you can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights...

...and get all the sighs and the moans just right

happy birthday to me
i'm lonely as can be
and although i am trying
you cant see smiling.
a birthday celebrates the day you were born...
i think it's just a hoax.
just another day to be congratulated by others who hardly care.
"oh its her birthday?...HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
*insert fake smile and gratitude*
my definition for a birthday
'you've made it through another year,
lets try not to fuck this next one up
congrats, you're alive to see the day you were born...again.
now lets question if that day was the birth of a mistake..'
oh well thats always nice *insert the sarcastic smile*
at the table with my family, my mother placed
16 candles on the candles, 15 and 1 for good luck.
('m gonna need that candle)
i was reminded of A Little Less Sixteen Candles,A Little More "Touch Me"
by falloutboy.
lets just say i was humming the line "why dont you just drop dead" for the rest of the night.
why am i in such a melancholic mood?
because this is the first year i've celebrated with a broken family,
this is the first year i've considered if this is worth it.
this is the first year i've come to a conclusion
that everything was a mistake

.sleeping on your folks porch again dreaming
she said, she said, she said, "why dont you just drop dead".

yayyyy fallout boy
and yayyy, i survived another year
lets see what i fuck up first!
my relationship
my social status
my friendship
my family (whoops already done)
or myself (...too late)
chose a song for my musical theatre audition
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia
or Kiss me by New Found Glory (originally by Sixpence None The Richer)
i have noo clue which one, and i also gotta do a monologue, fuckk
as for the Fuck Ups
ill let you know what happens first.

well cross my heart and hope to...

...so reckless, so, so thoughtless

just fall back
fall out
fall away
and fall back down again.
and don't think i'd ever get up again.
waking up with a hangover every morning isn't the way to go.
first instinct: i'm as sober as a fucking nun.
there's a reason god made headboards,
you wouldn't want dents in your walls.
i wake up saying TGIF hoping id be right.
insomnia has vanished, and i fucking hate it.
i live in fear of my bed suffocating me,
like that couch in The Bird And The Worm music video by The Used.
anywheres better then here.
i haven't had a dream in ages.
sadly enough i've lost all thought or care in this world.
its sad to have to hide behind a mask.
my friends have noticed,
(constantly thanking you god)
and i need to learn to actually show my anger and sadness.
you'll be the first to know if i finally snap.
last night, i heard the rain fall onto the glass windows.
last night, i fell asleep, and wanted to get up the next morning.
last night, i felt real.
last night, i had a dream.

.so careless, i could care less.

the ending was really "Martin Luther King Jr"-ish.
and at the moment, i have... 23 minutes of my birthday left.
that's right, i'm officially 15.
thank fucking god.
...i feel no different.
news? i'm auditioning for musical theatre.
my fingers are callused from guitar.
my life as we know it is gone.
and i'm in no mood for anything else.
goodnight to all, or have an awesome day.

i drowned out all my sense with...

...the sound of its beating

have you ever had the feeling
that when you fall too hard
and get back up again
you wish that you were back down again?
have you ever played
the hardest you've ever played
just for a worthless impression.
it's these cuts and bruises that remind me,
that nobody is perfect.
perfection is like the feeling of vertigo off the rooftops
its the fear that some people live with,
and it can drive you crazy.
the heartbeats you hear in your ears,
the in-and-out focus of your eyes,
the sweat of your face and palms.
this is me on a regular basis.
why you ask?
i have the fear of vertigo
i have the fears of imperfection.
sometimes being too unique can bring out the worst in people.
no self-esteem, no assurance, no hands to catch you when you fall, nobody.
why is perfection like the feeling of vertigo off the rooftops?
because sometimes, you just gotta suck it all up and take a jump.

.and that's what you get when you let your heart win.

the bolded is Thats What You Get by Paramore.
im overwhelmed with everything.
talks of moving and change.
well fuck it.
ill take any shoulder at this point.
but i fear leaning too hard.
i'm sick of being unique.

come on, a second chance at love...

