i dont wanna be the one, only overjoyed

and i can't imagine feeling this.
this lump in my throat.
this desire to breathe.
this skipped heartbeat
that'll be dearly missed.
i begin to reach out
for whats not in my reach.
and my tongue starts dancing
for that unforgettable taste.

I'M NOT MADE OF STEEEELLL

i'd give any day to walk in someone elses shoes
preferably someone from toronto
if i had a nickel for every time i thought about home
i'd be a fuckin millionaire

so far away
so long to wait
and i don't want to waste another second here

Missing Home
Missing My Friends
Missing You
I think I might have lliieedd....

this is the .Ddeath.Oof.Bbeauty.

nothing is reall...

i'm in florida.
i'm in the United States...
and the more miles we put between
the more i hate to miss.
i miss it all.
i'm chewing nails like a piece of gum
and playing a game of tug-o-war with my own hair.
seeing palm trees wishing they were covered with snow
wishing the pool was for skating not swimming
its amazing how human i've become.
so human that it hurts
i love, i lose, i feel, i fear
i miss, i mope, i sin, i tear
and all these things all add up
and i end up missing the most.
and the more miles we put between
the more i hate to miss!

[living is easy with eyes closed and misunderstanding all you see
let me take you down because i'm going to
strawberry fields.... forever]
--beatles

So.Far.Away... I Stand As The
DeathhOffBeautyy

she ricochets! and you dont notice...

spin collide and crash and burn
watch her swirl watch her swirl
like every other teenage girl.
waiting by the phone.
waiting for shining armour.
waiting for her miracle.
for the ringing that'll never grace the ears
words she wishes she just might hear.
for her eyes to sparkle and twinkle wide
when he says "i'll never leave your side"
for a whiff of his shirt, a sniff of cologne
and a little plea, "please don't leave me alone."
for the special dinners in fancy clothes
and gracing her with that single red rose
for a bone-crushing hug letting emotions flow
the time where she wished he will never let go.
for a kiss on the cheek, for a kiss on the lips
for whispering nothings and grinding of hips.
for all of the past memories that she did adore
for the weakening knees that sends her to the floor.
for the times where she screamed so loud to his face
when she told him she's leaving and he's a disgrace.
for the money spent on kleenex and ice cream
for the times she'd wish to wake up from this dream.
for the endless playing of her Paramore ringtone
"i have fallen down and i can't do this alone..."
for the love, the loss, the guilt and regret
for the time she said "i wish we had never met"
for the pounding on the door, and another red rose
he reminds her she's the only real thing that he knows
for the make up tears, the make up kiss
for all those moments when they were in such bliss.
.stop.rewind.
watch her swirl watch her swirl
life's too dramatic for that
poor
teenage
girl
...

LIVE IT UP LIKE THE
DEATH O' BEAUTEHHH

Original: She's A Let Down, But She's Worth The Pain

{C} i'm taking my shot {Am}
i'm losing my mind {G}
what do you see when you look in my eyes {C}
hopeless and weak {Am}
i'm admitting defeat (G)
what do you feeel when i'm there in your arms

{A} words never spoken
glances never passed and {G}
now i believe we are going far off track

{pause} i can be your {Em} let dooowwwnnn {G}
i can be your {Em} sweetest misery {G}
i'll take down my {Em} haloooooo {G}
and show you this {Em} darker side of me {G}
{G} so let me be your greatest, {pause} greatest let down

...its all i got so far

...what do you see?

my life is an ongoing circle
peek through blinds and see the fog,
a day to match my mind.
hug me on a cold winter morning
you could always warm my heart.
it surprises me how much i thought you didn't care.
if eyes are gateways to the soul, then i'm slipping away.
let's fall like tears down the faces of those who believed
let's be nothing.
nothings impossible.
nothings special.
nothings out of reach.
let's be nothing,
because nothing lasts forever...
i'm tired of waiting for those words
that i must tell first...

stuck on a rollercoaster and can't get off this ride

and i'm just a girl
with tired feet and an aching neck
whose been kicked to a curb
so many times before.

call me WHIPLASHGIRL
rawrr night

...

but in all seriousness
just stick with DeathOfBEAUTYY

when you're gone, will i lose control?

you're the only road i know, show me where to go

step by step
and i don't look back
no looking back. no turning back.
step by step
and i lose my place.
the surroundings look the same
to my untrained eyes
i've been down this road
i know it i know it.
i've seen it all before.
step by step
i'm slowly turning back.
not this road. not this time.
i turn around. fork in the road.
i've been down this road
i know it i know it
the surroundings look the same to my untrained eyes.
and i need the guiding hands. my northern star.
step by step
i follow the path.
my feet take me where no one would dare go before.
twists and turns
an emotional whiplash
an emotional journey
an emotional wreck
step by step
i'm an EMOTIONAL WRECK

.who will drive my soul?.
the bolded title and lyrics is Drive My Soul by Lights
andd the song speaks for me...
i think i'm losing control

who tends to pretend that he's concerned...

...says "girly girly you're at your best when you're sober"

with eyes so cold it could freeze the sun
with a heart so hollow you can hear the echoing beats
and it makes her wonder
who is real to her?
talk about trust and lies
and love through passed drinks
that can blur ones mind and vision
of what can truly be seen.
talk about truth and rely
but she was just a pawn in a game
for ones own enjoyment.
she learned to trust him
but she was a pawn
through the bet and passed drinks
she was just some prize to be won.
she woke up with a headrush
and she heard some strange news
through drinks passed by would-be friends
she had almost been used.
3 years of a friendship
though that ship has been sunk
he placed his bets on a girl
who was obviously drunk...
every friend has an end
but were you ever a friend of mine?

.and she slurs "no no just one more" then one turns into four, the fourth drink instinct has taken over and the gentleman is leading her towards the door.

the bolded title and lyrics is The Fourth Drink Instinct by Cute Is What We Aim For
...
its amazing how someone you thought was your friend
could be the exact opposite of what you thought him to be.
and what makes it worse is that one of my only drunken experiences could have all been placed on a bit of cash...
...and some wonder why i have trust issues...
.real eyes. realize. real lies.
-DEATH.Of.beauty...

oh and i love it allll!!

This song is called 6 Months by a new band i discovered called Hey Monday. They're pretty good, and this song is just the cutest song ever.

And I love how i can relate to it :)

You're the direction I follow to get home

When I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go

And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around

And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees'

Cause you have that effect on me, you do

Everything you say

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight

But I'm okayAnd I can't think of anybody else

Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now, and no goodbye

Unconditional, unoriginal

Always by my side

Meant to be together

Meant for no one but each other

You love me, I love you harder so

Everything you say

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight

But I'm okayAnd I can't think of anybody else

Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands

So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart

As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine

Oh and everything you say

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight

But I'm okayAnd I can't think of anybody else

Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands

So please, just take my hand.

I LOVE IT HAHA

xoxo

dOb

the grass is damp
its dark
its cold
that once clear sky
its grey
its old
look up once
look up twice
thinking thinking
what a damn fool...
and the oxygen is drowning me
its hard to speak, i'm feeling weak
try to stand, knees buckle
lean back into the new breeze
i see the horizon
i see a sunrise
lean back into the new breeze
closes eyes,
lay down my head
dreaming, dreaming
i want to dream of you

dream every night that one will come true...

