SIckSickSick...

Mmmmm coincidentally listening to Queens Of The Stone Age
...
I've been getting sick a lot lately... don't know why. Couldn't even enjoy The Planet Smashers and Creepshow as much as I wanted to.
The fact that my exboyfriend was there and this was kinda like the show we saw on Valentines Day didn't help either. I'm trying to be friends... but when a couple breaks up and the feelings are still there (one-sided of course) it's hard not to glare and feel hurt.
Especially since he followed me out of the show... when I clearly was trying to escape this sick and twisted deja vu.

Iatrophobia...
Fear Of Doctors. That's what I have. My curse..
Fuck I don't even think I'm pronouncing that properly.... hahah oh well
(my pronunciation... Yatrophobia)


Silence your harsh words my dear,
My ears ringing of this,
I can't stop thinking of it.

Ohh texts from the exboyfriend...
Why does everyone think I'm pregnant....? LOL

Young Love

A Story, Fictitious In Ways But Nontheless Based On A True Story I Suppose. I Actually Wrote This In May, Before Everything Actually Happened, For My Writers Craft Class And Got A 90%, So It Left Out The Pregnancy Scare And The Real Way Things Ended Up.

But Yea.... Here You Have It

I can still remember the overpowering scent of his Diesel cologne as he embraced me that summer day. Clad in his black chained jeans and Bad Religion t-shirt he had meandered over to my side of the field, his typical half smirk- half smile. With a grin, I hugged him back, and added a small peck on the cheek. We pulled apart, and I gave him a look up and down; his unkempt wavy brown hair went in every direction possible, his eyes a sparkling blue, and his clothing damp and dirty. I shook my head with amusement and sighed, “Long day at work?”
He laughed. “You have no idea.” He wrapped a sweaty arm around me and we started walking down the field to the nearest bus stop. “So Livy,” he began, “How was your day at Hell Camp?” I giggled and just heaved an overly dramatic sigh, leaning against his shoulder as if I was ready to collapse. I did not have to say anything else.
Over the summer I was working at a day camp in Markham, which was almost an hour away from downtown Toronto camp where Travis was working. We had not been able to see each other in over two weeks, but I had taken a personal day off in order to surprise him before he got on his bus ride home. He had always referred to my camp as Hell Camp because other than the fact that it was a gruelling hot summer that year, it was because of my parents that I was not allowed to return to Travis' camp, and was forced to work as the music specialist at an isolated campus far from the boy I, unfortunately, had been crazy about.
We arrived at Travis' house just before the cloudy sky had begun to darken. Nothing had changed from the last time I was there; his mother was reading a new novel with one of their cats at her side, his father was seldom upstairs so I had assumed him to be in his office and his sister was in her room listening to music. I had let myself into his room to drop off my bags and sweater, and came back out in my faded red tank top, denim shorts and my plaid Converse high-top shoes. He too dropped off his bags and straightened himself out a little bit before he grabbed my hand and led me outside.
We had walked around his neighbourhood, laughing and joking before we reached our destination: an old park and playground. Ever since Travis and I had discovered that park in the beginning of our relationship, it had become our place, our domain, a place for ourselves. I can remember all of our past conversations, about the past, the present, the future, and whatever we could branch off from those topics. We once found a tire swing in the middle of the woods, in a small opening before the dirt path led to the ravine. It was there that I told him that I loved him. A couple days after that, we laid in the grassy field and stared up into the starry night sky, and it was there where he told me he loved me too.
Travis and I raced to the highest tower of the jungle gym, Travis obviously winning. “I'm the king of the world!” he exclaimed loudly, throwing his fists up in the air like a crazed primate, causing myself to burst into a fit of laughter.
In an effort to make me laugh until my face turned blue, he proceeded to fall down the slide in the most informal manner and swung back and forth on the monkey bars ravenously before a slip of the hand caused him to fall down into the playground sand. By then I was in hysterics, and he walked over to where I was sitting and took a seat beside me.
I slowly regained my composure and ended off my laughing fit with a sigh and a smile, and I then looked up at Travis. He seemed out of breath, but did not want to show it to avoid the topic of how unfit he was. I did not mean to say that he was unfit, he was very fit for an nonathletic teenager, but it was always fun to tease him. But nonetheless, he kept a smile and proceeded to hug me tightly.
“I love you Olivia Sykes, you know that right?” he asked me with a small kiss.
I pretended to think about it, before chuckling and kissing him back eagerly. I pulled back an inch, “and I love you too Travis Barks, more than anything!” He grinned widely and kissed me passionately.
We pulled apart and he stared into my hazel eyes, while his piercing blues held an emotion I could not decipher. “Promise me something?” he asked me quietly.
I nodded in reply. He sighed and continued, “Promise me that no matter what we go through, no matter what happens in the future, you will always remember that I love you.”
------------

