It's not like I consider suicide...

...but I always wonder
what would happen if one day,
I just disappeared from everyones lives.
Or
if I never existed,
how that would affect the people who I was closest with.

How would everyone react?
Would they be different if I had been in their lives?
I go through possible scenarios but that doesn't seem to do me any good,
since my self-esteem isn't too high to begin with.
I doubt I've changed the lives of people
though if I have,
I'm sure someone else would have been there to do it if I was never around.

Procrastinating my extra chemistry studying
woke up today unable to lift my head.
The pounding and throbbing were growing with every attempt to wake the fuck up.
My first migraine.
And for the first time in a while
I remembered my dream...
nightmare...
what you will.

When you get used to analyzing every bit of the world around you,
you begin to analyze yourself, and make relations to things you would never even consider relating yourself to beforehand.
And once you drive yourself crazy,
you're pretty much
the
Death Of Beauty    / <-- strike one

Soooo...

all you do is subtract blue from purple
and you get RED!

My lovely other half is a smartypants all right ;D

This is funny

Words A Woman Says and The REAL Meaning

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it’s an even trade.

Nothing - This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”.

Go Ahead - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

Go Ahead (Neutral Expression) - This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”.

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”


This made me LOL big time because it's trueeeee!!!
At least it is with me in most cases
 
 
Blarg okay I'm just finishing up helping my friend out with her Literature Review (which suck balls BTW) and then I'll drift into sweet unconsciousness... MMmmmm sleep sounds fantastic.
 
I sound alright
I seem alright
I act alright
...
don't fool yourself.
I'm never alright...
I'm just the
.Death...Of......Beau..ty............

Am I worth your while?

I try too hard
I set myself up for disappointment
Nothing I do works for you
I feel too stupid
I feel too smart
I feel too good
and not good enough.
I go in circles.
I blame my feelings on other things
I blame my doubt on PMS
(I blame the yelling on that too)
I never wonder why I'm always sick,

because I know it's because of stress
because it's too hard to lose something
once you finally get it back.
I'll never get that call..

sickly sings the
DeathOfBeauty...

you came back...

but how long will you stay?

Too Busy With Work To Write, So Here's A Cute Song! Woohoo..

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

Song: Be Be Your Love
Artist: Rachel Yamagata

I'm a busy lil
DeathOfBeauty.

I may be PMSing...

but the little things really do affect me all the time.

Meh, too tired to think.

I want to love youuu, PYT PRETTY YOUNG THING
BLAHBLAH TLC TENDER LVOE AND CARE
AND I'LLLLL TAKE YOU THEREE
HEE HEE (in MJ impersonation voice)

Into a restless sleep falls the
deathofBEAUTY,,,dlsfsofneblarggfasdcas

amidst the storms and cloudy minds...

a dove and olive branch appear through the fog.

The angel on my shoulder is running a little late...

eyes of steel
hearts of glass
bodies of straw and hay.
take me apart
and put me back together
and suddenly ill turn to gray.
im not sensitive, im just a pessimist
because it seems everything close
loves, leaves, and lies
im sleepwaking, calling your name
with arms wide open
grasping something out of my reach
and my dreams lead me into a new domain
where i live alone and empty
inside and out...

look in my eyes
my damn blue eyes
and tell me how i really feel

The More You Squeeze The More It Slips Away

stay together for the kids...
marriages never work out well.
I hate hearing them fight.
The don't know what it does to me.
Even after two years their harsh words pierce my ears and heart.

I guess it makes me who I am now, which isn't anything good...
I'm thankful for what I have,
I have everything I could want
(minus a functional family, but who has that nowadays?)

Only problem is that I hold on too tight.
I can't lose it again I can't lose it again
I apologize, but who can blame me?
Nobody, because I've lost the things I care about too many times,
forgive me for digging my grip into the only things that keep me safe.
But I'm still sorry, I'm always sorry.
Sorry to my closest friends
Sorry to my enemies
Sorry to the boy I love
Sorry to my family
Sorry to myself.
Sorry that ever post is sounding more and more like a suicide note.
Sorry that I'm always paranoid and depressed about things that even I cannot explain.
Sorry for my vividly wild imagination that causes the paranoia and assumptions
Sorry for my plastered smiles and "I'm alright... I guess" phrases
Sorry for wishful thinking and expecting too much from people who just can't seem to give it all to me.
Sorry for the late nights, hard fights, crying scenes and attempts to hurt myself...
Sorry for having trust issues and being the most emotional girl on the planet.
Sorry for writing this because I know there are people who have it worse off than I do
Sorry for being dramatic....

Sorry for being me, the
deathofbeauty...

hold on, one more time with feeling, try it again...

breathing's just a rhythm,
say it in your mind until,
you know that the words are right,
this is why we fight.
- One More Time With Feeling, Regina Spektor


The marks on my neck are HUGEEEE
This is the kind of abuse that I like haha.

I've never been truly sane,
I don't know why I have the people I have.... I've messed up so much I can't believe they've stuck around.
But I can't complain, they're pretty damn great. I wish I could say the same for myself though.

Ahhh, life's only good when you make it out to be.
Shame I'm the most pessimistic girl on the planet.
Always expecting the worst to come in situations....

It's only because it has happened before.

Pessimistically the
Dee Oh Beauty...<3?

my subconscious hates my guts.

I can barely breathe.
once again demons await me in dreams unimaginable.
and I'm sitting here
wondering
if that will ever happen.

It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
It's a neverending cycle, and on and on it will go.
It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want it to end.
It's a neverending cycle, please don't make it so.

My dreams are conspiring against me, putting thoughts and worse than worst case scenarios in my mind.
Tricking me, confusing me, killing me, and it's beginning to show.

So throughout my day, I'll continue to say under my breath

please no, please no, please no.

Completely Sick and Out Of Her Mind.
Death.Of.Beauty...

Comment if anyone even gives a shit anymore.

UGH

I'm so damn weak.
I don't know why I'm crying though.... the weight of the world just seems to be crashing down... and I can't seem to cope.

I had a different dream.... and I was so disgusted when I woke up.. I'm dreading falling asleep tonight...
I'm crying just thinking about that possibility..

Maybe the laptop will catch my tears and just electrocute me or something.
...Please?

drowning in dreams...

...and living in nightmares.

My mind scares the shit out of me,
trying to place fact and fabrication
and figuring out 'what if's and 'really's.
Maybe I'm pmsing, maybe I'm overreacting.
But when the paranoia sinks in,
I'm trapped.
...
Last night I had that dream,
and for the rest of the day I could barely breathe...
So tell me what I'm supposed to think
How I should react, say and feel.
It changes nothing, but the thought just irks me,
and eats at my core.

With nothing else to say, I'm the
Death.Of.Beauty. <3

P.S. FUCK CHEMISTRY