...but only bad ones ever do

and now i fear to blink.
demons and fears,
past, present and future
haunt these eyelids, taunting and torturing.
like pins and needles when your foot is asleep.
wake up Wake Up WAKE UP.
paranoia sinks in, what does it mean
what does it mean?!
going in circles
hallways with no end
i slip and fall
crash and burn
but whos really watching?
crash and burn
i slip and fall
hallways with no end
fuck im going in circles.
here i read the old hallway dream
from the hummingbirds and bumblebees
and i still wonder...
what did it all mean?

.won't let it pass me by again.
the title and bolded lyrics are Out Through The Curtain by The Hush Sound
and i have had the dreams again
not the ones that make you feel all giddy
but ones that make you wake up in a cold sweat
darnnnnnn

DeatH OF BeautY~~

FUCK WRITERS BLOCK

You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am
Sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be you
We're making out inside crashed cars
We're sleeping through all our memories
I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive
(now I only waste it dreaming of you)
Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
Like I'll never be the same

You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am
I used to waste my time on
Waste my time on
Waste my time dreaming of being alive
(now I only waste it dreaming of you)
Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
Like I'll never be the same

I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I'm not tryingYou only hold me up like this

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
Like I'll never be the same

i guess life cant get any better then this!

when two of a kind collide.

i heard what you were saying but it all lies

used me, lose me goodbye



i'm drowning out the past with the speakers

but the ghosts draw near and near

i'm closing out your voice and al these fears

but i just can't leave it beahind



so goodbye, goodbye goodbye

take it all away

bring me back to the safe place

in your arms where i'm alvie

take it all away

bring me thoughts of the good times

where all we did

blech

It sucks that the only thing thats actually making me look forward to Florida is the major shopping spree in Hot Topic and other US stores that I like.
But it sucks that I'm going away from everyone... seems like there's going to be something going on, and I will completely miss it.
Out of the loop.
At least I'll be home for New Years, and get my New Years kiss... yay hahaha
Writers Block is eating away at my soullll
And I have no idea what to do!!
...
except yell at myself through blogpost
...
that's always fun
GAHHHHHH
Kay I'll try to post later, but it's doubtful
ciao

dOb

please come now i think i'm falling, i'm holding to all i think is safe...

...it seems i found the road to nowhere

sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
because the best things in life are unseen.
well i guess that's why we close our eyes when we dream.
that's why we close our eyes when we kiss.
that's why darkness, is not a bad thing.
to achieve the impossible dream, i try sleeping.
its my own reality, or lack thereof.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of hitting something on the way out.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i'm too afraid of missing whats right there in the open.
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i just dont want to miss a thing.
i dont want to skip a moment,
a beat,
a cue.
i dont want to stay in my dream life,
because a life of dreams is not a world at all.
it's a state of mind, its just what you make it to be.
life is a joke, you have to make fun of it to make the best of it.
life is a battle, you have to fight to make it through the day.
life is planned out for us, and it's what you make it.
a dream life would be a wonderless life,
wheres the life in that?
sometimes i wish i could close my eyes forever
but i would miss the life i left behind.
life is about making a choice,
and making the best of it.
you only live once.
make it all count.

. and i'm trying to escape.
the bolded title and lyrics are from One Last Breath by Creed
i'm actually dying of writers block
so i decided to go into the archives
and i pulled that out from September 19, 2007
ive grown to really like it... because i wrote something happy
during what i remember to be a really tough time for me
so it was like my silver lining
and to this day, i can still relate to this
so, yay =D
thats all for now, enjoy!!!

XoXo
DeaTHoFBeauTY

boysboysboysboysboys

boys are so hormonal
boys are so greedy

boys are so insane

boys are so funny
boys are so cute
boys are so fun
boys like prizes
boys read this
boys see this
one boy sees this
you know who you are
i laugh i laugh
im tired goodnight

the sea is wine red
this is the
DEATHofbeauuTYYY
...hushhhhsounds

cant read my poker face...

its funny how some people claim
"i can read you like a book"
through my eyes my emotions can't hide..
sure you can read me
but is that what i feel?
who says im actually happy?
who says im actually upset?
i can make it seem so
...
but it doesnt mean it is so.
eyes of steel
hearts of glass
bodies of straw and hay.
take me apart
and put me back together
and suddenly ill turn to gray.
im not sensitive, im just a pessimist
because it seems everything close
loves, leaves, and lies
im sleepwaking, calling your name
with arms wide open
grasping something out of my reach
and my dreams lead me into a new domain
where i live alone and empty
inside and out...
look in my eyes
my damn blue eyes
and tell me how i really feel

this house is haunted, but so pathetic...

...it makes no sense at all

it sucks when your shoulder to cry
nudges you away.
it seems i'm everyones punching bag
it seems i'm everyones pillow
to scream into when there's nothing left
but anger and hurt.
i'm everyones release.
people always talk about a white light
a silver lining
an end to all of this either near or far.
it sure is good from far
but i know its just so far from good.
what happens when your white light
starts to get smaller, and fade to black?
what happens when everything you thought was true
slowly becomes a big fat lie?
what happens when you sacrifice it all
and get nothing in return?
i am the release
scream at me again
id love to hear it.
my fingers are slipping off this cold wet keyboard
and i'm sitting here wondering
"what the fuck am i still doing here?"
it sucks when the shoulder you cry on
doesn't have a clue that they've left.

.its not right.
the bolded title and lyrics are Stay Together For The Kids by Blink 182
its weird that even a year after a divorce
i'm still feeling the aftermath
my ears are ringing
and i'm thinking to myself
this is not my home anymore...

oh what an understatement

its just so complicated

and this feels so sudden

head flows in figure eights and this

world just goes rolling

and life goes tumbling

and all emotions are telling

me to stop,

and roll with it

this is the rush through the speakers

delivered in the sound of my voice

now listen up i know

you hear them whisper in the streets

with people id never met before

and so much more

now listen up i know

nothing goes the way you want

and its just so hard

so so hard

to let you know

i like you so

but fuck

oh what an understatement
its just so complicated
and this feels so sudden
head flows in figure eights and this
world just goes a rolling
and life a goes a tumbling
and all emotions are telling
me to stop,
and roll with you again

and my breath starts pumping my heart goes jumping...

...everytime he says "gotta go now"

i said before
life isn't no wonderland
but man, is it a wonder.
why does the earth spin?
why does everything that goes up
have to come back down?
why do we trip and fall over words
that just seem to come out as blurs
from those who resist the urge to speak the fuck up.
i feel like such a damn cartoon.
zipper my mouth shut and catapult me to a whole new world.
drop a piano on my head and lets all watch the cuckoo birds
float roundroundround my head.
(i wonder how Wiley Coyote does it..)
come and jump with me
lift me high, make me soar
make me touch the sky.
feel the sand between my toes
and flowing with the tide...
i'm feeling alive
i'm feeling real
i'm feeling like my old self
no more deja vu
i can walk through those trees once more
and leave the memories of the past behind
bury it all beneath the dirt.
digging up the old roots, i'm being reborn
i'm new
i feel
i'm alive
i'm real.
my heads in the clouds.
and nothing is ever gonna bring me down.
todays broadcast has been brought to you
by anger, happiness, and utter bewilderment.


