Going into the new decade...

Unsure of how loved I really am.
Scared of what's to come.
Falling way too deep.
Filled with hopes and wishes.
With dreams tangled up in you.
With everything I've ever known
being questioned and re-evaluated.

Going into 2010...
scared shitless.

But before the ball drops,
I will finalize my year
in every way I can.

No matter what,
I will have a clean slate, a fresh beginning.
Single or taken,
with friends or enemies,
with goals
and absolutely
NO
regrets.

See you in the new year...
with a whole new outlook.

Sincerely,
The Death Of Beauty

Darth Vader is so badass...

...need I say anymore?

Thank God

It's the break
I am sofa king excited
All is well in life
I really hope the people I have are here to stay
... at least for as long as they can stay.
But why fear the future
when you can enjoy the present =D

HAPPY HOLIDAYS
from
la Mort.De.Beauté


;]

I told her...

she thought I was joking.

worst case scenarios and worse.

Question:  What happens when a poor unfortunate soul realizes she may have some serious emotional issues?

Answer: You'd think she would get some medical help right? Unfortunately my mom assumes I fake every illness possible in order to save her own broke ass from paying for sessions. So I don't think I'll tell her...
So instead, I'll probably start pushing people away like I always do. I never really want to do it, but I live in fear of peoples reactions towards me. What am I to them? A freak, a psycho, a lost cause, a loser? I've tried to pretend all these years that I'm not the most sensitive girl in the world, but turns out I am. In he next few dsays, or even tonight, I might get a concerned call from the only friend who reads this. The other one who used to read it doesn't give much interest anymore I don't think, if he did he would have said or done something about it a long time ago. The night I needed someone to calm me down, nobody had their phones. But yea, the realization hit me last night, as I was crying in my head about things that could happen despite everything that's been said to me. Worst case scenarios and worse. My head moved from one thing to the next: divorce, love, fake, sex, lies, cheating, death, friends, heartache... and a bit more of divorce. I think that's how it all started, the divorce. I should have agreed when my mom suggested seeing someone to help ease the pain, I thought I was stronger. Nobody was home except my siblings, my mom still believes she's 24 with her fat asshole of a boyfriend (Does that shmuck perspire mayonaisse? Ugh hate him). So I pulled on my boots and light sweater and walked to the park at 2 in the morning. I actually laid down onn the bench and silently hoped I'd freeze to death. Or maybe for someone to kill me. I saw a PostSecret that said "Sometimes I wish I would die of tragic consequences, because if I died old, nobody will remember me for me." I'm scared that I agreed. I'm also scared when I envision my friends growing up to be what they want to be. Teachers, lawyers, doctors, historians, I picture it all. I don't see a future for myself when I look into the mirror... that also frightens me. I also compare my relationship to others (I know, it's so wrong and I hate doing it) and I.... Anyways I was back home by 3, and found comfort in the only thing that made me smile late that night: my bed and the Night Before Christmas DVD. I think I fell asleep during Kidnap Mister Sandy Claws... but I'm not too sure. I wake up, and unfortunately I checked my phone to see if he messaged at all. I'm weirded out. And frightened. I'm always frightened. Frightened, Scared, Afraid, Alone. All the same to me. And I consider doing stupid things before bedtime. Wow jesusss this is like my life confessions. Gotta stop. And don't bother calling, it's all said here I have nothing more to say.

A Merry Weekend To All.
-deathofbeauty

Dying for something new

I want to keep life interesting...
if there's nothing interesting about life, what's the point in living it?
But if there's nobody with me to help keep things interesting,
then I think I hit a bit of a road block.

Trying to find a way to get my points across to ya,
but I'm stumbling over my words and it just comes out
as smiles and sunshines and stupid sayings that I cover up as jokes.

I don't know why everyone's asking me if I'm alright.
I don't walk around the halls with a frown and slashed wrists.
For fucks sake I'm a seventeen year old teenage girl
forgive me for being bitchy at times
and while I'm ranting
forgive me for not caring about what you think.
about how I dress, how I do my hair, how my teeth look, my occasional lack of makeup, the music I listen to, etc.
Fuuuuuck Youuuuu.

aaaannnnddddd thhattt is all.
Dee Oh Bee

It's not like I consider suicide...

...but I always wonder
what would happen if one day,
I just disappeared from everyones lives.
Or
if I never existed,
how that would affect the people who I was closest with.

How would everyone react?
Would they be different if I had been in their lives?
I go through possible scenarios but that doesn't seem to do me any good,
since my self-esteem isn't too high to begin with.
I doubt I've changed the lives of people
though if I have,
I'm sure someone else would have been there to do it if I was never around.

Procrastinating my extra chemistry studying
woke up today unable to lift my head.
The pounding and throbbing were growing with every attempt to wake the fuck up.
My first migraine.
And for the first time in a while
I remembered my dream...
nightmare...
what you will.

When you get used to analyzing every bit of the world around you,
you begin to analyze yourself, and make relations to things you would never even consider relating yourself to beforehand.
And once you drive yourself crazy,
you're pretty much
the
Death Of Beauty    / <-- strike one

Soooo...

all you do is subtract blue from purple
and you get RED!

My lovely other half is a smartypants all right ;D

This is funny

Words A Woman Says and The REAL Meaning

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it’s an even trade.

Nothing - This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”.

Go Ahead - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

Go Ahead (Neutral Expression) - This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”.

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”


This made me LOL big time because it's trueeeee!!!
At least it is with me in most cases
 
 
Blarg okay I'm just finishing up helping my friend out with her Literature Review (which suck balls BTW) and then I'll drift into sweet unconsciousness... MMmmmm sleep sounds fantastic.
 
I sound alright
I seem alright
I act alright
...
don't fool yourself.
I'm never alright...
I'm just the
.Death...Of......Beau..ty............

Am I worth your while?

I try too hard
I set myself up for disappointment
Nothing I do works for you
I feel too stupid
I feel too smart
I feel too good
and not good enough.
I go in circles.
I blame my feelings on other things
I blame my doubt on PMS
(I blame the yelling on that too)
I never wonder why I'm always sick,

because I know it's because of stress
because it's too hard to lose something
once you finally get it back.
I'll never get that call..

sickly sings the
DeathOfBeauty...

you came back...

but how long will you stay?

Too Busy With Work To Write, So Here's A Cute Song! Woohoo..