....the moments dead

sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
because the best things in life are unseen.
well i guess that's why we close our eyes when we dream.
that's why we close our eyes when we kiss.
that's why darkness, is not a bad thing.
to achieve the impossible dream, i try sleeping.
its my own reality, or lack thereof.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of hitting something on the way out.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of missing whats right there in the open.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i just dont want to miss a thing.
i dont want to skip a moment, a beat, a cue.
i dont want to stay in my dream life,
because a life of dreams is not a world at all.
it's a state of ind, its just what you make it to be.
life is a joke, you have to make fun of it to make the best of it.
life is a battle, you have to fight to make it through the day.
life is planned out for us, and it's what you make it.
a dream life would be a wonderless life,
wheres the life in that?
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i would miss the life i left behind.
life is about making a choice, and making the best of it.
you only live once.
make it all count.

.make you feel like it's never ending.

well, hello there. this is my third journal entry for one of my classes, and i thought i'd put it in here.
enjoy, i'm outtie.

i got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder...

...whats a crush to do?

have you ever felt a feather fall onto your shoulder?
...i haven't.
and i'm thankful because i'm afraid of the weight of world.
crashing, crushing down again.
i have a knack for stupid decisions.
like i hold out the metal rod before a storm.
nobody is around, and its not like they'd care.
but i'm about to change.
the weather network is always wrong,
how do i prepare?
take a risk.
lucky i love the testosterone boys.
and this harlequin is dying to be real.
cloudy? have you brighten my day.
dance to this beat, hold me close.
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat, now i know it'll just be you.
teasing through the innings was worth it all in the end.

.exaggerate and tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-trick me.

and maybe next time i'll remember...

...not to tell you something stupid

i feel as though i'm not using my time wisely.
last night i saw my world implode.
painters paint on canvas,
musicians paint on silence.
i'm just the girl dying to tell a story.
to paint art on lined paper.
want to be my masterpiece?
my favourite accident?
be my off pitch note in my life solo.
my stroke outside the line.
we were accidentally made.
we can be "that" mistake.
made to break hearts,
oh those achy breaky hearts.
you made mine of stone, figures yours is hollow.
i call out for someone, but my voice drowns in airwaves.
trying to send a message back home, but which way do i turn?
be my favourite mistake.
be my home.

.like "i'll never leave your side".

i'm overjoyed.
a friend found my notebook after 2nd period on the desk, and opened the front page.
seeing that it was mine she held it for me. i am so freaking thankful.
i asked her if she read anything, and here's what she said
"um, no actually. i read the first page and i got kind of frightened. so i decided not to. ya know i respect your privacy ha."
the first page "A Fate Worse Than DEATH Befalls Anyone Who Reads This Unauthorized."
Ha i'm so witty.
well back on schedule. ill post tomorrow...possibly.
bye for now.

situations are irrelevant now...

...he loves the way that i tease

i'm painting the sky over
with the colours of love,loss,and loneliness.
i'd choose that over these grey days.
exaggerate and trick me,
you know i love the games.
care for and appreciate me,
you know i love the flaws.
you're the literal meaning of killjoy.
searching through my old memories,
written in a long lost diary.
i've wondered why the pages look years older than they seem.
new memories gone because of those who claim them as their own.
don't they have enough?
now the thoughts written in black ink, belong to someone else.
and yet again, another wonder...
tomorrow, will i remember today as a yesterday?
or will i never remember at all.

i bet that if Jack foresaw the sinking of the Titanic, he would still go aboard and die just to see Rose one last time and save her from herself.

Would You Save Me If You Knew I Was In Danger?

because i'm in over my head

.i love the way that he breathes.

i took the c-box off
this blog sucks because i lost my notebook.
everything i've ever written was in there.
and now i'm guessing someone else has it...
shit.. and now the secrets come out to some fucking stranger! shoot me now!
anyways, the bolded lyrics are Situations by Escape The Fate... sick ass band
and the italicized lines are something i made up in my notebook, i just happened to remember it. and its sent out to someone. he will remain anonymous.
it is now 12:50 a.m.... meaning 12 days until my 15th birthday.
hooray...why i'm not excited for it?
i'll let you know when i find the answer..

everyones a let down...

...it just depends on

LYRICS-Written By Death Of Beauty

bend your wrought iron heart
beats from you hurt me, you already know.
your words cut through me like swords
and i'm bleeding to you through this stereo.

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing, again
and all of this love that we have lost
and these petals of roses cry it.
this is the plucking of your heartstrings
like beat down guitars that chime "this...
is the end."

these audio waves are sent crashing
like your promise, i'm made to be broken.
like hearts and dreams i wished for in mossy old wells.
fuck these rhymes and chords, i'm sick of it.