.dodododo my heart goes BANGBANGBOOM.
the moffatts sing BANGBANGBOOM
i looooove them haha
what a day
hmm this post was like
angry, then happy...
wtf is going on here =P
eh i'm tired of drama... stupidness

let.me.in.your.armss.to.feell.
Deaaathhh ooof Beaaautyyy

the boys are too refined

i hate what he did to me
made me broken
yet made me real
made me laugh, made me cry
and made me make myself
hate me even more
i hate what he did to me
because im changing with every glance
i cry during sappy movies
i laugh at something someone did
'cause you did the same weeks ago
i think about you in the middle of the day
and wonder if youre thinking of me...
i hate what he did to me.
because he's changing how i am with you
im jealous when you talk to other girls
im upset whenever you dont message me back
im lonely when youre not around
im waiting for you to say something
that i know you might not say
im curious when you say brb
but dont tell me where youre going
i wonder what youre doing
whenever im not around...
im changing
i hate it
i love it
he did it
he made me
he broke me
what do you think of it all now?
and now im wondering
why a guy like you
would want a girl like me
at all...

i'm with the cool people and can officially call my guitar "ELECTRIC"

umm fuck to the yeahhh...
it is black
it is cool
it is cheap
it is MINE
and im off downtown tomorrow for a photography trip
im loving life
and all its wonders
all its mysteries
and all its flaws (except one or two heh)
im loving it all
ive got ABSOLUTELY nothing to say
im still digesting turkey
anddd... yeah =D

Make.It.Worth.The.Wait
.DeathOF...beauty:)*

its true that you dont know what you have until its gone

being with something for so long

you just grow accustomed to it

its what one wakes up to in the morning

its what one dreams of when theyre alseep at night.

its what you

the only way to reply to this is with a nice loud RAWR!!

i wish i could scream into this thing
like it was my pillow
unfortunately my actual pillow doesnt do much good
trust me ive tried.
man just when i thought life was good
the past comes back for a second chance
damn dmandamndamndamndamdnamdnajsdnoisahfioeshbnoeitgsiehofisdnv
woo, now that thats out
i shall go now
to buy some pillows worthy of drowning out sound
nothing worth reading tonight,
buh byeee

hide the telephone, the telephone...

...the telephone in case you realize

living a life in a high frequency
turn it down, turn it down
can't hear myself scream.
funny how the past sticks to me
like a 'kick me' note,
like a thorn in my side
like a monkey on my back.
sick of rhymes and corny speeches
no more "i love yous" its just a waste of breath.
it's the prime example of the pathetic in this world.
he lives in a mind that just yells at him
"you don't know what you got until its gone"
lead me down the rabbit hole.
chat me something funny with a Cheshire cat.
let's just avoid you, you mad hatter.
of course life is no wonderland
but man is it a wonder.
living life in a high frequency
turn it down turn it down
happyhappy let me be
i don't want that urge, to yell, to scream...

.that sometimes its just not okay.
the song is Clumsy by Our Lady Peace
wow, i am COMPLETELY oblivious to the opposite
and none of the words mentioned the other day
will affect me whatsoever
hope all lives are well...
mine sure is, i wanna keep it that way :)

..can.i.pretend.you.never.said.that.?.!.
DeeaaTh ooF BeeaauuTy

if this is a test i'm losing my shit...

...if this is a test, i'm wasting my breath

he whispered words to those
who now wish they had no ears.
who'd now rather listen to the sweet melodies
of nails against the cold black chalkboard,
then the toxic phrases of "i will never leave."
...
lets call them the Lonelies
the Lonelies is the name,
of those who were conquered
by whatever "he" would say.
"he" is the name
of a tragic young man,
who was thwarted by love
and love's evil plan.
"he" never meant to torture
"he" was very kind at heart.
though charming and easy on the eyes
"he" just wasn't very smart.
"he" had no way to deal with words
scaring off anyone "he" pursued.
and when speaking with ladies
"he" came off as quite rude.
funny thing about "he"
he's no man, what a shame!
he's not at all a he
he's a hot, burning flame!
who has a fatal attraction
to certain candlestick dames!
some now hold their heads down
in grief and disdain.
because he'd melted their wax
what a shame what a shame..
i think this story is getting quite lame...
he loved the smooth wax
though he couldn't get close.
yet there was one young lady
he admired the most.
instead of a name
lets refer to her as "she"
tall and slender and perfectly sculpted
the prettiest candle on the scene.
he kept his distance,
but one tragic day
while he sat by his lonesome,
she walked up to the flame.
she went to his side,
too close yet felt fine.
she whispers to him,
"i love the way you shine."
he turned around yet turned away
he knew what he should fear.
hated by Lonelies and all that could melt
he didn't want her wax to shed a tear.
rejected by love she took another step,
towards the flaming glow.
slowly drops of wax started falling,
realizing he cried out "NO!"
she replies "i wish you to stay
and for once to be mine.
don't let me wallow,
make me bright, make me shine!"
before she could finish,
they collided as one.
then the story now ends,
they were one, they were done.
the others tried to stop them
to break them from falling apart.
but in the end nothing could get in the way of love
they had melted each others hearts.

.you're a stranger i know well, but not at all.

well that was fucked up
goodnight and comments are welcome to whatever readers i have
peace
-- DOB

money cant by happiness...

...many think the opposite

the same visions awaited me in dreams unimaginable
every night i could toss and turn
but could never find comfort in these sheets
comfort in my skin, in my mind, in my head.
take a look around
what am i supposed to see?
my mind is just so blurred
my conscience just yells at me.
keep your eyes to your toes
and leave your head in the clouds.
you don't know what you got until its gone
and you don't know smiles until its torn.
let me tug at the corners of your lips,
smile bright and shine for me.
but what goes up must come down...
and now i see them drowning.
oh it all works out so well,
until the fears of your past come back to haunt you.
i've seen it before and i'll see it again.
don't become the silhouette i see in the orange horizon...
leave me at a porch light
flickflickflicker and off they go..
to where i find comfort in these sheets
comfort in my skin, in my mind, in my head.

.if i had just one chance, i'd buy romance.

the bolded title and lyrics are Marriage to Millions by Cute Is What We Aim For
this is longer then others...
and makes absolutely no sense
bunches of thoughts and dreams
all compiled into one
hopefully when i look back on this ill actually know what i was talking about
andd now my eyes burn,
night to all
xxoo DoB

The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy

nothing brightens a day like tim burtons twisted soul.
hardy har har
i've got absolutely nothing to say today
and this is a shock for me
if i don't write in here every day, i write in my little red journal
i'm too cheap to make it look pretty but eh
but today, simply nothing.
i was sick on the 23rd so that was an exception
...
it is true
my blog has developed an echo
and its about 3 days until my birthday
fuck yeah sixteen
...
blahdidaaa
i used to see two birds perched on the branch across my window.
one black and one white
every day for about a month
silly lovebirds
they didn't make sense to me until now...
perhaps hmmm
well i'll leave myself to ponder the thought
and for the echo to wait and see what my lovebird theorys all about
as for now
au revoir mes amies...
Death.of.Beauty.....

travis barkers plane crash news with a side of a head cold

i think i'm sick
luckiy i've got myself a doctors appointment
night to myself
xxoo

don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head...