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

Song: Be Be Your Love
Artist: Rachel Yamagata

I'm a busy lil
DeathOfBeauty.

I may be PMSing...

but the little things really do affect me all the time.

Meh, too tired to think.

I want to love youuu, PYT PRETTY YOUNG THING
BLAHBLAH TLC TENDER LVOE AND CARE
AND I'LLLLL TAKE YOU THEREE
HEE HEE (in MJ impersonation voice)

Into a restless sleep falls the
deathofBEAUTY,,,dlsfsofneblarggfasdcas

amidst the storms and cloudy minds...

a dove and olive branch appear through the fog.

The angel on my shoulder is running a little late...

eyes of steel
hearts of glass
bodies of straw and hay.
take me apart
and put me back together
and suddenly ill turn to gray.
im not sensitive, im just a pessimist
because it seems everything close
loves, leaves, and lies
im sleepwaking, calling your name
with arms wide open
grasping something out of my reach
and my dreams lead me into a new domain
where i live alone and empty
inside and out...

look in my eyes
my damn blue eyes
and tell me how i really feel

The More You Squeeze The More It Slips Away

stay together for the kids...
marriages never work out well.
I hate hearing them fight.
The don't know what it does to me.
Even after two years their harsh words pierce my ears and heart.

I guess it makes me who I am now, which isn't anything good...
I'm thankful for what I have,
I have everything I could want
(minus a functional family, but who has that nowadays?)

Only problem is that I hold on too tight.
I can't lose it again I can't lose it again
I apologize, but who can blame me?
Nobody, because I've lost the things I care about too many times,
forgive me for digging my grip into the only things that keep me safe.
But I'm still sorry, I'm always sorry.
Sorry to my closest friends
Sorry to my enemies
Sorry to the boy I love
Sorry to my family
Sorry to myself.
Sorry that ever post is sounding more and more like a suicide note.
Sorry that I'm always paranoid and depressed about things that even I cannot explain.
Sorry for my vividly wild imagination that causes the paranoia and assumptions
Sorry for my plastered smiles and "I'm alright... I guess" phrases
Sorry for wishful thinking and expecting too much from people who just can't seem to give it all to me.
Sorry for the late nights, hard fights, crying scenes and attempts to hurt myself...
Sorry for having trust issues and being the most emotional girl on the planet.
Sorry for writing this because I know there are people who have it worse off than I do
Sorry for being dramatic....

Sorry for being me, the
deathofbeauty...

hold on, one more time with feeling, try it again...

breathing's just a rhythm,
say it in your mind until,
you know that the words are right,
this is why we fight.
- One More Time With Feeling, Regina Spektor


The marks on my neck are HUGEEEE
This is the kind of abuse that I like haha.

I've never been truly sane,
I don't know why I have the people I have.... I've messed up so much I can't believe they've stuck around.
But I can't complain, they're pretty damn great. I wish I could say the same for myself though.

Ahhh, life's only good when you make it out to be.
Shame I'm the most pessimistic girl on the planet.
Always expecting the worst to come in situations....

It's only because it has happened before.

Pessimistically the
Dee Oh Beauty...<3?

my subconscious hates my guts.

I can barely breathe.
once again demons await me in dreams unimaginable.
and I'm sitting here
wondering
if that will ever happen.

It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
It's a neverending cycle, and on and on it will go.
It's a neverending cycle, and I don't want it to end.
It's a neverending cycle, please don't make it so.

My dreams are conspiring against me, putting thoughts and worse than worst case scenarios in my mind.
Tricking me, confusing me, killing me, and it's beginning to show.

So throughout my day, I'll continue to say under my breath

please no, please no, please no.

Completely Sick and Out Of Her Mind.
Death.Of.Beauty...

Comment if anyone even gives a shit anymore.

UGH

I'm so damn weak.
I don't know why I'm crying though.... the weight of the world just seems to be crashing down... and I can't seem to cope.

I had a different dream.... and I was so disgusted when I woke up.. I'm dreading falling asleep tonight...
I'm crying just thinking about that possibility..

Maybe the laptop will catch my tears and just electrocute me or something.
...Please?

drowning in dreams...

...and living in nightmares.

My mind scares the shit out of me,
trying to place fact and fabrication
and figuring out 'what if's and 'really's.
Maybe I'm pmsing, maybe I'm overreacting.
But when the paranoia sinks in,
I'm trapped.
...
Last night I had that dream,
and for the rest of the day I could barely breathe...
So tell me what I'm supposed to think
How I should react, say and feel.
It changes nothing, but the thought just irks me,
and eats at my core.

With nothing else to say, I'm the
Death.Of.Beauty. <3

P.S. FUCK CHEMISTRY

Cruel To Be Young

By far that's my favourite quote on my wall.
Because it's just so true haha.

I can't write anymore, I don't know what's gotten into me.
But I'm not complaining.
For the first time I wear genuine smiles and bright eyes.
Holding tightly onto who I can, for as long as I am allowed.
I just hope that I never give them reason to let go.

Ech hopefully I can write later on tonight.
Blargggg
All that I have in mind to write about is that I'm crazily in love with my boyfriend.
But we've had our awkward moments this weekend.
I hope you read it ;)
LOVE YOU

I'm a HappyHappy
Death.Of.Beauty

ABehDeh

I hate being paranoid.
...
It's not new that I've got anxiety and paranoia.. kinda.
But now i'm more open about it.
I can't help it hah.

How do I cope?
I think in my head:

The harder you squeeze the more it slips away.

Deep Breath,
and I'll once again submerge myself in the icy waters

But once a cruel Facebook group about you is created,
you have every fucking right to hate the fucking world.

If it's not real

You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

-- DeathOfBeauty --

Things Are Lookng Up, Oh Finallyyy!!

I just got back from the Paramore concert.
And am in no position to write properly.
This very sentence took me 15 minutes.
...
One Word:

WOW

D.O.Beautyyy<3

Disregard...

...my previous post.
...
I hate to be in love with you.
But I am.


And when those autumn leaves fall from the trees
I'll laugh and crunch them under my chucks
feeling the crisp and crinkle
and hoping for the best.

...I'm Holding Out And Holding On
to what I hope is you.

Don't Let Down
the Death.Of.Beauty.

You know that I love you so...

...I love you enough to let you go.