I can still recall the final argument. Between the I love you's and the I miss you's was a longing for a closer bond and a lust that could not quite be quenched. After two years of being in complete love, bliss and obliviousness, monogamy did not seem to be an option anymore. His brown hair stood up more than usual from the constant running of his fingers through the locks. He paced back and forth in my room, at a loss of what to say next. I simply sat on the end of my mattress, watching him with emotionless eyes. I did not know before, but there was a secret that Travis had kept from me since the sixth month of our relationship, and it would crush me for a very long time in the future.
“Olivia it's been so long and we both haven't explored other realms of life,” he paused to see if I made any reaction or any movement at all before continuing, “I mean, think about it Liv! We're only eighteen! We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and with university coming up we will be even further apart than we were before.” He stopped once more, allowing him to gather his thoughts and allowing me to digest what was taking place. “Olivia, I love you. I love you so much that I am letting you go. We are strong, but not strong enough to withstand the distance between us.” He added in quietly, “unless you really want to wait three years for me,” but it was out of my earshot at the time.
I took in a deep breath. “You can not possibly tell me all this and expect it to be okay after you sugarcoat it with your 'I love you's.' Travis it's been over two years, and we've been dealing with this distance the entire time. Besides, you told me you were going to take a year off before university, and--”
“-- Olivia it's not only the distance. It is something that I have been thinking about for a while and my parents don't think a relationship is a good idea and you have to under-- ”
“--Ugh, Travis cut it out with the excuses!” I shouted at him, the anger built inside finally breaking through the surface. “There's something you are not telling me. Why are you not telling me, I mean, if it has anything to do with me, or with another girl, or something you know I can handle it... I mean, I'll be upset no doubt but don't lie to me Travis that's the one thing I cannot take! And...” I was beginning to ramble, which was normal for me when I was anxious, nervous, or on the verge of a breakdown. Travis had stopped pacing halfway through his own rant and was staring out my bedroom window.
"I'm leaving Liv," he finally exhaled, causing me to stop and stare. "Yea, I'm leaving. Halfway across the world... for a while."
I was in disbelief. "Travis what do you mean? You can't leave... I just can't... where?" I could feel my heart beating out of my chest wishing I could take back those words, in fear of his answer.
He sighed, "The army Olivia...  I have to get on a plane to Israel in a few days and I just couldn't find the words or the nerve to tell you! Please don't be like this Livy you know I love you. But I know you-"
"-What," I cut in, "could you possibly know about me right now Travis. How long have you known about this?! When did you know that this was that you wanted to do?" I unwillingly began moving my feet forward, inching closer and closer to him with every painful beat; beats that began to make rhythm with falling tears that I had not been aware of til then.
He mumbled quietly, "six months," and I had heard enough.
"You need to leave." My eyes glazed over. If my heart were pounding any harder I would've had broken ribs. He stared at me with scared eyes. I was sure that he had never seen me this angry; then again I do not think I have ever been that angry before.
"Liv please-"
"Out."
"Can you just wait one-"
"Travis Barks I want you OUT of my house!!" I returned to reality and willed my body against him, using everything I had to get him out the door. Reluctantly, he did not do anything. He didn't block my punching attempts, or grab my hands or embrace me, he simply allowed me to push him out the door.
------------