...and in the night

oh the things in my mind that i wish i could see.
i just gave myself the shivers.
and that's what i get when i think about it all...
i had always looked on the darker side of life.
through the fogginess of the mind
and into a never ending abyss.
oh the things in my mind that i wish i could see...
lets see if you can spot a thought as it passes by.
explore your wonders
and watch your favourite dreams.
oh the things in my mind that i wish i could see
always straddling the border between right and wrong,
yet now i've tipped over to the right side.
intentionally, but sure of the choice
i cleared my foggy mind
was blind but now i can see..
oh the things in my mind that i can now see
sooo veryyy clearlyyy

.we'll wish this never ends, we'll wish this never ends.
the bolded title and lyrics are I Miss You by Blink 182
my finger hurts... like RAWR
my blogs have stopped making sense...
but i guess that's the point of this one
leaves you wondering, what the hell do i see
what do i want
what do i need..
i got it all now,
yay i'm happy, happy, happy
.So.Live.Your.Life.
DEATHHHofBEAUTYYY

we're going down down in an earlier round...

...and sugar we're going down swingin'

surreptitious...surreptitious
oh you're downright surreptitious.
oh curse my clumsy heart
matters now over mind
feeling the weight of the world.
hide behind your mask
so i can only see what you want me to see.
brick, glass, and soundproof walls.
cage me in, and here i stand.
without a clue, without a sound.
can you hear me?
just once, hear me?

.i'll be your number one with a bullet.
unfortunate but true
i just used Fall Out Boy lyrics for the first time in a while as my title and bolded lyrics

bum ba da dum
i've got nothing left to say
life's good, cant complain too much
woohoo for me...
xoxo
DEATHofBEAUTY

HaNdLeBaRs!!!

smarties, skittles and m&ms
sour gummy worms candy YUM!

apparently rocks have hair,
and will soon take over the world
...and they break MP3 players (pfft)

and drunk people should not be around hot elements...
and they shoudlnt be in my house
mental note to self: when making a party
make sure to create an ending time
and when in need of calming down
go to danny =P


my dog is attacking me with kisses teeheehee
i hate philosophy
and i think i should go to sleep earlier
today i had my english teacher jab me with a ruler
neahaha this is my idea of badass...

PEACE OUT MOFOS
xoxo Death o' Beauutyy

a loser can win whenever they want to...

...all that they gotta, gotta do

i'm kinda like an armchair,
i'm easily moved, and reclined
and can sweep you off of your feet.
i meet the comforts of others before i meet my own.
why make someone do something they don't want to do?
i guess you can call it selfless...
but then again, you can call my life a roller coaster
quite the contrary to the comforts of the chair.
there are ups, there are downs,
and there are some fucked up corkscrew turns
where you don't know where you're going next.
i think i'm done with the huge falls for now,
but sometimes, you get a corkscrew here and there.
spinspinspinspin
sit tight, we're in for a bumpy ride.
tell the conductor i wanna get off.
...wheres the nearest armchair?

.is bring you down.
bolded title and lyrics compliments of LOSER by Cute Is What We Aim For

i think all of my old blogger friends abandoned me... ouchhh
haha that's what i get for making a goodbye speech.
my blogs no longer make sense to me
frackkk, hi, whats up bloggers?
i'm talking to myself... my blog is echoing from me talking to myself!!
that's how empty it is... haha
peace out.
dOb!!??

and the rain will kill us all...

...we throw ourselves against the wall

silver star silver star
shine your light on what can be seen
what can't be seen, seems to be unreal
its these i dream, a chance to feel
like i'm above what i've become
take your rays of light and some
pride and dignity to restore my own
a life with love is just unknown.
don't tear my heart out
you'll take away the only thing that i care about.
full once more, i'm out in the open
i'mnotcrazy,i'mnotmad,i'mnotalone!
silver star,silver star
shine your light on all that is me
what cant be me, feels so unreal
these be my dreams, my chance to feel.

.but no one else can see.
.the preservation of the martyr in me.
the bolded title and lyrics are Psychosocial by Slipknot.
you know how they say not to look back on the past so that it doesnt get in the way of your future?
what if the past follows you and haunts you
sticking in your mind and blocking you.
fuck it all

look at me! look at me!...

...just called to say that it's good to be

come, sit down!
let's wait by the street corner
for a bus that will never come.
and we'll just be okay.
tickle me til im blue
until i fall on the grass,
just make me smile right side up.
let's watch my favourite movie
and have giggle fits on your bed,
only you can find humour in serious parts.
let's kiss hello and goodbye
let's be the cliche romance
let's be something real.
help me... i've walked under too many ladders to think that you could be something true.
this won't last this won't last
i hope you prove me wrong...

.ALIVE in such a small world.
the bolded lyrics and title are compliments of Flobots
lol the songs called handlebars
and its funny as hell.
my boyfriend has it on his phone and it makes me laugh haha
but you know what doesn't make me laugh?
that it's been stuck in my head all weekend and this week so far...
yeah NOT FUNNY

life is waiting for you...

...so messed up but so alive

i wade into waters
and melt with the currents
it takes me to places unknown.
i tie myself to kites
and soar above clouds.
i want my world to seem small.
i now close my eyes and i see your smile.
no more ghouls and ghosts to haunt me.
i now awake to a world where i'm here
i'm up, i'm great, i'm alive.
i now hold my head high, because its good to see the sun.
no more tears and heavy heart weighing me down.
i can smile without pulling a muscle
i can live without having to lie.
i can be happy, you make me happy.

.so messed up but we'll survive.
bolded title and lyrics are Life by Our Lady Peace
that's right, i don't have to lie
about why my arm hurts, why i bruise easily...
i can now look at the past and think about
how you had no damn clue.
i'm happy happy happy
and the weight has lifted

"i'm alive at last and i'm full of joy"-Sweeney Todd

i wish you were here...

...to hear me say

im flying sky high
and showing no signs of coming down.
don't you love it when you've been proven wrong?
you get the feeling you're human,
you made a mistake.
i'm no longer waiting for the rain to fall
for the leaves to change
for the tide to rise and suck me into the current
i've just been swept off my feet.
don't you love it when you've been proven wrong?
i got the worth it guy
no more hurt, no more abuse.
my ride is leaving,
but i'm just ahead of the curb.

.this is gonna be my GREATEST DAY.
woot for Bowling for Soup

and maybe you should sleep, and maybe you just need...

...a friend as clumsy as you've been, theres no one laughing

sling your arm over my shoulder
and lets stare at the faded stars.
i found that there is more to love
then kisses and the cliches.
movies are made to lower our own self esteem.
kisses in the rain just make you cold.
and i love yous are said because he knows
its only what you want to hear.
lets lean against the postlights
and wonder why we used to love those
who made our hearts leak out through our eyes.
lets lean against the trees
and wonder why we broke our nails
trying to write promises and initials in the bark.
lets make this the anti-cliche
lets sing clumsy and our lady peace
because theres a reason our pasts dont show up in the future.
lifes waiting for you...
do do dododo do dodo dododo do do dododo do dodo.

.you will be safe in here.
the bolded stuff and title are Clumsy by Our Lady Peace
something that i thought was impossible is coming to be real
and im awestruck...