When my evergreen tree matches the fall leaves,
I'll draw my line of love.
sweet kisses leave sour aftertastes
and emotions change like October leaves.
we're mixing seasons baby,
and winter's not my type,
and last time I checked...
flowers don't live through the blizzard.
warm hugs do nothing to ice hearts.
that's all you are, right?
Ice, Glass, Frozen, Solid, Stone.
cold, hard, fragile parts
and you just had to steal my heart.
I'm taking it all back now, and you think I won't last .

my heart is glasss but my mind is steel
you really are a gorilla playing with a flower.
I'll turn to you one last time,
"all I need to know is that I'm something
you will be missing."
And thats when my evergreen
turned the autumn shade.

. I'm Already Gone.

What if I started a band?...

and i can't sleep tonight
because i'm haunted by the memories
and the demons behind my eyelids tease and taunt
to rip apart the soul
i'm holding out and i'm holding on
and i pray you don't come crawling back anymore.

I'm feeling so nostalgic
could it be wevé been here once before
i feel it creeping up my spine
worry anxious all the time.

Calling from the abyss
I swear i've heard your voice before
i feel your name on the tip of my tongue
like a cool bullet on the barrel of a gun

you are my sweetest downfall...

Wow I kinda really like Regina Spektor.

I've decided that metal and screamo doesn't help with data management problems.... so my new friend suggested to me some Regina Spektor... and I love it.
I'm dying for a voice like hers.... like whoa
INTENSE

In other news... I'm bipolar... not actually but I go from happy STRAIGHT into anger/ depressed.
My exboyfriends reading this.... so I can't reveal anything to my blog anymore about how much I hate him and how pointless he is and how he means nothing to me... =O
What did she say?
Huh?
What?
Exactly ;D

Oh jeezus
must go.... ADD ATTACK
WILL WRITE MORE LATERRR

DEATHOFBEAUTY...!?
...may be on drugs ;P

...a daylight bulb, and a flick of my switch, i'm wrapped in my darkness...

It's weird
how in the middle of a crisis
I am calm and collected.
but when the weight of the world is lifted
and i finally have room to breathe
I collapse from stress and anxiety
too scared to be carefree
because i always anticipate
another disaster.

Our lives are surrounded by hurricanes.
We cannot just say that our life is a hurricane,
because we never have just ONE eye.
One calm moment in the middle of life
before and after an off-the-chart storm.
No, it's one hurricane after another.
We know it is, and we feel when they come and go.
And the eyes are just never big enough...
never long enough...
they never last, as much as you want them to.
And just when you've become comfortable...
here comes the storm to whisk you away.


Who Will You Be When The Storm Comes Around?
The one who creates a perfect heaven in the eye only to leave more depression when the storm strikes?
Or
The one who is too busy worrying in the eye to suffer the severity of the oncoming crisis?

I'll Just Be
The
                DeathOfBeauty              

pregnancy jokes stopped being funny about 3 weeks ago...

abandon ship!
i think i'm sinking..
i can't quite seem to stay afloat
i'm drifting in and out of reality and dream
they're binding me to their borders
the ultimate game of tug-o-war.
that's all it ever truly is: a game
a sick and twisted scheme at work.
you seesaw me to no ends,
a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs
and just when i am at my highest
you leave and knock me to the ground.
words flow through me; my special attack.
my once dagger glares have become cheap
thumbtacks and pinpricks
and my ever backstabbing friends
have just left a hole where it all used to be.
spineless and empty
i begin to drown
and can't quite seem to stay afloat
i think i'm sinking so.
i must indeed.
abandon ship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name...
I'd never lie to you

Unless I had to I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to I'll do what I got to,
The truth is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
 You Are SO Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday

I have sand in places that I never wanted sand to be...
I have the taste of an unfamiliar boy in my mouth...
I have a heart that won't be held by duct tape anymore...
I have an illness that's eating me from the inside...
I have a sober mind that is now feeling nostalgic and philosophical...
I have a blog with everything I hold dear to me...
I have a soul waiting to be exposed...
I have to be real...
I have to be me...
I have to just be...
the
.Death-Of-Beauty.

Shh...can you spill a secret?

SIckSickSick...

Mmmmm coincidentally listening to Queens Of The Stone Age
...
I've been getting sick a lot lately... don't know why. Couldn't even enjoy The Planet Smashers and Creepshow as much as I wanted to.
The fact that my exboyfriend was there and this was kinda like the show we saw on Valentines Day didn't help either. I'm trying to be friends... but when a couple breaks up and the feelings are still there (one-sided of course) it's hard not to glare and feel hurt.
Especially since he followed me out of the show... when I clearly was trying to escape this sick and twisted deja vu.

Iatrophobia...
Fear Of Doctors. That's what I have. My curse..
Fuck I don't even think I'm pronouncing that properly.... hahah oh well
(my pronunciation... Yatrophobia)


Silence your harsh words my dear,
My ears ringing of this,
I can't stop thinking of it.

Ohh texts from the exboyfriend...
Why does everyone think I'm pregnant....? LOL

Young Love

A Story, Fictitious In Ways But Nontheless Based On A True Story I Suppose. I Actually Wrote This In May, Before Everything Actually Happened, For My Writers Craft Class And Got A 90%, So It Left Out The Pregnancy Scare And The Real Way Things Ended Up.

