living in a world
dark
dreary
empty
and i live alone
and i watch the snow fall
and i walk along the icy ground
and i feel the leaves crisp and crinkle beneath me.
i know what it's like to be stepped on.
everyone always leaves my side.
nature can be my only true friend
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
200th Post
yoohoo
whoopie
congratz to me
i'm thinking of writing my life story
or my life, starting from whenever i get my meds.
i need an antidepressant.
this is getting ridiculous
i don't want to feel
POST TWO HUNDRED
and i couldn't feel any worse.
but
oh i get by with a little help from my friends
i try with a little help from my friends
i'm now gonna get high with a little help from my friends
huh nevermind...this is 201, still congrats to me
whoopie
congratz to me
i'm thinking of writing my life story
or my life, starting from whenever i get my meds.
i need an antidepressant.
this is getting ridiculous
i don't want to feel
POST TWO HUNDRED
and i couldn't feel any worse.
but
oh i get by with a little help from my friends
i try with a little help from my friends
i'm now gonna get high with a little help from my friends
huh nevermind...this is 201, still congrats to me
let's keep the washroom incident our little secret
I wish every night at 11:11 p.m.
I remember loving it when i was young
The careless days.
I wish every night at 11:11 p.m.
I know wishes don't come true,
but it's always nice to
make believe
make believe that everything's going to be okay
make believe that I'll survive 2009
make believe that I won't soon be a ghost
a figment
of your imagination
don't tell a soul
but I held a razorblade in my hand for 10 minutes
before promising myself
that I will not allow my wrists
to shed a tear
that I will not allow him to win
...
then again,
if I do not want him to win
why do I feel like giving up
Death.......ofbeauty.
I remember loving it when i was young
The careless days.
I wish every night at 11:11 p.m.
I know wishes don't come true,
but it's always nice to
make believe
make believe that everything's going to be okay
make believe that I'll survive 2009
make believe that I won't soon be a ghost
a figment
of your imagination
don't tell a soul
but I held a razorblade in my hand for 10 minutes
before promising myself
that I will not allow my wrists
to shed a tear
that I will not allow him to win
...
then again,
if I do not want him to win
why do I feel like giving up
Death.......ofbeauty.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Haiku for your Thoughts
here I sit, black, blue
familiar I admit
could have been much worse
i strum the guitar
thousands of these melodies
they ring through my ears
the tide has picked up
as i drown in my caged thoughts
pulled under the tide
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Balancing On A Pebble
A very good friend of mine sends this to me whenever I've been knocked off my feet. His good friend wrote this story of zen and wisdom, and I'm always so inspired by it
Two disciples were training together by the shore of a sea. Each was attempting to balance themselves on a very small pebble. Neither was gaining much success, and for quite some time neither was able to balance upon the pebble for longer than two minutes. Eventually, one of the disciples began to handle the task quite skillfully. For almost half an hour he managed to stay upon the pebble before losing his concentration and falling flat on his bottom. Out of frustration the disciple threw the pebble into the sea. “This is ridiculous,” he exclaimed, “what can we possibly learn from doing this?”The other disciple, who had just fallen again, said calmly as he stood up, “If you fall, rise back up, and prepare yourself for another fall.”
Two disciples were training together by the shore of a sea. Each was attempting to balance themselves on a very small pebble. Neither was gaining much success, and for quite some time neither was able to balance upon the pebble for longer than two minutes. Eventually, one of the disciples began to handle the task quite skillfully. For almost half an hour he managed to stay upon the pebble before losing his concentration and falling flat on his bottom. Out of frustration the disciple threw the pebble into the sea. “This is ridiculous,” he exclaimed, “what can we possibly learn from doing this?”The other disciple, who had just fallen again, said calmly as he stood up, “If you fall, rise back up, and prepare yourself for another fall.”