The Boy Test aka "Survival of the Fittest"

so to sum up my first segment quickly
i narrow down my specimen searches based on characteristics and the physicality... now i need to report my findings to this day and share them with the world. or, to keep in this blog forever, i dont quite know.
but now to continue my report
lets start at the beginning...
last year i decided to do my testing on the so called "young-but-promising" specimen. he was one year younger than I, but was more mature (hence the "promising" part above). Although he matched the characteristics and fit the whole, nerd/geek/dweeb category, he seemed to have an abnormally high level of testosterone, and was not mixing well with the needs of my original chemical. so after a month of testing, i decided to pull the plug and allow it back into the field.

it wasnt until november of last year that i decided to start up my research again, so i took a sample from the so called "scrawny-dweeb-with-cool-features" specimen. he was one year older then i was, and in the beginning the sample was more hesitant towards my chemicals, but with ease became rather close. in fact, within a month the sample had become a more sticky substance and would latch on to my chemical, not allowing it to breathe. the teenage language would describe this as clingy, and unfortunately also had to let my sample and all my research go to waste.

the most recent waste of my time and research went to the so called "lovable-aggressive-perverted-geeky-athlete." of course this seems bizarre, but to explain the complexity of this specimens substance would bore the readers and would take up as much time as it did to me. other than the athlete part, he qualified for my testing with flying colours in the beginning, but unfortunately did not last. when mixed with my chemical, the substance turned pink and became a full substance. by then i had thought my research was complete, and these papers and past data were thrown into a nearby trash can for 6 months. unfortunately by the end of the 5th month, the substance became hard and the pink darkened into a red, blood like colour and the two substances began to divide. Month wise, this was mid-July. i had noticed this and completely went back to work, until suddenly the vial began to crack, and the sample was forcing my chemical out through the cracks. the aggressive quality in the sample took the front and grew to the point that it was damaging my own physical state. i was sent to the emergency room because of this very reason this summer. by the end of the sixth month, i had failed to resolve the issue and, heartbroken, the sample was thrown to waste.

i sat, hopeless, and depressed, a wondering if i could ever fix the cracked vial and my chemicals state. for a month i couldn't find strength to carry on with my research, and thought to take a break. but unknowingly a new specimen was in my reach, i just needed the strength of my friends to fix up my lab. and now i am back up and running tests.

and now to bring you up to date on my studies. i have found a new specimen, the so called "too-good-to-be-true". it has been a total of six days, and the sample has begun to take effect on the vial and my chemical, and has begun to repair the damages of the last sample. it is too soon to tell if the chemicals will remain in sync with one another but the slow and easy process that has taken effect looks promising.

this report has come to an end. i will record my findings when there is more to tell. so far i can say that i am surprisingly happy with the results but it is too early for me to get my hopes up.

little happy dance....
annnnnddddd
over

.lifes.looking.up.for.
.Death.of.Beauty.

The Boy Test aka "Survival of the Fittest"

what have i been doing?
i set up myself a chemistry lab at birth
to see if i could make a match...
a new discovery, worldwide or personally
and right now i've noticed my flaws.
to be brief on the subject...
i've been taking samples from different specimens
mainly from the opposite sex
due to the fact that the same sex samples havent been to my liking.
i've noticed that all specimens of the opposite sex have different characteristics
some with good qualities, some worth testing
and there are some who i wouldnt sample with a twenty foot pole.
mainly i sample the ones with a care for others of the female species
a little more then they care for themselves...
this is what i call being selfless and caring
also, i sample those who stays true to their word and are able to make the opposite species smile with a couple of words
i call it a "joke"
this is what i call being honest, sincere and funny
next we move into the physical appearance of the specimens
there is the so called "jock/popular/egotistical moron"
whose sample will never be taken due to the fact that their physicality hardly ever matches the characteristics of my taste
there is the so called "nerd/geek squad member/trekkie/dweeb"
whose sample has been proven faulty when added to the original chemicals on two different accounts. the first specimens sample was considered to be too "clingy" and failed to give the chemical any room to expand and grow... and the other sample was more interested in the other vials to mix properly with my chemical. Although, the first sample did fit the characteristics perfectly, whereas the second lacked in the caring area.

this will be continued tomorrow night, when i return from collecting new data and samples from my new subject... the unexplainable "too-good-to-be-true" specimen
...

.all.is.fair.in.love.and.

.Death.of.Beautyy.

its been awhile since i could hold my head up high...

...and everything i cant remember

as i watch my reflection
flow and fade
i learn that not every teardrop makes the same ripple.
not every step leaves the same print.
not every heart beats to the same rhythm.
and not every man, is worth the extra breath.
why let him obscure your hearts rhythm
why let him make it skip a beat?
why let him make you watch as he leaves
why let him make you step away from love?
why let him force you to shed your own tears
why let him allow your reflection to ripple?
as i watch my reflection
flow and fade
i'll never again let it ripple and fall.

.as fucked up as it all may seem.
the bolded stuff is Staind- Its Been Awhile
from now on...
happy thoughts
welcome back
.death.of.beauty.

i just kinda wish youd realize the problem and give it some time to fix it, and if that doesnt work out then break up, but just saying that i deserve better without trying to make it better just makes it seem like you dont really care much, or youre not telling me something, iunno

i couldnt stay away, i couldnt stay happy

for the first time in a long time
i looked at my wrists and sang along to seether and gavin degraw
mix of two different worlds
whats a girl to do
to choose
to live with
i'm now looking into my shades of grey and noticing the flaws in life
i can't take your tricks
your games
your forks stuck in my road
my pleas are falling on your deaf ears
and i'm falling softly and silently
take time to realize
that you've stuck too many pins into the porcelain doll
the once everlasting rose of our relationship
has now become the thorn in my side
and i'm falling softly and silently
take time to realize
that youve cracked open my heart
and poured its contents into a blender
lets watch it spin into oblivion
and i'm falling softly and gently
too bad the gorilla was too busy crushing the flower
to hear the pins and tears drop
.fall.slowly.gently.

i'm back
i'm insane
call the doctor
and lace my next drink with cyanide and morphine

hyperventilations an easy way to say goodbye

fuck everything
its the end of the school year
and everythings just falling apart..
i sit here right now,
writing this
because its going to be my last post on this blog.
maybe ill create a new one, iunno.
i'm sick of wet keyboards and tissues overflowing my trashcan
i'm just sick of it all.
what irks me the most is that i help people when they have a problem...
why doesnt anybody care about me? about my fuckin feelings right now!
no its okay, i'm f.i.n.e.
my family is falling apart.
my moms always out, my sisters only 6, my brother couldnt give a shit, and i'm here running around with a broken toe trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle.
the person i though would care most thinks everythings a joke, and doesn't know when i'm angry or upset or not, or maybe just doesnt care at all.
exams are coming up and i have just lost sight of whos my friend and whos not.
thanks to all who's read this since last july.
sayonara from .Death.Of.Beauty.

i know that i can find the fire in your eyes...

...i'm going all the way, get away please

maybe i'm going out of my mind,
but i can't help but doubt it all.
pessimism sinking in,
fucking up my morals,
what i believed right is now wrong,
and what is truly wrong stays.
'what if' 'what if' 'what if'
should i believe that someone cares,
even if they don't show it?
i'm knee deep in quicksand,
you're sucking me in
unwillingly, tempting me.
i want to just dive in,
but i don't want to fall into something
with no chance to resurface

.you take the breath right out of me.
Breath by Breaking Benjamin is the bolded shit

i'm so messed up with how i should feel
one minute i know, but then i feel the need
to take it back.
i don't want to confront the problem
because i don't want to ruin what can still be fixed..

i can feel you all around me...

...thickening the air i'm breathing

the things i do for him
so he will never let go.
i cant keep grip on vaseline hands
as they reach out towards me just to mock.
everything i learn to trust turns into a lie.
i have the feeling to let it show.
eating at my soul from the inside out.
try to speak, but it falls on deaf ears.
sending gestures to the blind.
i'm lost in time and space.
set me free
set me free
let me out of this misery
and show me a world
as bright as the sea.
sad and cliche, pathetic yet true.
i'm completely worthless without you.