But Yea.... Here You Have It

I can still remember the overpowering scent of his Diesel cologne as he embraced me that summer day. Clad in his black chained jeans and Bad Religion t-shirt he had meandered over to my side of the field, his typical half smirk- half smile. With a grin, I hugged him back, and added a small peck on the cheek. We pulled apart, and I gave him a look up and down; his unkempt wavy brown hair went in every direction possible, his eyes a sparkling blue, and his clothing damp and dirty. I shook my head with amusement and sighed, “Long day at work?”
He laughed. “You have no idea.” He wrapped a sweaty arm around me and we started walking down the field to the nearest bus stop. “So Livy,” he began, “How was your day at Hell Camp?” I giggled and just heaved an overly dramatic sigh, leaning against his shoulder as if I was ready to collapse. I did not have to say anything else.
Over the summer I was working at a day camp in Markham, which was almost an hour away from downtown Toronto camp where Travis was working. We had not been able to see each other in over two weeks, but I had taken a personal day off in order to surprise him before he got on his bus ride home. He had always referred to my camp as Hell Camp because other than the fact that it was a gruelling hot summer that year, it was because of my parents that I was not allowed to return to Travis' camp, and was forced to work as the music specialist at an isolated campus far from the boy I, unfortunately, had been crazy about.
We arrived at Travis' house just before the cloudy sky had begun to darken. Nothing had changed from the last time I was there; his mother was reading a new novel with one of their cats at her side, his father was seldom upstairs so I had assumed him to be in his office and his sister was in her room listening to music. I had let myself into his room to drop off my bags and sweater, and came back out in my faded red tank top, denim shorts and my plaid Converse high-top shoes. He too dropped off his bags and straightened himself out a little bit before he grabbed my hand and led me outside.
We had walked around his neighbourhood, laughing and joking before we reached our destination: an old park and playground. Ever since Travis and I had discovered that park in the beginning of our relationship, it had become our place, our domain, a place for ourselves. I can remember all of our past conversations, about the past, the present, the future, and whatever we could branch off from those topics. We once found a tire swing in the middle of the woods, in a small opening before the dirt path led to the ravine. It was there that I told him that I loved him. A couple days after that, we laid in the grassy field and stared up into the starry night sky, and it was there where he told me he loved me too.
Travis and I raced to the highest tower of the jungle gym, Travis obviously winning. “I'm the king of the world!” he exclaimed loudly, throwing his fists up in the air like a crazed primate, causing myself to burst into a fit of laughter.
In an effort to make me laugh until my face turned blue, he proceeded to fall down the slide in the most informal manner and swung back and forth on the monkey bars ravenously before a slip of the hand caused him to fall down into the playground sand. By then I was in hysterics, and he walked over to where I was sitting and took a seat beside me.
I slowly regained my composure and ended off my laughing fit with a sigh and a smile, and I then looked up at Travis. He seemed out of breath, but did not want to show it to avoid the topic of how unfit he was. I did not mean to say that he was unfit, he was very fit for an nonathletic teenager, but it was always fun to tease him. But nonetheless, he kept a smile and proceeded to hug me tightly.
“I love you Olivia Sykes, you know that right?” he asked me with a small kiss.
I pretended to think about it, before chuckling and kissing him back eagerly. I pulled back an inch, “and I love you too Travis Barks, more than anything!” He grinned widely and kissed me passionately.
We pulled apart and he stared into my hazel eyes, while his piercing blues held an emotion I could not decipher. “Promise me something?” he asked me quietly.
I nodded in reply. He sighed and continued, “Promise me that no matter what we go through, no matter what happens in the future, you will always remember that I love you.”
------------

I can still recall the final argument. Between the I love you's and the I miss you's was a longing for a closer bond and a lust that could not quite be quenched. After two years of being in complete love, bliss and obliviousness, monogamy did not seem to be an option anymore. His brown hair stood up more than usual from the constant running of his fingers through the locks. He paced back and forth in my room, at a loss of what to say next. I simply sat on the end of my mattress, watching him with emotionless eyes. I did not know before, but there was a secret that Travis had kept from me since the sixth month of our relationship, and it would crush me for a very long time in the future.
“Olivia it's been so long and we both haven't explored other realms of life,” he paused to see if I made any reaction or any movement at all before continuing, “I mean, think about it Liv! We're only eighteen! We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and with university coming up we will be even further apart than we were before.” He stopped once more, allowing him to gather his thoughts and allowing me to digest what was taking place. “Olivia, I love you. I love you so much that I am letting you go. We are strong, but not strong enough to withstand the distance between us.” He added in quietly, “unless you really want to wait three years for me,” but it was out of my earshot at the time.
I took in a deep breath. “You can not possibly tell me all this and expect it to be okay after you sugarcoat it with your 'I love you's.' Travis it's been over two years, and we've been dealing with this distance the entire time. Besides, you told me you were going to take a year off before university, and--”
“-- Olivia it's not only the distance. It is something that I have been thinking about for a while and my parents don't think a relationship is a good idea and you have to under-- ”
“--Ugh, Travis cut it out with the excuses!” I shouted at him, the anger built inside finally breaking through the surface. “There's something you are not telling me. Why are you not telling me, I mean, if it has anything to do with me, or with another girl, or something you know I can handle it... I mean, I'll be upset no doubt but don't lie to me Travis that's the one thing I cannot take! And...” I was beginning to ramble, which was normal for me when I was anxious, nervous, or on the verge of a breakdown. Travis had stopped pacing halfway through his own rant and was staring out my bedroom window.
"I'm leaving Liv," he finally exhaled, causing me to stop and stare. "Yea, I'm leaving. Halfway across the world... for a while."
I was in disbelief. "Travis what do you mean? You can't leave... I just can't... where?" I could feel my heart beating out of my chest wishing I could take back those words, in fear of his answer.
He sighed, "The army Olivia...  I have to get on a plane to Israel in a few days and I just couldn't find the words or the nerve to tell you! Please don't be like this Livy you know I love you. But I know you-"
"-What," I cut in, "could you possibly know about me right now Travis. How long have you known about this?! When did you know that this was that you wanted to do?" I unwillingly began moving my feet forward, inching closer and closer to him with every painful beat; beats that began to make rhythm with falling tears that I had not been aware of til then.
He mumbled quietly, "six months," and I had heard enough.
"You need to leave." My eyes glazed over. If my heart were pounding any harder I would've had broken ribs. He stared at me with scared eyes. I was sure that he had never seen me this angry; then again I do not think I have ever been that angry before.
"Liv please-"
"Out."
"Can you just wait one-"
"Travis Barks I want you OUT of my house!!" I returned to reality and willed my body against him, using everything I had to get him out the door. Reluctantly, he did not do anything. He didn't block my punching attempts, or grab my hands or embrace me, he simply allowed me to push him out the door.
------------

