how love can do that to you. people call it "lovesick".
At the end of September to the present, i noticed something. the guy was full of testosterone, and that's all he wanted with me. he changed and i was getting into more talks with my parents for the divorce, so it all came crashing. i still liked him, but the best things in life you have to let go. i didn't want him to go down with me. so i ended it, only to bring more drama. he was gone for a week in New York after then refused to talk to me. he wanted only an answer..."why?" after much talk, we agreed that because my parents didn't even allow a boyfriend, to be friends, with a few benefits. but he seemed to care more about the benefits then our friendship. sure he cared about the friendship, but he didn't show it. and he didn't trust me, when i trusted him enough to give him this blog link. so here i stand, alone and i'm wondering, when can life be normal. and to you, whats considered "normal"?
thanks for reading.
i'll be posting in here still.
this is my escape from reality.
giving what readers i have the abstract, non-straightforward stories that express how i feel.
.ShowingYouTheReality.
.Death.Of.Beauty.
this is the scent of dead skin on the linoleum floor, this is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital...
...it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional
every day i wake up hoping i'm in a white room,
so maybe this will all be a dream, an accident, a mistake.
the ativan has worn off, and i'm suffering from a mild amnesia.
i sit in my hard, hospital bed and wonder
where did my life go?
why am i here?
when did it all end?
my wires choke me.
and the beeping of the IV to the left is echoing through my ears.
i'm just nostalgic for a 'worth it' life.
not a life that will turn on me,
and say "i'm sorry i cant be perfect"
and "you deserve better".
a hopeless promise and a breakable vow,
i do deserve better than that.
i lay back down to think, closing my glazed eyes.
then i realize, why can't i open them again?
the IV echoes louder and faster, and footsteps approach.
fuck the ringing ears i want to go home.
i try to scream but it falls on deaf ears.
a faint "clear" is heard and the IV quickens.
i just want to go home, i don't want to be here.
i deserve my life, it's perfect enough for me.
life, don't leave, don't leave. not now.
there are those who say they see the white light at the end of the tunnel,
but maybe its just for those who are willing to accept death.
i'm not one with arms wide open.
the noise.the beeping.the footsteps.the "clear". they start to fade.
life, don't let me slip, slip, away...
.it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal.
every day i wake up hoping i'm in a white room,
so maybe this will all be a dream, an accident, a mistake.
the ativan has worn off, and i'm suffering from a mild amnesia.
i sit in my hard, hospital bed and wonder
where did my life go?
why am i here?
when did it all end?
my wires choke me.
and the beeping of the IV to the left is echoing through my ears.
i'm just nostalgic for a 'worth it' life.
not a life that will turn on me,
and say "i'm sorry i cant be perfect"
and "you deserve better".
a hopeless promise and a breakable vow,
i do deserve better than that.
i lay back down to think, closing my glazed eyes.
then i realize, why can't i open them again?
the IV echoes louder and faster, and footsteps approach.
fuck the ringing ears i want to go home.
i try to scream but it falls on deaf ears.
a faint "clear" is heard and the IV quickens.
i just want to go home, i don't want to be here.
i deserve my life, it's perfect enough for me.
life, don't leave, don't leave. not now.
there are those who say they see the white light at the end of the tunnel,
but maybe its just for those who are willing to accept death.
i'm not one with arms wide open.
the noise.the beeping.the footsteps.the "clear". they start to fade.
life, don't let me slip, slip, away...
.it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal, we deal.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
kill, smile, cut it out for me this time...
...smile, haven't seen her smile in a while
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
i'm only knee deep in a pool of lies,
but i'm still wading in.
the swimmers are splashing the backstabbing fluid right into my face.
i wish theyd realize what they have become.
demons that suck the happiness right out of me.
the feeling when jumping off an airborne plane.
the pain of a loved one leaving you,
even worse, forced or pushed away from you.
i'll take the stairs out of the pool of deceit,
and walk the outskirts. all eyes are on me.
in one second, i'm drowning in my own fib.
and you pushed me, and took the high dive.
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
.when i mentioned 'blue'.
-bolded title and lyrics is Sound Effects and Overdramatics by The Used.
i'm sick of people hiding who they really are.
all around me i see change.
and i dont like it. wake me up!
im living the nightmare i have never dreamed.
save the social masquerades for royalty and politics.
they have a reason to hide.
ChangeIsInevitable...
ButHowDoYouSurvive?
.Death.Of.Beauty.