.savouring this heart that's healing.
All Around Me- Flyleaf
my blog needs a makeover. fack. exams soon.not posting much anymore.better to write it down. more people know it now. have to restrict what i say. fuck it all. going to bed. goodnight all who care.

close your eyes and make believe, this is where you want to be...

...forgetting all the memories

i'm buried deep inside my head
thoughts cage and swallow me whole.
i keep a note of thoughts and dreams,
so my mind can stay free
so i can be real.
i can hardly blink,
i can hardly sleep.
i've grown accustomed to hollowed eyes
and shadowy features.
i see it everywhere.
i see you everywhere.
eyes closed, eyes opened.
i'm never safe.
haunting..
wanting..
needing..
i look down on rippling puddles
when there is no rain to fall.
where do you look for a piece of mind
when you think you've lost it all?

.try to forget love cause love's forgotten me.
Decoy by Paramore

i'm hating the nightmares because i forget them when i awake
i'm hating nightmares because i'm a wreck at school
i'm hating nightmares because i grow so restless and
now i'm going out of my mind
rawwrrr....
i can't think straight. i need books.
i need to fucking sleep!!

even though day after day...

...i look for a reason to stay

every day i reach a new low,
so i dont bother to ask when it'll end.
i wipe my eyes before i sleep,
and never wonder why my tears turn red.
i find comfort in quiet spaces.
and scream through soundproof windows.
my chin is only comfortable on my knees.
why is my room always so damn cold?
sleep with one eye open
but walk with both eyes down.
out of my mind
don't know when i'll be back.
just because i don't talk,
doesn't mean i can't hear.

.if only you could tell why i feel this way.
title and bolded is Hung Up by Suzie McNeil.
i've been sick in the head for about a week now.
it's driving me crazy
can't wait for sleep to come
it's been too long...

and if you ran away...

...i'd still wave goodbye

this heart
it beats
beats for only you.
it's a good feeling when you know there's always something to look forward to at the end of the week.
the silver lining.
the light at the end of the tunnel.
i'm hearing noises, voices, sounds.
but all i see is what's right in front of me.
and it's not a sight to see.
gauge out my eyes
and stuff my ears with cotton.
i don't want to see or hear anything
that i don't feel i should face.
drama, school, being fake.
the devil on my shoulder told me to
take a risk.
i'll jump first off the diving board.
the weekends are only 5 days apart
but it feels like 5 years.

.watching you shine bright.
compliments of Brighter by Paramore
you know your mom thinks you're a whore when she asks if you're pregnant... but then have to lie about how far you've gone with a guy
oh wow i laughed a lot today.
try saying goof out loud...
goof is my word of the week! WOOT
...thanks a lot buddy.

in a perfect world, i see no therapist...

...in a perfect world, this wouldn't make me sick

don't blame me
pulling my hair out is now just a regular activity.
saves me from a breakdown.
that and guitar of course.
i hate it all.
i hate that i have to practice smiling in the mirror,
it never comes out right in the halls.
i hate that i have nothing to make me stand out,
appearance isnt everything anymore.
i hate that i end up pushing friends away,
after a while, their faces just double
i hate that i have trust issues,
because now i can't trust even those closest to me.
i hate that everything thats good to me ends up leaving,
because then i have to start all over again.
i hate that i can't believe promises and love,
because i see it crash and fall around me.
back to being f.i.n.e.

.she pulls the trigger until the gun goes click.
lyrics by Billy Talent... called Perfect World
well i know the world is definitely not perfect.
whats the difference between feeling lonely and being alone
at least when you're lonely you have someone to turn to.

some people think their always right, others are quiet and uptight...

...others they seem so very nice, nice, nice, nice

unconsciousness blooming,
it's the dreams they see,
you wish to last millenniums,
but not for me.
i have monsters behind these eyelids,
awaiting me when the moon is tall.
and the night darkens as i hear,
sleep and bare it all...
sleep is so tempting...
but i'm no daredevil.
i'll stick my pinkie toe to test the waters,
sucked in by the tide.
i'm drowning in life,
but i can drink it all in.
let's strike a final pose,
on ice ponds too thin.
reaching surface,
wish i could've stayed,
for a life like this,
has been greatly delayed.

.inside they might feel sad and wrong, oh no.
Bolded and title is the amazing You Only Live Once by The Strokes
WOOTWOOT.
major headache...
uh don't don't don't GET UP!!
SHOOT ME DOWNNN
SHUT ME UPPP
I'LL CALlllm doownnn
WOOOAHHAHA

freakin' Love Fool

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do

Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought just stick to another guy
A guy that surely deserves me
But I think you do

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered
Spent my nights awake an I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay

Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray, and I beg

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Leave me, leave me
Just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you (anything but you)

Love me, love me
Fool, fool me
Love me, love me
I can't care about anything but you

songs been stuck in my head all day and it's pissing me off just like everything else
rawwrrr

above the waters, barely aware..

i'm treading through shark waters just to see...

test the waters
i'm falling too deep
is this what love feels like
'cause i'm drowning
half the things i say i don't mean
half the things i mean i don't say.
it's just the way life goes round.
i couldn't say love
i didn't know how.
commitment fills holes in hearts,
but crazy glue doesn't always hold.
the cure for love is letting go
but it all just hurts the same.
his deep blues see dreams and wonders
but what am i to them?
i'd ask myself
cant he do better?
i'd ask to him
cant you do better?
can they see right through the flaws?
test the waters
i'm falling too deep
is this what love feels like
'cause i'm drowning

.if maybe i could care, care.
the title and bolded is a part of my new song.. .wootwoot
it looks weird but yeah it works with the music very nicely.
and i might add in the underlined stuff from the actual post as verse two
but i'm still debating.
i guess nothings secret when your boyfriend finds your blog...
what a shmuck.

whether i live or die,
whether i try to divide
the loneliness
from the pain i left behind
how emo

*...let me go this time...*

sorry i'm fading out today,
i just havent had the time,
to separate my thoughts and know
my reason from my rhyme.
i hear the outgoing calls,
they try to reach my ears,
they hiss and screech and call my name
a thousand nights of fears.
leave me alone,
i cant stand my pain.
worry no more,
just let me fall to shame.
your hands are cold
my heart is old.
withering eyes and
just let me go this time.

hold your head high with your tail between your legs...

...just hope no one looks down.
i know i won't
i fear looking down,
you might miss a moment
flash before your eyes.
i'm a loser
a failure
and everything in -between-
...it's hard growing up in a place
where you don't know who you are
where you belong
and how to fit in.
los angeles on wednesday, don't expect posts until tuesday night
when will he find out
that he could do
so much damn better

there's a fire
in your eyes
and i *hope* you
let it BURN!

because i've been waiting for you to try...

...set your sights high, elevate yourself to the sky

defibrillator hearts

bring me back to life.

because i don't think the life i live

is real.

give me another one of your
"only in movies" kisses.
and stargaze in empty parks.
feeling sand between the toes,
hear the swings creaking softly.
it's nights like these
where you wonder if the world is real.
if there's such a thing as
happiness, and compassion.
hold me tight and never let go
and say it'll be okay.
the first to make me smile
with just a light kiss on the hand.
the first to make me laugh
with just small corny gestures.
the first to make me believe
with just a romantic date.
the first to make me doubt love
by just being so damn real.
with just a quick "i love you".
with just a small smile, laugh, gesture, and kiss.
it's these small things that made me stop
and listen to the crickets,
while he stood wondering what he did wrong.