Days had passed, and I had barricaded myself in my room. I didn't know what day it was, nor did I know the time. Pictures, or pieces of them, were scattered along the hardwood floor. I hadn't showed in days. I hadn't eaten or drank anything but water. I barely slept, and when I did I'd return to my old nightmares, where I would drown and Travis would laugh on the sidelines. It echoed in my ears as I remembered with a shudder. I blared Underoath and The Creepshow, though I could no longer bare listening to "The Garden" as well as "Hero Of War" by Rise Against. All the little things that reminded me of him became poison. Nothing had made sense anymore, and I was unaware of anything occurring around me. The only thing that I was aware of, was the boy that sat at my front porch every day, his head in his hands and his feet tapping to a song in his head.
He looked up at my window every now and then, at least that's what I think he did. I caught him looking there whenever curiosity got the better of me, and I peeked through the blinds. One day, my mother let him into the house to try to talk some sense into me. My door was jammed with a desk and a drawer.
"Olivia, talk to me. I know you want to." I could hear the sadness in his voice. I did not reply. "Do you remember that time in the park, when we made the promise. No matter what we go through, Olivia... No. Matter.What. I will always love you, and I know you will always love me. Please Liv don't do this to yourself. Don't this to me." I could hear him choking up with every word. He banged on the door for the last time, and walked away. That was the last time I heard his voice.
On that cold rainy afternoon after that summer day, I had finally opened that door to reveal nothing but a crimson rose and a note of three simple words, “Remember my promise.”
------------
I return to the reality of the small cafe that I am sitting in, Gone with the Wind still at page 243 as it has been for the past 20 minutes. My cappuccino is no longer heated, but still drinkable, so I take my first sip as the door to the cafe opens, releasing a small “ding” from the bell over the entrance. I look up with a small smile, and am given a feeling of deja vu. In walks a man, about 24 years of age with clean cut brown hair and dressed in a simple blue long sleeved shirt and denim blue jeans. He notices me, and with a half smirk- half smile he casually wanders over to take the seat across from me. Wringing my fingers together, I inhale the familiar scent of Diesel cologne.

That's The Life And Times Of  The
Death.of.Beauty

My once favourite rose has now become the thorn in my side...

... in that one spot on my back that I can't seem to reach.

Speaking of which....
What do I do with those three dried roses on my windowsill.
An irritating reminder of the so-called 'love and promises'

Ahhh I'm adoring my wall collage in my room.
Just some thumbtacks and I'm ready to start my real wonder
This is where creativity is key.
Printing off pictures with band members,
old poems off this blog,
and just overall memories.
So exciteddd =D

Look at my previous post for what I've got so far.
Oh who am I kidding, my hiatus lost me all my readers hahaha.

Peace out
Dee.Oh.Bee

I don't know about you...

But if I start randomly crying while putting up a wall collage
I'd be scared for my well-being.
I don't know, I think I've finally been hit with the realization
that everyone I love
has left.
Even the guy I've loved for years won't talk to me because of my one mistake.
Whatever...
On the plus side though...

 My wall is coming along swimmingly!!!

Of course, my memories section is only beginning....

Why not start off with a bang?

Memories are memories... no matter how painful they become over time.

Lovely Jack Skellington bracelet from the Loveable-Aggressive-Perverted-Geeky-Athlete Boy of my Survival of my Fittest series

and the Chanel bracelet from the Too-Good-To-Be-True Boy of my Survival of my Fittest series

GottaLoveMe...The
DEATH.of.BeautY?!
sdohdasbcuibsadf ;D

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce...

...I wish.
I'm just a footnote in someone else's life story
A mere pawn in his game of chess
A notch on his bedpost
A check off his list
A mark on his tally
and anything else of the sort.

But unfortunately for him, I'm a survivor.
I'm ahead of the game.
I'm biting back
because
Big Girls Don't Cry
They Get Nasty
They Get Vicious
They Get Vengeful
They Get Malicious
and most of all...
They Get Even.

You can call me
the backbiting,
the sassy,
the astonishing
.Death.Of.Beauty.

NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT ;D

you mean the world to nothing...

... and i feel bad for "nothing"

Why the hell is a baby goat the new BlackBerry commercial mascot..

Kiss me then kill me,
I see your games,
Years of torture,
Drowning the flames.
But I'll hold my head high
Won't back down from you
And you'll break down
Like I know you do

I know you do
I know you do
do do do...

Tell your former self that I say "hey"
And the new you,
"Fuck you for the misery
that you put me through
I envy you
and you know
love's only skin deep to you
so i'll let you go

WORK IN PROGRESS
wtf am i saying these days?

Life...

...is waiting for me.

It's like I said,
in a post earlier called "who tends to pretend that he's concerned..."
"every friend has an end
but were you ever a friend of mine?"
Well of course you were a friend, until you stopped wanting to be.

Lolll summers been a mix of Shit and Ecstacy
I mean, it starts with Warped Tour and Camp and all that
Then proceeding to mid July where I break out into the Single Ladies dance
whoa-Oh-OH! Hahhh what a breakup (there's the shit/ecstacy mix)
Then proceeded to the end of July where I party like HELL and encounter old friends and enemies and encounter some new friends and enemies.
And old enemies becoming new friends hahaha
And here I sit, after a nice day of hanging with friends and roasting marshmellows in the backyard
WHATTA SUMMER!!

Started my life story yesterday
it's looking great
it's a bit fictitious of course.... I'm not THAT interesting

PeaceOUT
Death>OF>BeautyBIIATTCCHHH!!!

breaking down...

...is always easy.
But so hard accepting.
You feel weak, and pathetic and insecure.
Now,
I am incapable of breaking down.
It seems I've cried myself dry...
...
But it doesn't mean I can't lash out at the people I seem to love.
So I can show him and myself how miserable I am.

I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ANYMORE
It's just a rant.
It seems like everyones leaving
- The guy I love...or loved... whatever he wants me to feel.
- my best friend who just left for British Columbia... and the last time I saw her was on a stretcher at the Warped Tour
- my other best friend who had run away from home, but she came back so meh hah...
- my friends who made new ones at work

Blahhh life doesn't seem to be
looking up for the
Death....ofbeauty.

why

are you still following this blog even after i'm gone...?

don't make it harder than it has to be...

can i please scream in your ear? i want to prove my point

oh, she's wandering around
drinking in the sweet scent of life
don't bother looking down
rather watch her time pass her by

there she goes
that sad and torn soul
there she goes
with no one to help her

she's wandering around
with her heart on her sleeves.
with nowhere to go
she drags along memories and dreams
nowhere to go
that sad and torn soul
got nothing but time left to face
hoping there's so much more to live for in this place

it's hard to hide such a mess

wishing in one hand
crapping in my other
which one fills first?

Man my life's quite a handful these days

talk to me

so i know i'm not alone in this world


...i lied to you
so you can leave me
because you can do so much better
than me...

and now he knows...