Saturday, January 17, 2009
5 months and maybe no longer counting
how does it feel to be C
left in a crowd to be G
stepped on now watch out A
the clocks almost run out G
of time, as we slip C
we wonder how it could end G
how we sat and just smiled to pretend A
wonder if i could still call you a friend G-A
i gave it all , gave it all to you D G C Em
but you let me down, nothing left to do D G C Em
but to reminisce, and think "what if?" D. D.
but remember this, every time you fall G. G.
the part i hate to miss most of all is you D G C Em
i hate to miss loving you PAUSE C
what would you do if i C
broke all the rules G
and told you i fell in love with you G
would you pull away
and forget everything i'd ever say
and never again come my way
or would you stay?
i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you
our awkward first dance
our silly romance
and the times you smiled my way
you tickle i bite
our first and last fight
the biggest mistake you ever made
i wish you'd hold me in your arms
and told me it would all be okay
i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you
left in a crowd to be G
stepped on now watch out A
the clocks almost run out G
of time, as we slip C
we wonder how it could end G
how we sat and just smiled to pretend A
wonder if i could still call you a friend G-A
i gave it all , gave it all to you D G C Em
but you let me down, nothing left to do D G C Em
but to reminisce, and think "what if?" D. D.
but remember this, every time you fall G. G.
the part i hate to miss most of all is you D G C Em
i hate to miss loving you PAUSE C
what would you do if i C
broke all the rules G
and told you i fell in love with you G
would you pull away
and forget everything i'd ever say
and never again come my way
or would you stay?
i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you
our awkward first dance
our silly romance
and the times you smiled my way
you tickle i bite
our first and last fight
the biggest mistake you ever made
i wish you'd hold me in your arms
and told me it would all be okay
i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you
i have four letters, and i bring people both pleasure AND pain... what am i?
love.
lovelovelove.
it sucks.
when the boy you might be in love with
begins to push you away.
my phones been acting weird
too much water damage.
i hurt so much i feel like cutting
i've been crying since
"this only weekends thing is getting on my nerves"
and it hasn't stopped.
i have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve
i wear it like a bruise or black eye.
i only get dumped by the ones i love the most.
twice in a row can do things to a girl.
how do you cope with the inevitable future
when there's absolutely nothing
that can stop it
from hurting.
.on.the.edge.and.leaning.over.
she's the .death.of.beautyy.
lovelovelove.
it sucks.
when the boy you might be in love with
begins to push you away.
my phones been acting weird
too much water damage.
i hurt so much i feel like cutting
i've been crying since
"this only weekends thing is getting on my nerves"
and it hasn't stopped.
i have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve
i wear it like a bruise or black eye.
i only get dumped by the ones i love the most.
twice in a row can do things to a girl.
how do you cope with the inevitable future
when there's absolutely nothing
that can stop it
from hurting.
.on.the.edge.and.leaning.over.
she's the .death.of.beautyy.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
and if you ran away, i'd still wave goodbye watching you shine bright...
woke up knowing
this will be a bad day
sorry if i don't seem at my best
i'm weak and heavy in the chest
stressed depressed distressed obsessed confessed at best
"i hate it so much it makes me rhyme"
i'm a little engine that couldn't,
but it's not like i ever thought i could.
moving at the speed of light
hearts race and shatter into oblivion
and two collide,collide,collide.
dead before you hit the floor.
woke up later that evening knowing
this was a bad day.
i don't seem at my best
i'm weak in the chest
and depressed, i confess.
my head throbs and spasms again
"alone in this bed, house and head"
and heaters do nothing
i'm cold as snow.
feeling as i did the day my heart died
so long ago
and i'm hurting so.
no bothering with this anymore
i'm so upset i'm not writing my life story
i'd pick out the bad parts
i'm a girl in a glass room
soundproof
on the outside looking in
and i'm so glad
you never tune in to this anymore
this will be a bad day
sorry if i don't seem at my best
i'm weak and heavy in the chest
stressed depressed distressed obsessed confessed at best
"i hate it so much it makes me rhyme"
i'm a little engine that couldn't,
but it's not like i ever thought i could.
moving at the speed of light
hearts race and shatter into oblivion
and two collide,collide,collide.
dead before you hit the floor.
woke up later that evening knowing
this was a bad day.
i don't seem at my best
i'm weak in the chest
and depressed, i confess.
my head throbs and spasms again
"alone in this bed, house and head"
and heaters do nothing
i'm cold as snow.
feeling as i did the day my heart died
so long ago
and i'm hurting so.
no bothering with this anymore
i'm so upset i'm not writing my life story
i'd pick out the bad parts
i'm a girl in a glass room
soundproof
on the outside looking in
and i'm so glad
you never tune in to this anymore
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
writing shorter posts because i seem to forget everything nowadays
saturday,sunday,tuesday.