.just rise and shine.

Shine by Brian Melo... amazing lyrics, amazing song
wow...
i usually don't throw the L Word around... but people do crazy things sometimes

you could love me if you knew how to lie...

...but who could love me?

i'm tired of living inside my prison.
kisses on cheeks could leave bruises,
but its the memory that leaves a scar.
tears that i could shed over him,
leave cheeks stained red.
walk me to my front door.
kiss me under the porch light
and let me melt into him.
oh its what he does to me,
and i cant get enough.
but i still think i'm the pawn
that has yet to make its move.
the test to be experimented and documented,
and i'm about to fail.
old habits die hard,
and your ways are trying to bite back.
i'm looking for the "worth it" boy.
this is the calm before the storm,
and when i step out into the rain,
the lightening shocks are just so frequent these days.
if he is the "worth it" boy
then why don't i feel..."worth it"?

.i am out of my mind.
the title and bolded lyrics are those of She Had The World by Panic at the Disco
not the best album but i'm going to see them in concert
woot.
i used to think that maybe he wasn't right for me.
but what if i'm not the right girl for him?

and i cant sleep tonight...

...because all the lights are scaring me.

why is it that everything that is bad for you
just makes you feel so good?
why is it that the one you loved to hate
becomes the one you hate to love?
(love being an overexaggeration of course.)
~walk me home in the dead of night,
whisper it in my ear.
hold me like you'll never go,
because that is all i fear.
show me angel smiles,
it's all you are to me.
kiss me like it's the last time,
let my butterflies roam free.
it's hard to say what i see in him,
when all he points out are flaws.
it's hard whenever he does something right,
i'm reminded of his wrongs.
it's hard to say that you love someone,
when you don't know how it will feel.
it's hard when you look in his eyes,
and wonder if it's really real.
it's hard that i can't fall asleep at night,
because i just can't read his mind.
it's hard when you want to know how he feels,
still you're scared of what you might find.~

.they're scaring me tonight.
- bolded and title are courtesy of Cocaine by AKissForJersey

look in my eyes...

...you're killing me, killing me

i had a test that decided my future today
academics are worth shit if the future is always as cloudy as the minds of those
stuck in yesterday.
stuck in the past,
the boggling mind is just making me dizzy.
stuck in the past,
i'm worried about the future.
stuck in the past,
i've lost sight of the present.
i'm crossing bridges that have started to burn.
i have set the fire.
i'm looking out across the fog,
where's a thought when you need one?
distant distant distant.
who needs friends and family
when you have papers and pens?
stuck in the past,
the future is the present.
walking the wooden plank on this sinking ship.
i have set the fire.

.all i wanted was you.
the bolded title and lyrics are from The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars.
i cried today, surprisingly....
i think it's the first real one since the divorce.
i'm distancing myself from people,
i'm not sleeping enough
i'm most definitely not myself.
no wonder i'm not being invited to hang outs.

.Let.It.All.Out.
Death.Of.Beauty

catch me as i fall...

...say you're here and it's all over now


my life is an ongoing circle
peek through blinds and see the fog,
a day to match my mind.
hug me on a cold winter morning
you could always warm my heart.
it surprises me how much i thought you didn't care.
if eyes are gateways to the soul,
then i'm slipping away.
let's fall like tears down the faces of those who believed
let's fall like the leaves of the tree where you said "i'll love you forever"
let's be nothing.
nothings impossible.
nothings special.
nothings out of reach.
let's be nothing,
because nothing lasts forever...

.no one's here and i'm blinded by tears.
the title and bolded lyrics is Whisper by Evanescence

Hi! I'm back haha and with and different attitude.... i think.
it all depends on what's going on in my day.
i'll try to post as often as possible... but it's not likely
i don't even know if i still have readers... but ohh well

.Why.Give.Up?.
Death.Of.Beauty~

i dont want to be...

...the one, the one, the one that you forget

bloodshot eyes and crows feet
bleeding backs and dagger glares.
worry lines are reminders that nothings easy.
darkened skies remind her to just keep it easy.
i pity the lovers and friends,
nothing lasts a lifetime.
break my mind
break my heart
watch thoughts and emotions explode.
watch me trip and fall
like the clumsy hearts..
it's all they seem to do nowadays.
repetitive thoughts
easy.easy.easy.easy.easy.easy.not easy.
bloodshot eyes and crows feet.

.i don't, i don't, i don't just want to be your regret.

there's a carpet stain that just won't come out...

SCREAM TO BE HEARD
YEAH FUCK I'M SCREAMING
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL?
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WORTH
OUR ATTENTION?
WHAT A WASTE IT'S BECOME
TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT!
TO BE LIVING A LIE.
LIVING LIES IS NOT CONSIDERED LIVING!
IF YOU NEVER TRY TO BE REAL
THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?
NOBODY IS MADE THE SAME WAY,
SO WHY BOTHER TRYING TO BE LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE!
ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOURSELF
ARE YOU HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY?!
IF SCREAMING IS THE ONLY THING GIVING YOU
THE ATTENTION YOU NEED
THEN YOU SCREAM UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LUNGS EXPLODE
BUT I'M NOT CLEANING UP THE MESS
YOU LEFT BEHIND!
TAKE THE MOP
AND WIPE YOURSELF DRY
YOU'RE STAINING MY CARPET!
DON'T TURN AWAY, WHAT'S THAT GOING TO PROVE?
ARE YOU A LIAR, A CHEATER, A SNEAK!?
LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME
WHAT THE FUCK MADE YOU FAKE!
FAKE FAKE FAKE
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!

By: .Death.Of.Beauty.


Starring a BOY/GIRL and the MIRROR

oh i like the way you make me feel

the way i feel about you

oh the way you make me smile

oh i like the way you make me touch

the way i love to touch you

oh the way you work that smile



{i want you to run a,way}

{forget about the times we shared}

{everysingle moment that i'm there with you,}

{everything i said i wouldnt do}

with every step you should take

makes my very empty heart break

every second without you i would ache

but its the best i can do

to keep me from hurting you

just a little less obvious i confess...

...you've got me fucked and so

i'm tired of being selfless.
i'm tired of being "immune"
life is a hurricane.
but i've been living in the eye for too long.
like they always say,
it's all calm before the storm.
well this time i've been walking too slow.
you know when you're in the middle of a huge fight
but you're just watching.
bystander effect in reverse,
but there's nothing that can be undone.
let's stop and get caught in the storm.
it's always calm before the storm.
it's always calm before the storm.
i'm tired of being normal.
i'm tired of feeling that its too good to be true.
tumbleweed and rustling leaves,
follow the current lead into the unknown.


.you talk like you're famous, you're shameless.

joke me something awful just like kisses...

...on the necks of "just friends "

i shudder at your icy stares,
it tends to match your heart.
words tend to flow out of my mouth
with no sense of direction.
they just hit whoever takes it seriously.
now i know what they mean when they say
"so wrong it's right".
start at the heart and walk away,
we'll always meet in the end.
i keep my hands in my pockets
because everything i come close to tends to leave.
or i just push them away.
i've been hearing echoes of the same words
that make me feel as though i'm in a sound proof room.
hush your words of the so-called "comfort"
i'm not listening anymore.
i promise you my heart
but all promises can be broken.
i shudder at your icy stares,
it tends to match your heart.