That I'll always love him
What he meant to me
That I cried over him (after we hung up)
That I'd still die for him
Which songs were about him
My shattered hopes for our future
That I was always jealous of his girl friends
That I've always been a bit too emotional when he's gone
How angry he used made me
How unconditionally in love I am with him
That I found home in his arms
That he was my first best friend
That he was my crying shoulder
That when I broke down he put me back together... only to break me down again!
How soothing his presence was to me
That keeping our possible 'mistake' sometimes sounds like a good idea... so I can always keep you
That I loved waking up with him beside me
How much I miss him now that he's gone...
And he knows that he misses me too.
...Because I'm actually gone....

He reads this.
You know you saved my life.
Yet you're now killing me.
I'm attached to you.
Whys that a bad thing?
You're leaving, I understand that.
So why end something that was good?
Why?
Because you can't handle commitment.
Because you can't handle attachment and love.
Because you can't handle the fact that someone might love you enough to let you go in the end.
Because you can't handle someone like me.

Someone like the
.DeathOfBeauty.

The Boy Test aka "Survival Of The Fittest"

My lab was restored. By what, you ask?
The old potion... the aggressive potion. The vial that sent me to the emergency only one year ago. Fixed me, and lifted me up once more. This happened April 11, 2009, and I simply have forgotten to log it. Thinking it would be wise to give it another shot, I mixed the vial with what was left of my chemical mixture. And so the colour changed to a smooth, simple reddish-pink.
A Love Potion.

I had found it. The one. The only. My personal alpha and omega. I fell in love. I still am in love. I think I may always be in love with him, his vial. Him. There were so many risks involved, and it literally pains me to say it, but I don't think I can ever find someone like him again.

Unfortunately, it would soon come to an end. The Love Potion is not permanent, and can only last for another year before they ship his mixture away for war and army purposes.
Three.
Three years. He's in the army for three FUCKING years.
And still my love for him won't fade. As much as his will, mine will not. Unfortunately to this relationship there are severe repercussions. Every once in a while it would fade to a jealousy green, and every so often, it would become a dark aggressive red. But love is love, and we must deal with the obstacles that come in between.

But since he is going away soon, he wants to move away from my mixture. Live free and lose all morals. Become more involved with other random vials in the lab. Leaving me heartbroken and empty.

As of now, the vial is red.
A question for anyone who cares:

How Can You Be In Love With Someone When You Also Want To Play The Field And Live Free Before Leaving Forever?

you send me spinning...

...and i'm ready to cut guitar strings
be my noose
be my razor
be my cliff
be that
bullet in my chest
that pounding softly as you
curve your index finger
hug it close
like you hugged me
once before you decided to leave
now it's all a big facade
a big charade
and nothing left
but i feel the same
.
inches from death but i feel alive
for the first time
and you're a cool criminal
stole that piece of me
that's once called a heart.
hide the evidence
hide the evidence
hide it fast
before
it gets too dark

And he will never know...

How much I love him
What he means to me
That I cry over him
That I'd die for him
Which songs are about him
When I think about him
How much I talk about him
My hopes for our future
My secret fantasies
That I'm always a jealous one
That I'm always a bit too emotional when he's gone
How angry he sometimes makes me
How unconditionally in love I am with him
That I find home in his arms
That he's my first best friend
That he's my crying shoulder
That when I broke down he put me back together
How soothing his presence is to me
That sometimes I wish for a 'mistake' so I can keep a piece of him here
That I love waking up with him beside me
How much I'll miss him
when he leaves...
Everything that will help me to remember the good times.
Everything that will help me to remember that he cares too.

And he won't know
that he will miss me too.

...Until I'm actually gone....

I guess in a way ZG saved my life.
In so many ways...

If he reads this though, I guess it'll be part of his plane letter when he leaves me.
Love him never in sight, but
Forever and Ever in Heart and Mind <3

Love Makes Fools Of Us All...
Even The
.Death.Of.Beauty.

my void is my flaw is my weakness

i tell myself to sit tight
i'm in for a hell-driven ride
3 chances too many
please don't make me regret it
don't you go now
don't you go now
i have nothing else to say
the voids between my posts
are as open as the void in the center of my life
i'm still looking for my filling
...will you fill my void?
VOIDS
the worldwide space between us in a year
the roads between us now
the men and women between our hearts
the spaces between our outreached hands
....
FILL THE VOID

wasted words over past demons

i hope they haunt your dreams...

and if i believed in god
i'd pray you
don't
come
cr a w l i n g
back to me.

i'm wishing on some fading stars
that the deceit was just a figment
of my obscure imagination
running wild on impulse.
maybe i'll fuck myself up today

I'm full of artificial sweetener
My heart's been deceitful
It's all artificial sweetener
I'm faking I love you's
You're forcing me to
Artificial Sweetener- No Doubt

Can't wait for the comeback.
I'll watch from the sidelines
secretly wishing for a spotlight of my very own


STAND AND DELIVER
your money or your knife...

...a wink and a nod...

As a final closure to rid myself of my past demons

I burned a hole of a smiley face
into the birthday card you gave me last year
before ripping it up into 16 rainbow pieces
and burning them into ashes.

on the plus side, I'm back

The Boy Test aka "Survival of The Fittest"

I’ve gone too far to come back here. But here I stand. Alone. In a cold lab where are that is left are the remnants of the solute. The poor red solute composed of me and all that is me. I designed this chemistry lab at birth, thinking to one day create a match. My match. And to one day finally shut it down, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Completion, and simple, sweet bliss. But here I stand. Alone. And the shards are everywhere. What happened what happened what happened…what happened you ask? When two solutions become mixed into one, it could leave some nasty side effects. I guess the too-good-to-be-true potion was really too good to be true. It was impossible. How could I have been so naïve… SO BLIND?! After the solution had met mine it became a light purple, and slowly grew into a deep red. Good reaction? Indeed it was. Four months of studies and tests, I decided to take the risk. So, hoping for the best, I drank the solution. The cool drink chilled the spine and after a month of the solution in my system, I knew that the test had failed…
…
Failure. Such an intense word. Chills me to the bone. And straight to the point: I had failed. Such a harsh way to describe this but it’s unfortunately true.
...
Side effects had included depression, loss of appetite, and complete distrust in any other being. And that was it for me.
...
I’m here. Alone. And the lab chair lay on the floor. The lab chair. Which was used to destroy my works. Everything. It’s all gone. On the floor here it lays and I had sat there wondering why I had ever risked it. Never have I ever been one to take a chance before being 100% sure. Testing the depths before swimming too deep. The plunge. The fall. The leap of faith…. Or what you will. And I’m just some torn soul dying for another chance. Chances are meant to be taken and with more research I can finally get back on my feet again.
What? Epiphany? Bah. It’s really too good to be true, and would I be ready? The Survival of my Fittest will be the death of me, and it’ll take time for me to cope.
Can I Do It?