3 times.
3 excuses.
in 4 days.
and a few reasons why i'm beginning to lose hope.
asthma attacks seem to top off a day.
weekends looking down on me
and i can't help but be upset.
blehh, fuck emotions
it messes with the mind
...
signing off for now
.Smile.Nod.Pretend.
justlikethe
DeatthhofBeauttyy
3 times.
3 excuses.
in 4 days.
and a few reasons why i'm beginning to lose hope.
asthma attacks seem to top off a day.
weekends looking down on me
and i can't help but be upset.
blehh, fuck emotions
it messes with the mind
...
signing off for now
.Smile.Nod.Pretend.
justlikethe
DeatthhofBeauttyy
the little engine that could...
just fell off its tracks.
i spin and collide into nothingness
trapped in a box
with the one way soundproof glass
screams and cries echo and send me spinning
spin spin collide
into nothing
shattered and torn.
what a tortured soul
how do you know you're broken
when you're too numb to feel?
trapped in a box
and i decide to recount my stories
trapped in a box
and i decide to regret my past
trapped in a box
and i decide bare it all.
i'm baring all
i'm losing faith
and my train just fell off its tracks.
final words?
i thought i could i thought i could i thought i could i thought...
i spin and collide into nothingness
trapped in a box
with the one way soundproof glass
screams and cries echo and send me spinning
spin spin collide
into nothing
shattered and torn.
what a tortured soul
how do you know you're broken
when you're too numb to feel?
trapped in a box
and i decide to recount my stories
trapped in a box
and i decide to regret my past
trapped in a box
and i decide bare it all.
i'm baring all
i'm losing faith
and my train just fell off its tracks.
final words?
i thought i could i thought i could i thought i could i thought...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
and VOILA!
fuck I did real good this time
tell me what you all think!
but now my brain is functioning on HTML codes
and to go off topic a little bit... I really like the singer Lights
I only knew Drive My Soul
but half of her album I know... from fucking commercials
you know you watch too much tv when... haha!
Sing , the last thing on your mind
The last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
The last thing on your mind
Cause i don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
One disaster less
-The Last Thing On Your Mind
by Lights
tell me what you all think!
but now my brain is functioning on HTML codes
and to go off topic a little bit... I really like the singer Lights
I only knew Drive My Soul
but half of her album I know... from fucking commercials
you know you watch too much tv when... haha!
Sing , the last thing on your mind
The last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
The last thing on your mind
Cause i don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
One disaster less
-The Last Thing On Your Mind
by Lights
Makeover
Going to give this blog a well deserved makeover today
Don't mind the random html codes you might see here and there
I will be experimenting backgrounds so pardon me if it looks like shit for a little while
Thanks for your cooperation,
Hopefully it'll look nice haha
ComputerDesigner (haha i wish)
.deatH.Of.beauTy..
Don't mind the random html codes you might see here and there
I will be experimenting backgrounds so pardon me if it looks like shit for a little while
Thanks for your cooperation,
Hopefully it'll look nice haha
ComputerDesigner (haha i wish)
.deatH.Of.beauTy..
when your past comes back to haunt you (literally)
my heart is more glass than rock
be careful with it
be gentle
my heart is more glass than rock
but you can't see right through me
and i break a sweat with you miles away
and i wake with fear hoping you're not by my side
and i feel alive when inches from death
i cannot breathe it seems i am
drowning drowning
oh it gets me so down down down down
and down goes the
.death.of.beauty.
be careful with it
be gentle
my heart is more glass than rock
but you can't see right through me
and i break a sweat with you miles away
and i wake with fear hoping you're not by my side
and i feel alive when inches from death
i cannot breathe it seems i am
drowning drowning
oh it gets me so down down down down
and down goes the
.death.of.beauty.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
i hate that i cry and you don't know it
wishing on an imploding star
wanting my shoulder to be a phone call away.
a stroke of the hair can make the world stop
a hug and a whisper of reassurance
could mean the world to a girl.