.we're the kids who feel like dead ends.

European Bands

are forever...

look for the girl with the broken smile...

...and ask her if she wants to stay awhile

our world is polluted in such shit
gas masks are the new black.
i'll see you when i sleep
as long as you sing me your dreams.
i'm just dropping hearts left and right
like the recited and overheard movie lines
passed between eyes and shared drinks.
glaring daggers that shred my own to pieces,
was blind and can now never see.
overusage of the term "chemical"
it just depends on how you mix it.
you know you're done for
when inspiration arises from
the subway seats and filthy streets.
oh the blind man has it so easy.
at least he doesnt get to see what our world has become.

.and she will be loved.

the bolded title and lyrics is She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5.
..there's a britney spears in every school.
doesn't the world today make you so sick.
we resort to other peoples suffering for our own enjoyment
we steal, lie and cheat.
we pretend.
we judge.
we add our own sound effects and overexagerrations to life, that it's all become a stupid lie.

thrown in all directions...

...epitome of perfection

swallow your pride
along with your guilt
on which you ride on like a brand new car.
fake a smile and wave my worries away..
ohh if looks could kill....
i havent slept well in so long
my ceiling has lost all interest in me.
i realize its not polite to stare for hours on end.
i'm writing this at 2 am, spare me the shittyness.
my only weekend sleep lasts me from 5am to 7 am
then 11pm to 1pm.
i hate when people go to doctors for their problems
when they already know the answer.
sleeping disorder? yes i'm fucking stressed.
lab coats just lighten my mood...
i wish we were all silhouettes,
just shadows.
because shadows have no flaws.
only quality hearts are made of plastic,
but even the crazy glue can lie to you.

.time is standing still.

lamelamelamelame
sorrry
confuzzling love life.
why does the guy i need to break up with,
have to be the most sensitive guy in the school?

'::.selfishness.::'

i'm so sick, infected with, where i live

they say it's love,
but they also say that i should see a doctor.
blind me with fake white toothed smiles.
you're only fooling yourself.
look to me
sing serenades
what movie did you rip off today?
practicing breakup lines in the mirror
let's just end it with a bang.
roses arent always red,
but violets are always blue.
lets pick stars,
and turn night into day.
and let promises crumble
like leaves in deep fall.
hakuna matata
you'll ;;FADE;; with .me.

.let me live without this empty bliss.

once i ran to you...

now i run from you...

runrunrunrunrun
funny how your only escape from reality,
becomes your biggest fear.
i'm the best mistake you could ever make.
i'm little mis-understood.
spinspinspinspin
fuck it just let me soar.
once again caged inside my own mind.
you're taking over.
i look across the once clear opening,
maybe if you look past the clouds
you can find my thoughts.
dishevelled like vines.
i'm just a blur in your 20/20 vision.
in my mind, everyone's a match.
a ticking time bomb.
and i just started a forest fire.
scream and cry and bang on the bars.
the key was the only thing left broken
letmeoutletmeoutletmeout.
i just want this to end
save me from this nightmare
that some call life...

take my tears and that's not nearly all tainted love.

swear to break it up if you dont care to listen

oh we're not so young, but just grasping for attention.

i want to be more than ink stains.
a misleading locker letter.
a spot on your favourite sweater.
a shadow to the rest of the world.
the old tree is my new home.
let's watch the leaves change and fall.
let's dream of failure every night.
thoughts tangling and swarming within.
just these thoughts of failure sinking in.
holding on to the edge of reason,
i seem to be losing grasp.

.all i can see are lies.
.fool me once fool me twice.
- the bolded is my version of Panic!At The Discos, The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage (the chorus in particular)
because i'm a fool like that.
sorry its so short but yeah..

hopefully somebody can make sense of what i'm feeling at the moment.
fuckkk

.Peace.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

he saw a lonely girl...

...she saw a lonely world

i lie awake in bed
hating how ive sinned.
the things i said
the things i did
things that i regret.
the indentation on the wall is now selfexplanatory.
the beige and black pillows are are essential.
and a broken girl is the final touch
to a messed up life.
i'm just a tunnel walker.
fuck why is the ending light getting smaller.
i'd walk an eternity just to see light.
i'd live forever to convince you to smile for me.
...i'd be living until this world caves in.
but i'd sin again to tunnelwalk.
because... what's life without darkness.
...
people say life is a rollercoasters.
fuck coasters its like the DropZone.
you slowly make your way to the top,
have your ten seconds of fame...
and then just get thrown back down.
wait in line and try again.

.courage came only from symphonies.

with the FURRRR

shawty got dem apple bottom jeansss
boots with the furrrr
...blah blah
low low low low low low low low

music today has gotten so lame that we have to resort to just rhyming really fast with a beat and upload it to a disc... i'd like to see 50 Cent and Flo Rida sing the Beatles or a love ballad.
and now it's reached an all time low... theyre singing about the clothing they see girls wearing... what the fuck are apple bottom jeans. and all the songs sound somewhat similar... haha i can do the soulja boy dance to the song Kiss Kiss and it works perfectly... but that's another story..
where the hell did all the good music go? rock, classic rock, anything.. grrr

kay i have nothing... i'll post some stuff tomorrow
but now... i am about to pass out... so goodnight to all

.Death.Of.Beauty.

nah nah.... i miss youu

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you...

i'm terrified of the dark,
but sometimes crawling into caves
seems like the idea of the day.
sticks and stones may break my bones,
but i was hit with a big 'FAIL'.
it's raining losers,
catch me before i hit the ground.
i can be your special snowflake,
when hell freezes over,
and rain becomes snow.
how does it feel when tears freeze?
like the crusty eyes of a dreamer,
dying to believe.
life really is like water,
its full of ups and downs,
and once you hit the ground,
you gotta go through it all over again..

.I Wrote You A Love Letter... But I Lost It.
Send It By Planes And Trains... I'll See You In Hell
...once you hit the bottom, its all over.
all cycles come to an end.
like this blog...eventually
for now...

.Live.Laugh.Love...Lose.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

the hummingbirds and the bumblebees

umm... read this and see what you make of it...

the clock runs in reverse.
i looked in the mirror with a smile on my face.
i saw the clock run in reverse again.
i walked the halls with no fear,
and ran into his arms as if i knew
everything's going to be okay he said.
i said "i believe...
i'll make it through the brand new year.
i'll get through as long as i'm with you."
the rain fell freely from the sky,
like tears of joy and happiness.
i walk through the halls without fear,
and run to you, but i was out of reach.
an endless tunnel and a blackout.
i find myself home.
i looked into the mirror,
and all i see are black, empty eyes.

...and then i woke up.

what kind of fucked up dream is this??

...it hurts when i think i know that you'll be my biggest mistake...

i love everything that reminds me of home.
the music, the misery, the rhymes and neglect.
i'd do anything...
i'd tear out my heart if you want me to bleed,
i'd rip off my flesh if you want me to scream.
i'd laugh everytime you'd want me to smile
i'd be with you if you want me to stay a while.
staple my mouth to shut me up
just tear out the heart if you wanted it but,
after all of these things that i do for you.
why dont i feel true
to be in love
with you?

i'm falling harder and faster in love with him...
but why does it feel like
he'll be the first boy to leave it broken...?

.Torn.Yet.Tired.
.Death.Of.Beauty.

theres nothing that sleep can't fix...
i'm going to give this blog a makeover!