Days had passed, and I had barricaded myself in my room. I didn't know what day it was, nor did I know the time. Pictures, or pieces of them, were scattered along the hardwood floor. I hadn't showed in days. I hadn't eaten or drank anything but water. I barely slept, and when I did I'd return to my old nightmares, where I would drown and Travis would laugh on the sidelines. It echoed in my ears as I remembered with a shudder. I blared Underoath and The Creepshow, though I could no longer bare listening to "The Garden" as well as "Hero Of War" by Rise Against. All the little things that reminded me of him became poison. Nothing had made sense anymore, and I was unaware of anything occurring around me. The only thing that I was aware of, was the boy that sat at my front porch every day, his head in his hands and his feet tapping to a song in his head.
He looked up at my window every now and then, at least that's what I think he did. I caught him looking there whenever curiosity got the better of me, and I peeked through the blinds. One day, my mother let him into the house to try to talk some sense into me. My door was jammed with a desk and a drawer.
"Olivia, talk to me. I know you want to." I could hear the sadness in his voice. I did not reply. "Do you remember that time in the park, when we made the promise. No matter what we go through, Olivia... No. Matter.What. I will always love you, and I know you will always love me. Please Liv don't do this to yourself. Don't this to me." I could hear him choking up with every word. He banged on the door for the last time, and walked away. That was the last time I heard his voice.
On that cold rainy afternoon after that summer day, I had finally opened that door to reveal nothing but a crimson rose and a note of three simple words, “Remember my promise.”
------------
I return to the reality of the small cafe that I am sitting in, Gone with the Wind still at page 243 as it has been for the past 20 minutes. My cappuccino is no longer heated, but still drinkable, so I take my first sip as the door to the cafe opens, releasing a small “ding” from the bell over the entrance. I look up with a small smile, and am given a feeling of deja vu. In walks a man, about 24 years of age with clean cut brown hair and dressed in a simple blue long sleeved shirt and denim blue jeans. He notices me, and with a half smirk- half smile he casually wanders over to take the seat across from me. Wringing my fingers together, I inhale the familiar scent of Diesel cologne.

That's The Life And Times Of  The
Death.of.Beauty

My once favourite rose has now become the thorn in my side...

... in that one spot on my back that I can't seem to reach.

Speaking of which....
What do I do with those three dried roses on my windowsill.
An irritating reminder of the so-called 'love and promises'

Ahhh I'm adoring my wall collage in my room.
Just some thumbtacks and I'm ready to start my real wonder
This is where creativity is key.
Printing off pictures with band members,
old poems off this blog,
and just overall memories.
So exciteddd =D

Look at my previous post for what I've got so far.
Oh who am I kidding, my hiatus lost me all my readers hahaha.

Peace out
Dee.Oh.Bee

I don't know about you...

But if I start randomly crying while putting up a wall collage
I'd be scared for my well-being.
I don't know, I think I've finally been hit with the realization
that everyone I love
has left.
Even the guy I've loved for years won't talk to me because of my one mistake.
Whatever...
On the plus side though...

 My wall is coming along swimmingly!!!

Of course, my memories section is only beginning....

Why not start off with a bang?

Memories are memories... no matter how painful they become over time.

Lovely Jack Skellington bracelet from the Loveable-Aggressive-Perverted-Geeky-Athlete Boy of my Survival of my Fittest series

and the Chanel bracelet from the Too-Good-To-Be-True Boy of my Survival of my Fittest series

GottaLoveMe...The
DEATH.of.BeautY?!
sdohdasbcuibsadf ;D

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce...

...I wish.
I'm just a footnote in someone else's life story
A mere pawn in his game of chess
A notch on his bedpost
A check off his list
A mark on his tally
and anything else of the sort.

But unfortunately for him, I'm a survivor.
I'm ahead of the game.
I'm biting back
because
Big Girls Don't Cry
They Get Nasty
They Get Vicious
They Get Vengeful
They Get Malicious
and most of all...
They Get Even.

You can call me
the backbiting,
the sassy,
the astonishing
.Death.Of.Beauty.

NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT ;D

you mean the world to nothing...

... and i feel bad for "nothing"

Why the hell is a baby goat the new BlackBerry commercial mascot..

Kiss me then kill me,
I see your games,
Years of torture,
Drowning the flames.
But I'll hold my head high
Won't back down from you
And you'll break down
Like I know you do

I know you do
I know you do
do do do...

Tell your former self that I say "hey"
And the new you,
"Fuck you for the misery
that you put me through
I envy you
and you know
love's only skin deep to you
so i'll let you go

WORK IN PROGRESS
wtf am i saying these days?

Life...

...is waiting for me.

It's like I said,
in a post earlier called "who tends to pretend that he's concerned..."
"every friend has an end
but were you ever a friend of mine?"
Well of course you were a friend, until you stopped wanting to be.

Lolll summers been a mix of Shit and Ecstacy
I mean, it starts with Warped Tour and Camp and all that
Then proceeding to mid July where I break out into the Single Ladies dance
whoa-Oh-OH! Hahhh what a breakup (there's the shit/ecstacy mix)
Then proceeded to the end of July where I party like HELL and encounter old friends and enemies and encounter some new friends and enemies.
And old enemies becoming new friends hahaha
And here I sit, after a nice day of hanging with friends and roasting marshmellows in the backyard
WHATTA SUMMER!!

Started my life story yesterday
it's looking great
it's a bit fictitious of course.... I'm not THAT interesting

PeaceOUT
Death>OF>BeautyBIIATTCCHHH!!!