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing again
and all of this love that we have lost
and these petals of roses cry it.
this is the plucking of your heartstrings
like beat down guitars that chime "this...
is the end."

this is the rush i've never felt
the adrenaline cascading in...
this is the voice to make you melt
feels like you're crashing again
this is the sound that pounding through your speakers
ill wash away everything you've dreamed
this is the voice that will make you stand above it all
and make nothing look as it seems

.how far down he can go.

well hello. long time no post.
or comments :) but whatever
you'd think that my blogs would be happy now due to recent events.
but this is something i've been writing for a bit and i just...don't know.
im confused again...g-d fucking dammit.
but yeah this is a song that i wrote.stopped.then started again.
and now i wanna create guitar tabs for me to use.
and maybe ill record it and post it up here.
well probably nobody reads this anymore (or ever read it)
so i'm feeling lame talking to myself.
hope schools good for all.
in the words of Cute Is What We Aim For "drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back"

make it all fall faster everyday...

if only time flew like a dove

we're the ones who chuck pennies in puddles
and wish upon satellites in the clouded sky.
what to wish for?
a second chance.
you are the trigger for my obsessions,
and you just pulled it.
requoting the old posts,
when i had been so naive...
"Avoid the dark, hidden voids of life or else you'll never see whats in the light"
yet the best things in life are hidden.
its just not me.
we had played Romeo&Juliet,
falling in love just to die.
together.
..why are you still there?

well god make it fly
faster than i'm falling in love

shit...well this cant be good now can it? heehee
in other news, i've managed to ruin my high school year in just 4 days.
new record!!! last time it took me about a month.
well hope everyone else is enjoying school.
in the words of OKGO....
"Here It Goes, Here It Goes, Here It Goes Again, Oh Here It Goes Again"

a new start, i've broken too many hearts...

...and i don't have any clue where to go...i don't know

i think i did it again.
crossing the barrier into no-mans-land,
and now isolated from civilization.
the new fashion is disaster,
and this is my first time starting the trend.
as they say with a new trend, you gotta walk it.
i carry heartbreak in my chest,
like a weight that crushes my bones with every stride.
thank god there are no mirrors here,
nobody wants to see a fake,
nobody wants to see a liar.
my secrets just push us farther away,
like the blinding light that hits us,
and we strike our opposite pose.
do the catwalk turn and i'll watch you as you walk away.
i cant keep up with you,
catch you if i can.
and as the lights dim, so does your silhouette.
i search and then i think: who.am.i.kidding?
why catch you when i cant even catch myself.
thank god there are no mirrors here,
i don't want to see a fake.

.but maybe i'll be back someday after my holiday.

i messed up a relationship... and im stressed about how the rest of the year will turn out...
screw this why dont i repeat last year? with emo as the understatement...
.i.just.want.to.be.real.enough.for.you.

Bored In History Class

walking down the same hall
meeting the same people
same places and faces...
yet i felt so different.


clones have multiplied,
and i seek refuge.
seeing others get lost,
in a place thats well, not so huge


the latest trend?
peroxide in your hair.
its enough to even give
the niners a scare.

falling asleep in class
has never looked so cool
but what the fuck do you expect
being in grade 10 at high school


umm i guess i should tune back in
the teachers giving me a weird look
only one option remains
hide my head under my text book

...so i was bored in history class and so i wrote a little poem over how the first day of school was yesterday...its crappy but i find it highly amusing. hope everyone had a great day at school!!

.Death.Of.Beauty.

just to let you know

IM SO FREAKIN SCARED FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW
HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!!!!

stupid school, stupid people, stupid popular kids who think they own the retarded SCHOOL! stupid clones...

well i hope whoever else reads this has a GREAT day at school. hopefully itll be better than mine...


buhbye!
.Death.Of.Beauty.

hope now, as i walk away...

...you're the one that finds me out

would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?
change your style, green isn't your colour.
your done up to the nines for a worthless impression.
you know that lies seethe through your smile.
the transparent smile.
fancy myself in makeup
just to have it slide down a pale face.
cascading tears that could flood a world of hopes,
and you're too busy to care.
i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me...
a hurt so deep there was no band aid to seal the wound
or no suture to ever stitch it shut.
can't you see why we're made for each other?
we're perfectly imperfect,
but in different ways.
the difference?
i make it look good.
cascading tears that could flood a world of hopes,
they wont fall tonight.
would you believe me if i said i didn't need you?
you should...

.run from the only thing left that i hold close.