A Sense of Belonging

the chipped wood is smooth against my bare feet.
the black metal gate creaks melodies,
while the ducks join in harmony.
i stand facing the old elms and pines
giving off the autumn glow
as the sun sets behind me.
i grip the stair rail as i watch the water;
a relaxed, rippling, invitation in blue.
the reflection of the sun on the surface
is like a thousand camera flashes all at once.
blinding but craving.
stepping down, i inch towards the pool side.
the smell of chlorine makes the invite so much more tempting.
the ducks have resumed their qualms and elegance
above and below the surface.
the flowers and the old bumblebee tree
neatly line the left side of the waters.
closing my eyes, i dip my toes.
relief washing over me like a high tide.
the scent of burning charcoal overpowering my senses.
i am snapped back into realization.
i am home.

What Am I?

i am just that irritable itch
in the one unreachable region of your back.
the chill running up and down your spine.
the wind that gives you goosebumps
making your hair stand on end.
i am the drowsy pill that's slowly kicking in,
the drugs you can't ignore.
i am the eyes that peer through the shadows.
the voice you think you hear
whispers of "you know you miss me."
i am the cramp in your leg,
the "pins and needles" in your feet.
i am your loose shirt thread.
the wrinkle in your forehead.
i am your misplaced curl.
the eyelash in your eye,
to make your eyes water
pick me up and wish me away.
i am the missed,
the missing,
the lived, loved, and the lost.
i am dreams.
i am reality.
i am the flaw.

hush, you colour my eyes red...

...your loves not live it's dead

keeping a close eye on what i want
but all my focus on the one thing i cannot have.
it's hard to say i miss you.
so i don't.
body language is a powerful thing
and my now baggy jeans say it all.
my failed attempts
at ridding myself of this hurt.
my intentional papercuts.
my hollowed eyes.
facial features becoming more vibrant.
pale skin against crimson lips
and the empty blue eyes lined in darkness.
just because i have found someone new,
does not mean i cannot forget the old.

.this letter has written itself inside out again.

this drama sat shotgun...

...my eyes rained like autumn



it feels like i've failed at healing

when i intentionally paper cut myself

and just watch it ooze out from inside of me.

crimson tears

i let my arms cry



.i'll tell you just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.
compliments of Make-Up Smeared Eyes by Automatic LoveLetter

i wish i was that fox in my yard...

living in a world
dark
dreary
empty
and i live alone
and i watch the snow fall
and i walk along the icy ground
and i feel the leaves crisp and crinkle beneath me.
i know what it's like to be stepped on.
everyone always leaves my side.
nature can be my only true friend

and i can't sleep tonight
because i'm haunted by the memories
and the demons behind my eyelids
tease and taunt
to rip apart the soul


"i'm holding out and i'm holding on
to every letter and every song"
-Fall Out Boy

200th Post

yoohoo
whoopie
congratz to me
i'm thinking of writing my life story
or my life, starting from whenever i get my meds.
i need an antidepressant.
this is getting ridiculous
i don't want to feel
POST TWO HUNDRED
and i couldn't feel any worse.

but
oh i get by with a little help from my friends
i try with a little help from my friends
i'm now gonna get high with a little help from my friends

huh nevermind...this is 201, still congrats to me

let's keep the washroom incident our little secret

I wish every night at 11:11 p.m.
I remember loving it when i was young
The careless days.
I wish every night at 11:11 p.m.
I know wishes don't come true,
but it's always nice to
make believe
make believe that everything's going to be okay
make believe that I'll survive 2009
make believe that I won't soon be a ghost
a figment
of your imagination

don't tell a soul
but I held a razorblade in my hand for 10 minutes
before promising myself
that I will not allow my wrists
to shed a tear
that I will not allow him to win


...
then again,
if I do not want him to win
why do I feel like giving up

Death.......ofbeauty.

Haiku for your Thoughts

here I sit, black, blue

familiar I admit

could have been much worse

i strum the guitar

thousands of these melodies

they ring through my ears

the tide has picked up

as i drown in my caged thoughts

pulled under the tide

Knives
Scissors
Razorblades
and a few more of my favourite things

Balancing On A Pebble

A very good friend of mine sends this to me whenever I've been knocked off my feet. His good friend wrote this story of zen and wisdom, and I'm always so inspired by it

Two disciples were training together by the shore of a sea. Each was attempting to balance themselves on a very small pebble. Neither was gaining much success, and for quite some time neither was able to balance upon the pebble for longer than two minutes. Eventually, one of the disciples began to handle the task quite skillfully. For almost half an hour he managed to stay upon the pebble before losing his concentration and falling flat on his bottom. Out of frustration the disciple threw the pebble into the sea. “This is ridiculous,” he exclaimed, “what can we possibly learn from doing this?”The other disciple, who had just fallen again, said calmly as he stood up, “If you fall, rise back up, and prepare yourself for another fall.”

i guess i can't blame him for how i'm feeling
he didn't know that i was dealing
with some form of depression
that started two weeks before the "talk".
i'm just curious if it would have really made a difference

5 months and maybe no longer counting

how does it feel to be C
left in a crowd to be G
stepped on now watch out A
the clocks almost run out G
of time, as we slip C
we wonder how it could end G
how we sat and just smiled to pretend A
wonder if i could still call you a friend G-A

i gave it all , gave it all to you D G C Em
but you let me down, nothing left to do D G C Em
but to reminisce, and think "what if?" D. D.
but remember this, every time you fall G. G.
the part i hate to miss most of all is you D G C Em
i hate to miss loving you PAUSE C

what would you do if i C
broke all the rules G
and told you i fell in love with you G
would you pull away
and forget everything i'd ever say
and never again come my way
or would you stay?

i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you

our awkward first dance
our silly romance
and the times you smiled my way
you tickle i bite
our first and last fight
the biggest mistake you ever made
i wish you'd hold me in your arms
and told me it would all be okay

i gave it all, gave it all to you
but you let me down, nothing left to do
but to reminisce, and think "what if?"
but remember this, every time you fall
the part i hate to miss most of all is you
i hate to miss loving you

i have four letters, and i bring people both pleasure AND pain... what am i?

love.
lovelovelove.
it sucks.
when the boy you might be in love with
begins to push you away.
my phones been acting weird
too much water damage.
i hurt so much i feel like cutting
i've been crying since
"this only weekends thing is getting on my nerves"
and it hasn't stopped.
i have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve
i wear it like a bruise or black eye.
i only get dumped by the ones i love the most.
twice in a row can do things to a girl.
how do you cope with the inevitable future
when there's absolutely nothing
that can stop it
from hurting.

