drowning in dreams...

...and living in nightmares.

My mind scares the shit out of me,
trying to place fact and fabrication
and figuring out 'what if's and 'really's.
Maybe I'm pmsing, maybe I'm overreacting.
But when the paranoia sinks in,
I'm trapped.
...
Last night I had that dream,
and for the rest of the day I could barely breathe...
So tell me what I'm supposed to think
How I should react, say and feel.
It changes nothing, but the thought just irks me,
and eats at my core.

With nothing else to say, I'm the
Death.Of.Beauty. <3

P.S. FUCK CHEMISTRY

Cruel To Be Young

By far that's my favourite quote on my wall.
Because it's just so true haha.

I can't write anymore, I don't know what's gotten into me.
But I'm not complaining.
For the first time I wear genuine smiles and bright eyes.
Holding tightly onto who I can, for as long as I am allowed.
I just hope that I never give them reason to let go.

Ech hopefully I can write later on tonight.
Blargggg
All that I have in mind to write about is that I'm crazily in love with my boyfriend.
But we've had our awkward moments this weekend.
I hope you read it ;)
LOVE YOU

I'm a HappyHappy
Death.Of.Beauty

ABehDeh

I hate being paranoid.
...
It's not new that I've got anxiety and paranoia.. kinda.
But now i'm more open about it.
I can't help it hah.

How do I cope?
I think in my head:

The harder you squeeze the more it slips away.

Deep Breath,
and I'll once again submerge myself in the icy waters

But once a cruel Facebook group about you is created,
you have every fucking right to hate the fucking world.

If it's not real

You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

-- DeathOfBeauty --

Things Are Lookng Up, Oh Finallyyy!!

I just got back from the Paramore concert.
And am in no position to write properly.
This very sentence took me 15 minutes.
...
One Word:

WOW

D.O.Beautyyy<3

Disregard...

...my previous post.
...
I hate to be in love with you.
But I am.


And when those autumn leaves fall from the trees
I'll laugh and crunch them under my chucks
feeling the crisp and crinkle
and hoping for the best.

...I'm Holding Out And Holding On
to what I hope is you.

Don't Let Down
the Death.Of.Beauty.

You know that I love you so...

...I love you enough to let you go.

When my evergreen tree matches the fall leaves,
I'll draw my line of love.
sweet kisses leave sour aftertastes
and emotions change like October leaves.
we're mixing seasons baby,
and winter's not my type,
and last time I checked...
flowers don't live through the blizzard.
warm hugs do nothing to ice hearts.
that's all you are, right?
Ice, Glass, Frozen, Solid, Stone.
cold, hard, fragile parts
and you just had to steal my heart.
I'm taking it all back now, and you think I won't last .

my heart is glasss but my mind is steel
you really are a gorilla playing with a flower.
I'll turn to you one last time,
"all I need to know is that I'm something
you will be missing."
And thats when my evergreen
turned the autumn shade.

. I'm Already Gone.

What if I started a band?...

and i can't sleep tonight
because i'm haunted by the memories
and the demons behind my eyelids tease and taunt
to rip apart the soul
i'm holding out and i'm holding on
and i pray you don't come crawling back anymore.

I'm feeling so nostalgic
could it be wevé been here once before
i feel it creeping up my spine
worry anxious all the time.

Calling from the abyss
I swear i've heard your voice before
i feel your name on the tip of my tongue
like a cool bullet on the barrel of a gun

you are my sweetest downfall...

Wow I kinda really like Regina Spektor.

I've decided that metal and screamo doesn't help with data management problems.... so my new friend suggested to me some Regina Spektor... and I love it.
I'm dying for a voice like hers.... like whoa
INTENSE

In other news... I'm bipolar... not actually but I go from happy STRAIGHT into anger/ depressed.
My exboyfriends reading this.... so I can't reveal anything to my blog anymore about how much I hate him and how pointless he is and how he means nothing to me... =O
What did she say?
Huh?
What?
Exactly ;D

Oh jeezus
must go.... ADD ATTACK
WILL WRITE MORE LATERRR

DEATHOFBEAUTY...!?
...may be on drugs ;P

...a daylight bulb, and a flick of my switch, i'm wrapped in my darkness...

It's weird
how in the middle of a crisis
I am calm and collected.
but when the weight of the world is lifted
and i finally have room to breathe
I collapse from stress and anxiety
too scared to be carefree
because i always anticipate
another disaster.

Our lives are surrounded by hurricanes.
We cannot just say that our life is a hurricane,
because we never have just ONE eye.
One calm moment in the middle of life
before and after an off-the-chart storm.
No, it's one hurricane after another.
We know it is, and we feel when they come and go.
And the eyes are just never big enough...
never long enough...
they never last, as much as you want them to.
And just when you've become comfortable...
here comes the storm to whisk you away.


Who Will You Be When The Storm Comes Around?
The one who creates a perfect heaven in the eye only to leave more depression when the storm strikes?
Or
The one who is too busy worrying in the eye to suffer the severity of the oncoming crisis?

I'll Just Be
The
                DeathOfBeauty              

pregnancy jokes stopped being funny about 3 weeks ago...

abandon ship!
i think i'm sinking..
i can't quite seem to stay afloat
i'm drifting in and out of reality and dream
they're binding me to their borders
the ultimate game of tug-o-war.
that's all it ever truly is: a game
a sick and twisted scheme at work.
you seesaw me to no ends,
a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs
and just when i am at my highest
you leave and knock me to the ground.
words flow through me; my special attack.
my once dagger glares have become cheap
thumbtacks and pinpricks
and my ever backstabbing friends
have just left a hole where it all used to be.
spineless and empty
i begin to drown
and can't quite seem to stay afloat
i think i'm sinking so.
i must indeed.
abandon ship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name...
I'd never lie to you

Unless I had to I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to I'll do what I got to,
The truth is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
 You Are SO Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday

I have sand in places that I never wanted sand to be...
I have the taste of an unfamiliar boy in my mouth...
I have a heart that won't be held by duct tape anymore...
I have an illness that's eating me from the inside...
I have a sober mind that is now feeling nostalgic and philosophical...
I have a blog with everything I hold dear to me...
I have a soul waiting to be exposed...
I have to be real...
I have to be me...
I have to just be...
the
.Death-Of-Beauty.

Shh...can you spill a secret?