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
i'm only knee deep in a pool of lies,
but i'm still wading in.
the swimmers are splashing the backstabbing fluid right into my face.
i wish theyd realize what they have become.
demons that suck the happiness right out of me.
the feeling when jumping off an airborne plane.
the pain of a loved one leaving you,
even worse, forced or pushed away from you.
i'll take the stairs out of the pool of deceit,
and walk the outskirts. all eyes are on me.
in one second, i'm drowning in my own fib.
and you pushed me, and took the high dive.
whats it like to live in a technicolour world?
i'd like to see things as they truly are.
you hide behind your feathered mask.
show your true colours.
.when i mentioned 'blue'.
-bolded title and lyrics is Sound Effects and Overdramatics by The Used.
i'm sick of people hiding who they really are.
all around me i see change.
and i dont like it. wake me up!
im living the nightmare i have never dreamed.
save the social masquerades for royalty and politics.
they have a reason to hide.
ChangeIsInevitable...
ButHowDoYouSurvive?
.Death.Of.Beauty.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
so you're selfish, and i'm sorry...
...when i'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
rewind to the time when my heart was safe.
take back everything you've said.
lost in my head,
the feelings dead.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when you were mine,
and when you were never fucking worried.
and now its burning,
and i'm learning,
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when i thought you were different,
now your voice is like fingers on chalk,
cheap talk,
watching me like a hawk.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
maybe you've always been this way,
i'm just realizing it now.
now promises turn to dust,
and feelings turn to ashes.
tie the anchor to my waist,
and let me sink.
come find me when you learn,
how to trust the best things in life.
.nowhere fast, nowhere fast.
-the bolded lyrics and title is Skeptics and True Believers by The Academy Is...
oh yes... i'm going nowhere pretty fucking fast!
i just put the jigsaw back into place, and now i'm thinking straight.
but oh fuck, i think i lied last week when i said i'm coming clean.
he doesnt know what love is, he just does as he's told
rewind to the time when my heart was safe.
take back everything you've said.
lost in my head,
the feelings dead.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when you were mine,
and when you were never fucking worried.
and now its burning,
and i'm learning,
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
rewind to the time when i thought you were different,
now your voice is like fingers on chalk,
cheap talk,
watching me like a hawk.
you're not the same, you've changed.
its not like you need me anyways.
maybe you've always been this way,
i'm just realizing it now.
now promises turn to dust,
and feelings turn to ashes.
tie the anchor to my waist,
and let me sink.
come find me when you learn,
how to trust the best things in life.
.nowhere fast, nowhere fast.
-the bolded lyrics and title is Skeptics and True Believers by The Academy Is...
oh yes... i'm going nowhere pretty fucking fast!
i just put the jigsaw back into place, and now i'm thinking straight.
but oh fuck, i think i lied last week when i said i'm coming clean.
he doesnt know what love is, he just does as he's told
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
stay awake, get a grip and get out...
...you're safe from the weight of the world
i lay awake,
thinking of the days i felt alive.
do i remember that?
if i did, then i would have more sleep each night.
did i even have those days?
my life is just based on back-biting and back-stabbing.
you're just the diamond in my coalmine.
the rose in my bouquet of dandelions.
but its hard to know whats real.
we can never tell whats wood or plastic,
unless its put to the magnifying lens.
what happens when what you thought was real,
became plastic. artificial. fake.
i'd rather not know.
i'd rather inhale chloroform every night before sleep.
i'd rather listen to the sob songs and stories a million times over,
then have to admit that its just, not real.
remember to feel real, remember to be real.
.just take a second to set things straight.
-the bolded is Stay Awake by All Time Low
i'm really into the song Everything We Had by The Academy Is...
really great song, i'll put the video on the blog in like, a few minutes.
i'm so confused about everything going on.
i'm barely surviving school
and this years peer pressure has just gotten started.
i'm in for quite a year.
oh congrats, my friend saved me nine months of drama when announcing that she wasn't pregnant... people are so fucking paranoid, whether it be so-called best friends or overprotective ex-boyfriends.
wooowie. i really am so different from others at my school.
its just, i don't fit in. but maybe its better that way.
i am mostly carefree...and don't need anyone to worry about me...much.
WhyWorry?
.Death.Of.Beauty.
i lay awake,
thinking of the days i felt alive.
do i remember that?
if i did, then i would have more sleep each night.
did i even have those days?
my life is just based on back-biting and back-stabbing.
you're just the diamond in my coalmine.
the rose in my bouquet of dandelions.
but its hard to know whats real.
we can never tell whats wood or plastic,
unless its put to the magnifying lens.
what happens when what you thought was real,
became plastic. artificial. fake.
i'd rather not know.
i'd rather inhale chloroform every night before sleep.
i'd rather listen to the sob songs and stories a million times over,
then have to admit that its just, not real.
remember to feel real, remember to be real.