.on.the.edge.and.leaning.over.
she's the .death.of.beautyy.

my heads as cluttered as my room

an overflowing closet of secrets and thoughts kept inside

a merry-go-round

and if you ran away, i'd still wave goodbye watching you shine bright...

woke up knowing
this will be a bad day
sorry if i don't seem at my best
i'm weak and heavy in the chest
stressed depressed distressed obsessed confessed at best
"i hate it so much it makes me rhyme"
i'm a little engine that couldn't,
but it's not like i ever thought i could.
moving at the speed of light
hearts race and shatter into oblivion
and two collide,collide,collide.
dead before you hit the floor.
woke up later that evening knowing
this was a bad day.
i don't seem at my best
i'm weak in the chest
and depressed, i confess.
my head throbs and spasms again
"alone in this bed, house and head"
and heaters do nothing
i'm cold as snow.
feeling as i did the day my heart died
so long ago
and i'm hurting so.

no bothering with this anymore
i'm so upset i'm not writing my life story
i'd pick out the bad parts
i'm a girl in a glass room
soundproof
on the outside looking in
and i'm so glad
you never tune in to this anymore

writing shorter posts because i seem to forget everything nowadays

saturday,sunday,tuesday.
3 times.
3 excuses.
in 4 days.
and a few reasons why i'm beginning to lose hope.
asthma attacks seem to top off a day.
weekends looking down on me
and i can't help but be upset.
blehh, fuck emotions
it messes with the mind
...
signing off for now

.Smile.Nod.Pretend.
justlikethe
DeatthhofBeauttyy

the little engine that could...

just fell off its tracks.

i spin and collide into nothingness
trapped in a box
with the one way soundproof glass
screams and cries echo and send me spinning
spin spin collide
into nothing
shattered and torn.
what a tortured soul
how do you know you're broken
when you're too numb to feel?
trapped in a box
and i decide to recount my stories
trapped in a box
and i decide to regret my past
trapped in a box
and i decide bare it all.
i'm baring all
i'm losing faith
and my train just fell off its tracks.

final words?
i thought i could i thought i could i thought i could i thought...

cross my heart

and hope to die

and VOILA!

fuck I did real good this time
tell me what you all think!
but now my brain is functioning on HTML codes
and to go off topic a little bit... I really like the singer Lights
I only knew Drive My Soul
but half of her album I know... from fucking commercials
you know you watch too much tv when... haha!

Sing , the last thing on your mind
The last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
The last thing on your mind
Cause i don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
One disaster less
-The Last Thing On Your Mind
by Lights

Makeover

Going to give this blog a well deserved makeover today
Don't mind the random html codes you might see here and there
I will be experimenting backgrounds so pardon me if it looks like shit for a little while
Thanks for your cooperation,
Hopefully it'll look nice haha

ComputerDesigner (haha i wish)
.deatH.Of.beauTy..

when your past comes back to haunt you (literally)

my heart is more glass than rock
be careful with it
be gentle
my heart is more glass than rock
but you can't see right through me
and i break a sweat with you miles away
and i wake with fear hoping you're not by my side
and i feel alive when inches from death
i cannot breathe it seems i am
drowning drowning

oh it gets me so down down down down

and down goes the
.death.of.beauty.

10:15 p.m. -11:00 p.m.
...
uh huh

i hate that i cry and you don't know it

wishing on an imploding star
wanting my shoulder to be a phone call away.
a stroke of the hair can make the world stop
a hug and a whisper of reassurance
could mean the world to a girl.
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes can come true, wishes can come true.
listening for a car to possibly pull up
in this snowy, empty driveway.
nobodys home anyway.
drive on over, be my shoulder and
surprise me
i hug my pillow wishing on an imploding star
wishes will come true, wishes will come true.
i replace my shoulder for a pillow
and it seems to rain on the cases here...
spin cycle and reused by the dozens
but who's really counting?
sucks when texting and msn can't tell
if emoticons are real and who's really LOLing
and if blogposts are overexaggerations or how one really feels
if my life is really this messed
my mind anyways
rambler never ceases to amaze
ramblerambledone.
i'll talk to you
you go be oblivious
i'll have a nice cry
and go to sleep

.rewritten over and over by.
Death Of Beauty

and we're on to year numba TWO!

looking back on 2008
what a shitty year
it's amazing how much i regret the months before i met him
it's amazing how much it brightened my life
it's amazing how much i look back on those old times where i thought i was happy
when i thought i found "the one"
what bullshit
letmerantletmerant
rant rant rant
rabble rabble rabble
i am SO not looking forward to school
crraappppp
going to florida: sadness
not seeing him for over 3 weeks: major sadness
making up for lost time on NewYears: completely worth the wait

dont tell me if i'm dying because i don't want to know...

...don't wake me because i'm dreaming of angels on the moon

i wish i could relate to the Paramore song title
For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
because ya know what? i'm not...
new year. new problems.
i'm in no mood for change
spending nights staring at my ceiling
wondering when he'll finally clue in.
spending days staring into space
wondering what would become of me
if my life never turned upside down.
new year.new problems.
when is it right for change?
on a sunny day you can peek through the fog
and see into my mind
just a pacer, a thinker,
and never ending thoughts of 'buts' and 'what ifs'.
old year. old problems.
out of sight
out of mind
i don't think i want to change a thing...do i?

.where everyone you know never leaves too soon.
bolded lyrics and title is Angels On The Moon by Thriving Ivory
Happy New Year
only 3 years until 2012
Nostradamus... the apocalypse... end of ze world
haha joking, i don't believe that stuff...
or do i?
it's 3am now, i'm fuckin TIRED
goodnight to all...