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes can come true, wishes can come true.
listening for a car to possibly pull up
in this snowy, empty driveway.
nobodys home anyway.
drive on over, be my shoulder and
surprise me
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes will come true, wishes will come true.
i replace my shoulder for a pillow
and it seems to rain on the cases here...
spin cycle and reused by the dozens
but who's really counting?
sucks when texting and msn can't tell
if emoticons are real and who's really LOLing
and if blogposts are overexaggerations or how one really feels
if my life is really this messed
my mind anyways
rambler never ceases to amaze
ramblerambledone.
i'll talk to you
you go be oblivious
i'll have a nice cry
and go to sleep
.rewritten over and over by.
Death Of Beauty
wanting my shoulder to be a phone call away.
a stroke of the hair can make the world stop
a hug and a whisper of reassurance
could mean the world to a girl.
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes can come true, wishes can come true.
listening for a car to possibly pull up
in this snowy, empty driveway.
nobodys home anyway.
drive on over, be my shoulder and
surprise me
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes will come true, wishes will come true.
i replace my shoulder for a pillow
and it seems to rain on the cases here...
spin cycle and reused by the dozens
but who's really counting?
sucks when texting and msn can't tell
if emoticons are real and who's really LOLing
and if blogposts are overexaggerations or how one really feels
if my life is really this messed
my mind anyways
rambler never ceases to amaze
ramblerambledone.
i'll talk to you
you go be oblivious
i'll have a nice cry
and go to sleep
.rewritten over and over by.
Death Of Beauty
Sunday, January 4, 2009
and we're on to year numba TWO!
looking back on 2008
what a shitty year
it's amazing how much i regret the months before i met him
it's amazing how much it brightened my life
it's amazing how much i look back on those old times where i thought i was happy
when i thought i found "the one"
what bullshit
letmerantletmerant
rant rant rant
rabble rabble rabble
i am SO not looking forward to school
crraappppp
going to florida: sadness
not seeing him for over 3 weeks: major sadness
making up for lost time on NewYears: completely worth the wait
what a shitty year
it's amazing how much i regret the months before i met him
it's amazing how much it brightened my life
it's amazing how much i look back on those old times where i thought i was happy
when i thought i found "the one"
what bullshit
letmerantletmerant
rant rant rant
rabble rabble rabble
i am SO not looking forward to school
crraappppp
going to florida: sadness
not seeing him for over 3 weeks: major sadness
making up for lost time on NewYears: completely worth the wait
Saturday, January 3, 2009
dont tell me if i'm dying because i don't want to know...
...don't wake me because i'm dreaming of angels on the moon
i wish i could relate to the Paramore song title
For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
because ya know what? i'm not...
new year. new problems.
i'm in no mood for change
spending nights staring at my ceiling
wondering when he'll finally clue in.
spending days staring into space
wondering what would become of me
if my life never turned upside down.
new year.new problems.
when is it right for change?
on a sunny day you can peek through the fog
and see into my mind
just a pacer, a thinker,
and never ending thoughts of 'buts' and 'what ifs'.
old year. old problems.
out of sight
out of mind
i don't think i want to change a thing...do i?
.where everyone you know never leaves too soon.
bolded lyrics and title is Angels On The Moon by Thriving Ivory
Happy New Year
only 3 years until 2012
Nostradamus... the apocalypse... end of ze world
haha joking, i don't believe that stuff...
or do i?
it's 3am now, i'm fuckin TIRED
goodnight to all...
i wish i could relate to the Paramore song title
For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
because ya know what? i'm not...
new year. new problems.
i'm in no mood for change
spending nights staring at my ceiling
wondering when he'll finally clue in.
spending days staring into space
wondering what would become of me
if my life never turned upside down.
new year.new problems.
when is it right for change?
on a sunny day you can peek through the fog
and see into my mind
just a pacer, a thinker,
and never ending thoughts of 'buts' and 'what ifs'.
old year. old problems.
out of sight
out of mind
i don't think i want to change a thing...do i?
.where everyone you know never leaves too soon.
bolded lyrics and title is Angels On The Moon by Thriving Ivory
Happy New Year
only 3 years until 2012
Nostradamus... the apocalypse... end of ze world
haha joking, i don't believe that stuff...
or do i?
it's 3am now, i'm fuckin TIRED
goodnight to all...
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