.just take a second to set things straight.
-the bolded is Stay Awake by All Time Low
i'm really into the song Everything We Had by The Academy Is...
really great song, i'll put the video on the blog in like, a few minutes.
i'm so confused about everything going on.
i'm barely surviving school
and this years peer pressure has just gotten started.
i'm in for quite a year.
oh congrats, my friend saved me nine months of drama when announcing that she wasn't pregnant... people are so fucking paranoid, whether it be so-called best friends or overprotective ex-boyfriends.
wooowie. i really am so different from others at my school.
its just, i don't fit in. but maybe its better that way.
i am mostly carefree...and don't need anyone to worry about me...much.
WhyWorry?
.Death.Of.Beauty.
Monday, October 22, 2007
dream every night that one will come true...
...but only bad ones ever do
i want to fall asleep forever.
i'd fog up the windows
just to draw our names on the glass.
lets see how long it lasts this time.
there goes the girl i know.
she would check her phone for a missed call.
from the guy who told her to fuck off.
why does she still love him?
i've heard some find the knight in shining armour.
i've heard the parodies too.
i walk home from school on the black and orange streets.
tis the season to be melancholy.
all hallows eve is my favourite holiday.
why? because you can hide.
behind a mask, a costume, makeup,
and people will think nothing of it.
its the perfect excuse
to hide who you really are.
can i fall asleep forever?
in my mind i can be what i want to be.
keep me safe in your arms.
...
trick or treat
.won't let it pass me by again.
i want to fall asleep forever.
i'd fog up the windows
just to draw our names on the glass.
lets see how long it lasts this time.
there goes the girl i know.
she would check her phone for a missed call.
from the guy who told her to fuck off.
why does she still love him?
i've heard some find the knight in shining armour.
i've heard the parodies too.
i walk home from school on the black and orange streets.
tis the season to be melancholy.
all hallows eve is my favourite holiday.
why? because you can hide.
behind a mask, a costume, makeup,
and people will think nothing of it.
its the perfect excuse
to hide who you really are.
can i fall asleep forever?
in my mind i can be what i want to be.
keep me safe in your arms.
...
trick or treat
.won't let it pass me by again.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
the only road that i have ever known...
...don't know where it goes
carve names in the old tree
names of what used to be.
we're the street curb kids,
living it up like we were eight again.
today i watched a house get ding-dong ditched,
and i realized how much i want childhood back.
live a life without choices or cares.
a life where you can be anything you want.
live by your own rules, fuck consequences.
you get to be yourself,
without the fear of being put down.
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
this is where i learned how to ride a bike.
this is the house i drew on.
this used to be a farm, why the fuck are there houses?
as much as people would like to be 8 again,
would you even remember how to do it?
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
i lay down on the old lawn.
these grass stains don't mean anything anymore.
as much as i would like to be 8 again,
i don't have the courage to be myself.
.but it's home to me and i walk alone.
blahh i'm being forced to go to bed by some guy on msn...
so sorry that this isn't great.
blame him... he's evil.
its 2:30 am...
and the bolded lyrics are Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
rawrr i'm stalling to stay online...gahh screw it
goodmorning, goodafternoon, goodevening, and goodnight to all.
carve names in the old tree
names of what used to be.
we're the street curb kids,
living it up like we were eight again.
today i watched a house get ding-dong ditched,
and i realized how much i want childhood back.
live a life without choices or cares.
a life where you can be anything you want.
live by your own rules, fuck consequences.
you get to be yourself,
without the fear of being put down.
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
this is where i learned how to ride a bike.
this is the house i drew on.
this used to be a farm, why the fuck are there houses?
as much as people would like to be 8 again,
would you even remember how to do it?
walked down my old street the other day,
feeling as though i was born again.
i lay down on the old lawn.
these grass stains don't mean anything anymore.
as much as i would like to be 8 again,
i don't have the courage to be myself.
.but it's home to me and i walk alone.
blahh i'm being forced to go to bed by some guy on msn...
so sorry that this isn't great.
blame him... he's evil.
its 2:30 am...
and the bolded lyrics are Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
rawrr i'm stalling to stay online...gahh screw it
goodmorning, goodafternoon, goodevening, and goodnight to all.
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